Saturday, September 09, 2006

Flying home today

Here’s the pilot on my flight home. 

Female Pilot (Small)

I’m sitting in Tampa International Airport waiting for my flight home.  They have free wireless internet access, so I have something to while I kill some time.  I wasn’t able to get online while in Port Charlotte.

I’m trying to get caught up on email and Bits & Pieces posting while I wait.

Should be back to normal…. at least for a week or so…then it’s off on a motorcycle trek to Branson MO for a few days.  No rest for the wicked!

Sheep in a Snake

No, it’s not another Samuel Jackson bad movie…. it’s real.


This barely recognizable snake bit off more than it could chew when it snacked a pregnant ewe.





How it all began....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of
leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far
from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums
in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they
will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be
made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way
with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum
and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot
Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They
were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS
for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates,
who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist
on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came
to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we
are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.


Take time

A day passed is a day gone

You can make more money

but you can't buy more time



A man at the hospital is starting to get very nervous after having waited, alone, in a hospital room, for three hours. Finally the sound of keys at the door. He calls out nervously: "What is wrong?"

"Mr Smith, we are sorry for the delay, but it took us a while to figure out what was wrong with you."

"And what is wrong with me?"

"You have E.D.K.T.M."

Smith pauses. "What is that?"

"Every Disease Known To Man."

Mr Smith is shocked to say the least: "Uh -- w-w-w-w-w-what can be done about that?"

"Well, we are starting you on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"How on earth can that save me?"

"It can't, but it is the only food we can slide under the door."


Alzheimer's Clinic

Sign_alzheimers_clinic_directions (Medium)





What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.


Steve Irwin quotes

Steve"Crikey means gee whiz, wow!"

"When I see what's happened all over the world, they're looking at me as this very popular, wildlife warrior, Australian bloke. And yet back here in my own country some people find me a little bit embarrassing."

"Crikey, mate. You're far safer dealing with crocodiles and western diamondback rattlesnakes than the executives and the producers and all those sharks in the big MGM building."

"I bled a lot. I got hit across the face. We couldn't film for seven days. I got whacked, underwater, across the face. I finished the shot, got into the boat and blood started coming out."

"I get called an adrenaline junkie every other minute, and I'm fine with that."

"I have no fear of losing my life. If I have to save a koala or a crocodile or a kangaroo or a snake, mate, I will save it."

"I would never blame an animal if it bit me, because I'm at fault, not them. I heal so quickly. If you cut my arm off I would grow a new one."

"I'm high as a kite, mate. I'm flat out like a lizard drinking, all the time. You know I have trouble just sitting here. You know, I'm just like, got to get up."



A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful.
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."



A balloonist on a transcontinental balloon voyage suddenly finds his craft engulfed in fog, his compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, he drifts for days. Suddenly the clouds part to reveal a large building -- and one of the windows is open! The flyer quickly shouts out: "Where am I?"

Startled, one of the workers inside yells back: "About half a mile in from the northeast edge of town."

The balloonist just shakes his head: "You must be in systems support."

"How did you know?"

"The information you just gave me was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

The worker smiles: "You must work in business management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how do you know?"

"Well," replies the worker, "you don't know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is my fault."


Have you ever kissed a pig?

Kissing a pig


Watch the baseball playoffs s if it's a horserace

Just pick a year and a division and start the race.

Do it


Happy meat



Hormone hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant one in your life!  






What's for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine

Are you wearing that?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

Here, have some wine

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn't over-do it today.

I've always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some more wine and chocolate

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

Thanks Paul E 

Welfare check

A guy walks into the local Texas welfare office for his monthly check.  He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month since I left New Orleans.   I'd  really much rather have a job".

The Texas social worker behind the counter says,  "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.   Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.   "You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year"

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The Texas social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Thanks Joe E

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Off to sunny Florida... again

Beach-babe-bewareProbably won’t have much time to work on my tan.

Will be gone til Saturday night. 

I don’t think I’ll have any internet access while I’m there this time so if I don’t post anything – that’s why.

Ya’ll be careful out there!

I luv beer



golf tees

Golf_ball_teeA man pulls into a full service filling station.  As the attendant is waiting for the tank to fill, he is carefully washing the windshield, when he looks down into the car and sees a couple of golf tees sitting on the console.
"What the heck are those for?"  He asked.
"They are for putting your balls on while you're driving."  The customer replied.
The attendant, without a second of thought said, "That damned General Motors thinks of everything!!"
Thanks Mary

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The bird croaked



AA vacation

AA Vacation


Don't try this at home

Don t try this at Home...


Car trouble

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a
limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually
fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.  "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a

"It's unbelievable, " the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.  "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."


Lean beef

Lean Beef


David Copperfield magic

It worked for me.   Try it.


Baby Boomers death statistics

Percentage of Boomers who are dead:
6.56571624 %

Total Boomers left alive:

Seconds before the next Boomer dies:

Boomers died in last 24 hours:

The generally accepted birth years of Baby Boomers is 1946-1964. Kathleen Casey – Born 1 second after midnight on January 1st, 1946 is generally regarded as the "First Baby Boomer". Click here to see a real-time 'Baby Boomer Death Clock'.


Don't you dare cut her off

247 pms


20 ways to annoy your public bathroom stall neighbor

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

From  via

"Gee, your poop smells terrific"

A revolutionary new “poop” deodorizing pill

Whiff reduces or eliminates poop odor by helping your body process and cleanse your poop's key odor-causing compounds. Whiff’s all-natural ingredients, used safely for centuries by Chinese and Native American herbalists, are specially blended for a healthier intestinal environment that lets you truthfully say, "My poop doesn't stink!".

Order yours at Take A Whiff.  Only $15 for a 30 day supply.


List of 160 free PIM's (Personal Information Managers)

Here’s the list…..Windows and Mac based. ……and they’re all free. 


Monday, September 04, 2006

Colorful trapeze artists



Fender skirts and steering knobs

Knob_ford_lgI came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS."

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice….

Like "curb feelers"

And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

 "Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes.
In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other
day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

 Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.


Mr. Fixit



Candy you ate as a kid


Pretty cool interactive site with lots of candies that you can click on to get more info about. 



Laughter is contagious... well, to some anyway

Well fed kid on ride....

.... and he gets no sympathy from his co-rider.

Don't try to move a tree trunk while drunk

How not to move a tree trunk

Don't try this at home kids.



Croc hunter done in by stingray

Steve Irwin, the Australian television personality and environmentalist known as the Crocodile Hunter, was killed Monday by a stingray barb during a diving expedition, media reports said.

Irwin, 44, was filming an underwater documentary on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state when the accident occurred, Sydney's The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported on its Web site.

The Australian Broadcasting Corp. said Irwin was diving near Low Isles Reef near the resort town of Port Douglas, about 2,100 kilometers north of the state capital of Brisbane when the incident happened.

Queensland ambulance service spokesman Bob Hamil confirmed that a diver had been killed by a stingray off Lowe Isles Reef, but said the person's name wasn't being released pending notification of the family.

A rescue helicopter was sent from the nearby city of Cairns, and paramedics from it confirmed the diver's death.

"The probable cause of death is stingray strike to the chest," Hamil said.

Staff at Australia Zoo, Irwin's zoo in southern Queensland, said they had heard the media reports but could not make any comment.

How stingrays can kill you   (From TimesOnline)
StingrayStingrays are placid fish whose larger species are occasionally known to tolerate the efforts of gung-ho scuba divers to "hitch a ride" by clinging to their fins.

But when the usually non-aggressive creatures feel threatened or are trodden on, they are capable of delivering horrific, agonising injuries by lashing out with the razor-sharp, barbed sting at the end of their tails.

The barbs, which grow out of the bayonet-like sting like fingernails, are designed to snag in the flesh of the ray's unwary victim. Each barb is serrated and can be up to 20cm (8ins) long, and is coated with a paralysing toxin which the ray secretes along two grooves in its tail.

Stingray injuries are common, as the fish are often found around the coastline where people swim and paddle. Most wounds are sustained to the legs or feet when stingrays are trodden on in the shallows. In some cases the stingray’s toxic barb is broken off and remains in the wound, especially when the fish is pulled off the victim.

Fatal attacks, such as the one which today cost the life of Australia's "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, are however almost unheard of.

It is only when the barb enters the body through the chest area, so that the heart or other vital organs are damaged and the poison is administered directly, causing the blood vessels to constrict, that very serious injuries can occur and death is more likely.

Dr Bryan Fry, deputy director of the Australian Venom Research Unit at the University of Melbourne, said today that a dose of stingray venom was "extraordinarily painful".

"If (Irwin) was conscious he would have been in agony," Dr Fry told the Reuters news agency.

Dr Fry said stingray venom was a defensive weapon similar to that in stonefish, whose poison is generally fatal, but in the stingray's case the toxin was not lethal. It was the serrated barbs on the stingray's tail that would have delivered the fatal injury, he said.

"It's not the going in, it's the coming out," Fry said. "They have these deep serrations which tear and render the flesh as it comes out."

Read more from this article

Assorted links relating to Steve Irwin (borrowed from Look at This)

'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin killed. R.I.P.
Official Site.
Steve Irwin's Croc One
YouTube - Steve Irwin sacrifices child
Animal Planet :: The Crocodile Hunter
Steve Irwin - Wikipedia
Steve Irwin - IMDb
Irregular Webcomic: The Steve and Terry Cast
Bush town remembers Irwin
Irwin was one of the greats, says Bellamy


Let the fight begin



Here we go again - Music video

Here we go again

Great treadmill video. (I don't think I've EVER written that short sentence before.)