Thursday, May 17, 2007
Pearl the landlord
Click here to play the video
Update: Link to video since the actual video played automatically every time Bits & Pieces was loaded.
Lifestyle change
When Thompson hit 70, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam and he took sunbaths.
In just three months' time, Thompson lost 30 pounds and reduced his waist by six inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it off with a new haircut. Stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?" [ba-ba boom]
And a voice from the heavens responded: "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."
What happens to people when they get old....
… according to preschoolers:
- You get gray hair if you don't stay for a long time. If you eat too much medicine, you will die.
- They have wrinkles. Sometimes they have gray hair but not always.
- My grandfather has white hair and scribble scrabble on his hands.
- You go in a wheelchair. Your body is a little twisty.
- You get older, your shrink and your body is scribbly.
- You don't die but your body dies.
- You go to Heaven. All the kitties are up in heaven.
- They get smushy skin.
- When they are old, I saw they couldn't walk. They color their hair purple and all different colors.
- Sometimes your hair gets white.
- Their skin has bumps and they have a beard. A lady has brown hair/ They have a old man voice and old lady voice.
- First they start smooth and when they are going to die they get pruney. They are old.
- First they grow up as a young kid. They eat healthy and they get taller. And soon they get much taller and they go to heaven. If they can't walk, they get a wheelchair.
- They have gray hair and wrinkles and they die.
- They have scrabble scrabble just on her face. And she's got shiny teeth.
- When you get very old, first the dots are purple then they get bigger and black.
- Heaven is a place where all animals go. People's heaven is under ground.
People lived here...
It’s probably a stretch to call them “people”. Some guy in England rented out his house to some “people”. This is what he found when they moved out.
More pics if you dare.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Butter cutter
Make your life a bit easier with the One Click Butter Cutter. It's bigger than a knife, thus it's easier to hold, and it slices butter in just one click, which makes it an indispensable tool for cooking.
It even loads a complete stick of butter or margarine, takes up only a small space in your fridge, and is easily cleaned in dishwasher or warm water!
YAHOO! baseball 404 error?
For those who don’t know, according to Wikipedia:
The 404 or Not Found error message is an HTTP standard response code indicating that the client was able to communicate with the server, but either the server could not find what was requested, or it was configured not to fulfill the request and not reveal the reason why. 404 errors should not be confused with "server not found" or similar errors, in which a connection to the destination server cannot be made at all.
Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette...
WARNING: THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT CONTRABAND CIGARETTES CONTAIN INSECT EGGS AND HUMAN FECES.
New X-ray for airport security
AMSTERDAM (AFP) - Amsterdam's Schiphol airport Tuesday introduced a new security scan that sees through clothes, the first airport in the world to use the system, officials said.
The scan outlines body contours, making it easy for security personnel to see if anyone is carrying weapons or smuggling money or drugs.
Airport authorities said the scan was quicker and better than body searches.
To ensure privacy, the images from the scan are analysed by a security attendant in a separate room. The face of the person is also blurred to avoid recognition.
Find A Place Between Us
Going to meet a friend and want to find a place between you to meet? Just type in your location and theirs and the kind of place you’re looking for (restaurant, theater, bar, etc), and a.place.between.us will suggest meeting places somewhere near the middle.
It doesn’t say it’s a good place, but it is a place to meet.
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Thanks Rich
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Riding the train to the Super Bowl
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.
ZAGATS Fast Food Survey
According to the Zagat Survey the best fast food results:
- Burger: Wendy’s
- Fries: McDonalds
- Shake: Dairy Queen
- Chicken: Chik-fil-A
Hospital bloopers
Actual writings on hospital charts:
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The corporate jet
Now that we’re making big bucks with ads on Bits & Pieces, we sprung for our own jet.
The broken mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Thanks Joe P
New drugs
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Thanks Joe P
Monday, May 14, 2007
Listen to what I mean, not what I say!
Many years ago, my wife Jennifer was explaining something to me and she accidentally used the wrong word to describe a concept. I knew what she was trying to say, yet I couldn’t resist suggesting the word that she should have used. Somewhat embarrassed and with a sheepish look, she said: “Listen to what I mean, not what I say.”
That made me laugh and smile. What an interesting thing to say. I’ll never forget that.
But then, recently, I realized that her amusing request is actually a very powerful statement of the quality of human interaction, and is the very thing we should be demanding of the Internet.
Read the rest of the article by Zeb Hodge.
I know the young man who wrote this piece about his vision of the internet of the future. We worked together at Human Dynamics, a performance support service company in Overland Park Kansas a few years ago. Zeb Hodge is a talented graphics artist and has created many wonderful projects. Here is his website.
What's your password?
Here are the 10 most common passwords. If you use on of these, you’d better change it.
- password
- 123456
- qwerty
- abc123
- letmein
- monkey
- myspace 1
- password 1
- blink182
- (your first name)
Top 10 Things Heard at the Office That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
- 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
- 8. Just stick it in my box.
- 7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
- 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
- 5. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid!
- 4 My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
- 3. It’s an entry level position.
- 2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
- 1. It’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!
An Irishman is sitting at a pub......
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, “Watch this…”
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a fag got.” The Irishman just replies “Oh, is that so now?”
The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was a
transvestite fag got.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?”
So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.
When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!”
And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were saying.
The answer is not "C"
Dear Michael,
Every year I attempt to boost my students' final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True/False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.
There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It's as if you didn't look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!
May God have mercy on your soul.
Sincerely,
Professor William Turner
P.S. If all else fails, go with B from now on.
B is the new C
Happy Birthday George
George Carlin turned 70 Saturday. Here are a few quotes from
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes:
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. The future will soon be a thing of the past. “No comment” is a comment. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Happy Mother's Day
I posted this video last Mother’s Day. It’s now an annual favorite.
I lost my mom 12 years and two days ago (May 11). We had her wake on Mother’s Day that year. I joked to a few people that they probably got their mom a plant for Mother’s Day, while I actually planted my mom. Miss you Mom!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there.
Kids have all the answers
Elementary school age children answered the following questions about Mom:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
It’s for you!Cheapest dress ever made?
From the Official Ramen Noodle Homepage:
Karina from Virginia sent me some pictures of her art project. The project was called “Wearable Art”, and Karina made a dress out of ramen packets. It took 196 packets of ramen, and some chop-sticks to construct! No word on what grade Karina received, but it looks like “A” work to me.
I figure that a 10 cents per packet, and some free chopsticks with take-out chinese, you could make this dress for about $20. That’s not counting the “worth” you get from eating all the ramen.
Toad salad?
Another frog (toad) was found in a bag of salad. A UK woman found the rare natterjack toad hopping around in the bag as she was putting it into her refrigerator after a shopping trip.
The last time I posted something like this I got a zillion hits on the post. This time it’s everywhere on the internet.
8 foot gator goes car shopping
A worker at a Cocoa Florida car dealership got quite a surprise, Thursday, an angry alligator underneath one of the new cars.
There's a saying: Anywhere there's water in Florida, you are likely to find an alligator. The problem is, when the water starts drying up, the alligators start moving.
Most people go to a dealership to look at the cars. Thursday, it was the alligator under the car drawing the crowd.
The 7-foot-11 reptile was found hiding under a Mitsubishi up for sale, drawing a crowd and a gator trapper with a warning.
"He could jet out from underneath there quicker than any snake and grab an ankle and do a lifetime of damage," said trapper Bill Robb.
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