ABC News is reporting that those who drink alcohol every day may delay progression of dementia.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Cheers!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The husband
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Red-headed baby
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Be glad you're not a monk
Or, Why The Photocopier Is A Great Invention
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,
"What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEB R ATE !!!
The lonely brain cell
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here.........
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Baseball salary vs performance
What baseball teams are spending their money well, and how does it change over the course of the season? I see my Cardinals owners (and fans) aren’t getting their money’s worth. Nor or the Yankees.
This sketch looks at all 30 Major League Baseball Teams and ranks them on the left according to their day-to-day standings. The lines connect each team to their 2007 salary, listed on the right.
Drag the date at the top to move through the season. The first ten days of the season are ommitted because the rankings to (at least) that point are statistically silly. You can also use the arrow keys on the keyboard to move forward or backward one day.
A steep blue line means that the team is doing well for its money, which reflects well on the team's General Manager. A steep red line implies that the team is throwing away money. The thickness of the line is proportional to the team's salary relative to the others.
Sweet revenge
An oldie but a goodie….
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving companies pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife; they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
It's all relative
Last week a friend of mine went to a seminar called Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.
He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you.
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that “every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, ‘I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.’
Paris Hilton prison doll for sale
eBay has it:
Comes with jail accessories like - jail window, handcuffs, LA County number sign, mugshot wall, and ball & chain
Also comes with a matching purse, and tinkerbell chihuahua
She is fitted in a bright orange jumpsuit if the finest quality paint material from paintsace, black boots, matching panties, make-up, and orange streaks in her hair also smells like prison time, a fresh spray of prisonbreze.
Back of jumpsuit reads "LAC" and she also has a nametag on with her number on front.
Incredible Circle of Life video
A battle between a pride of lions, a herd of buffalo, and 2 crocodiles at a watering hole in South Africa’s Kruger National Park.
Swimming with the Jellyfish
Jellyfish Lake is a well-known dive site in the Pacific island of Palau. It is completely isolated, but in the distant past it had an outlet to the ocean. The outlet was closed off and the high jellyfish population started to feed on quickly-reproducing algae.
Over millions of years, it became an advantage for the jellyfish to lose their stinging cells, or nematocysts. Today, the very high jellyfish population are stingless, and tourists can enjoy swimming with them much closer than would be possible anywhere else.
Monday, May 21, 2007
RV'ing
A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Ed kept getting mad at Betty for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Betty was equally bothered by Ed's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.
The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Betty said to herself, holding back tears. Ed, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.
As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs, Betty, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"
Ed, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"
Al Gore's office
It looks more cluttered than mine. But he’s got a nice monitor set-up. I have only two 19 inch monitors.
Disney World's hidden underground
Why you never see anyone making deliveries or picking up trash at Disney World. …. Tunnels!
Anyone who lives in Orlando knows that if you dig deeper than 6 feet, you'll hit water. So how can there be tunnels UNDER the magic Kingdom? Well, because the park is built on the 2nd floor (technically speaking). the tunnels are at ground level, and the park is built on top of them. They serve many purposes, the main one being the ability to get from wardrobe to your spot, "on stage," without crossing lands. It also gives cast members a much easier way to get to their destination without having to fight crowds.
Disney has an amazing trash system called the AVAC system. The trash is sucked through tunnels to a centralized collection area. Walking through the tunnels, you know when trash is flying by you - it's very loud. There are service vehicles driving around all over the place. There is plenty of room for you to walk, and a full-size truck to pass by. They deliver merchandise to each area via the tunnels so you never have to see a delivery truck "on-stage." There are also offices, storage, kitchens, break rooms, two employee cafeterias, including the Fantasyland Dining Room, Kingdom Kutters (a hair salon), a Fire Prevention Center, Studio "D" and many of the support departments for the Magic Kingdom.
Children comment on the sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Jimmy Hoffa cupcakes
The Milford Baking Company in Milford Township, Michigan, is having a hard time keeping up with the demand for their new dessert, the Hoffa cupcakes. The cupcakes have a plastic green hand emerging from the chocolate-flavored sprinkles and frosting meant to resemble dirt.
The company started making the cupcakes are in response to dozens of FBI agents, police and others that invaded this small community 30 miles northwest of Detroit to search for the remains of former Teamsters chief Jimmy Hoffa.
Camel fitted with pair of desert boots
I’ve heard of camel toe, but camel boot is a new one for me.
It's enough to give any camel the hump - hooves too sore to walk on after a close encounter with a fire.
But, luckily for Goliath, a specialist shoe maker stepped in and custom made him four sturdy boots. The camel would be more at home in the desert but was on a trek through Europe to raise funds for children's charities when his hooves were hurt in a roadside grass blaze.
Politics doesn't change much
On my trip to Springfield yesterday I learned that Abe Lincoln was not the most popular man around in his day. The press went after him just as they now do the current president.
Which president was accused of changing the purpose for the war he was waging?
Which president was ridiculed for being a poor speaker?
Which president was accused of lacking in intelligence?
Which president was accused of having an incompetent administration?
Which president had a secretary of defense that the press demanded resign?
If you answered Abraham Lincoln AND George W. Bush to all of the above, you are correct. Lincoln was really hated by a lot of people.
Hopefully the current president will end up being half as good a president as Lincoln was, and not just a doofus that some believe he is. Time will tell. Stay tuned.
Abe Lincoln's Long Last Ride
During our visit yesterday to the Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum, I think one of the most interesting things I learned was about his funeral. After he died he was taken by train from Washington D.C. back to Springfield Illinois for burial. The funeral train left Washington at 8 am on April 21, 1865 and retraced the route Mr. Lincoln had traveled as President-elect in 1861. The train made stops in many major cites, where the President’s casket was taken off the train, paraded down the streets, opened for public view and funeral services, and then reloaded onto the train for the next stop.
The funeral train wandered across the northeastern part of the country until May 3, 1865 when it finally reached Springfield. After a day of public viewing the final funeral was held on Thursday, May 4, 1865. Fifteen days…. the President’s long journey home to rest finally complete. They say that more people saw Abraham Lincoln dead that ever saw him alive as President.
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