Oxymoronica

Here are just a few oxymorons from the massive list at oxymoronica.com:

•  Additional reduction (Do I use the PLUS or MINUS button on my calculator?)
•  Alone together  (Just the one of us)
•  All-day briefing  (It won’t take long)
•  Angry patient  (But he complained so calmly)
•  Assistant supervisor (Either you’re the supervisor or not)
•  Attentive husband (Huh?)
•  Awfully pretty 
• Baby doctor (His stethoscope drags the ground)
•  Baked Alaska  (Hot time in a cold climate)
•  Bankrupt millionaire  (Is he or isn’t he?)
•  Beyond infinity  (Maybe even farther than that)
•  Birthday suit (Nice outfit)
•  Bottoms up (Or tops down – you decide)
•  Butthead  (Or a head butt)
•  Catfish  (Birds  crap on my car too)
•  Cheap gas (Only $2.37.9 a gallon… and what’s with this “point 9” cents thing?)
•  Cheerleading scholarship  (You DO have to know how to spell “GO TEAM”)
•  Cherry tomato  (make up your mind)
•  City worker  (One out of the six workers is working)
•  Civil war (“May I shoot you sir?”)
•  Clearly misunderstood  (I know that I have no idea what you just said.)
•  Cold hotdog  (Better than a hot colddog)
•  Concrete pad (Sanitary?)
•  Congressional ethics (Riiiight)
•  Crash landing (He’s a down to earth kind of guy)
•  Dead Man Walking  (They’re called Zombies)
•  Death benefits  (1. You get a lot more rest)
•  Decent lawyer (There has to be one somewhere)
•  Definite maybe  (I think… probably)
•  Deliberate mistake  (Then is is a mistake?)
•  Detailed summary  (Just the facts, ma'am.)
•  Dickhead  (No comment necessary)
•  Disaster relief  (1-800– CALL-FEMA)
•  Discovered missing  (So, is he still missing or not?)
•  Dodge Ram  (I think this is a near miss)
•  Double solitaire (Twice the fun by yourself)
•  Dress shoes  (You can wear them both)
•  Drag race  (“Transvestites, start your engines”.)
•  Drive-thru window (It better be a big one cause I’ve got a big car)
•  Dull shine (I can’t see myself)
•  Duplicate original  (As opposed to the original duplicate)
•  Escaped inmate (I guess that makes him an outmate now)
•  Evaporated milk (It was here a minute ago!)
•  Expected surprise  (When I came home I expected a surprise and there was no surprise for me, so, of course, I was surprised.)
•  Extra ordinary  (I think that means really plain or dull)
•  Fellow sisters  (Tomboys perhaps?)
•  Fish farm (We’ve got 20 acres of trout here and 10 acres of catfish across the road)
•  Free gift (as opposed to a $12 gift)
•  Freezer burn (Avoid by turning the light off in the freezer)
•  Fresh-frozen jumbo shrimp  (double your oxymoronic pleasure)
•  Friendly fire  (I think I’ll shoot my best friend)
•  Genuine imitation (but it’s real fake)
•  Go ahead, back up (Make up your damn mind)
•  Graduate student  (Gonna stay an extra year just to piss of the professor)
•  Green orange )I don’t think you should eat that)
•  Grounded airplane (Isn’t that a car with wings?)
•  High ground (Must be a hill)
•  Hopelessly optimistic
•  House boat
•  Ill health  (You gotta die of something. Might as well be something that’s good for you)
•  Increasingly little (Well, more or less)
•  Incredibly honest (That means he usually lies)
•  Initial conclusion (Same as my initial results, but might differ from my final draft)
•  Inside out  ( I once ate at the Outside Inn)
•  Instant classic  (That’s like Instant H-20 – Just add water)
•  Irate patient (But he complained so calmly)
•  Knee-high panty hose  (They wear them in da hood… like their pants)
•  Large mini-van ( Which differs from a small maxi-van)
•  Light heavyweight (He keeps losing weight and then he finds it)
•  Limited lifetime guarantee  (Don’t we all have limited lifetimes?  No one lives forever.)
•  Living doll  (Isn’t that called a baby?)
•  Loud whisper (Laryngitis)
•  Maxi-Thins  (Or Mini-Fats – your choice)
•  Melted ice  (Don’t they still call that water?)
•  Mental masturbation (I won’t touch that one…. I don’t have to)
•  Mobil station  (On the road again…)
•  Near miss (That’s what you call a crash)
•  Never say never (Did I say that?… twice?)
•  New & Improved (If it was new, how could it be improved?)
•  No good do-gooder  (???)
•  Non-toxic bug spray  (Gives your bugs a nice shine)
•  Original reproduction (Which differs from an original duplication)
•  Paper tablecloth (actually a paper tablepaper)
•   Real imitation leather (Fake imitation leather would be real leather)

More oxymorons

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