Saturday, March 24, 2007

What's he going to be?

An old southern Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible,
A silver dollar,
A bottle of whiskey,
A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to  himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.  If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!  If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.  But if he  picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a  shame that would be!  And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher muttered in disgust, "he's gonna be a Congressman."

Thanks Bob D

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Friday, March 23, 2007


Priceless (Heaven) (Small)


Is that a carrot in your hand Mr. President, or are you just happy to see me?



My best friend...

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"



Two old guys 87 and 80 were sitting on a park bench....

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."




Hell (Entrance)


I got your backside

Back to back


Your age by restaurant math

I posted something similar to this a while back.  It’s interesting.

It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .... If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE!

Supposedly this only works in 2007.



Funny air traffic controllers quotes

These funny conversations 'allegedly' took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery.  

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


32 things you can do with beer

I guess it should be 33.  They don’t mention drinking it.

1. Bathe In It Beer
2. Put Out A Fire
3. Marinate Meat
4. Polish Pots
5. Make Beer Barbecue Sauce
6. Shampoo Hair
7. Loosen Rusty Bolts
8. Clear Up Brown Spots In Your Lawn
9. Steam Clams Or Mussels
10. Pass A Kidney Stone
11. Boil Shrimp
12. Kill Slugs
13. Find Due North
14. Soothe Tired Feet
15. Make A Beer Slide
16. Lower Your Blood Pressure
17. Trick A Cheap Landlord
18. Bake Beer Bread
19. Catch Mice
20. Tie A Fly
21. Cure Insomnia
22. Massage Yourself
23. Calm An Upset Stomach
24. Build Your Next Home
25. Cook Rice
26. Stop Snoring
27. Build A Plane
28. Roast Chicken
29. Ice A Hamstring
30. Build Delightful Patio Furniture
31. Tame A Wild Hair
32. Scale Fish

 Serious details available on each item in the list here.



Jack Facts

Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why?
Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack_20bauer-799991Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.

When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.


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GPS tracking via cellphone

This is unbelievable. You can track anyone via their cell phone by using the "satellite positioning system."  Just type in the phone number with the area code and click "start search." Check this out!


Thanks Joe P

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What were they thinking?

Toys that shouldn’t exist… at any age…but do!

Toy10 Toy11 Toy12 Toy13 Toy14 Toy15 Toy16

More toys that shouldn’t exist


The sun is pretty damn hot!

Here’s proof.


How to properly place new employees

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

* A.  If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

* B.  If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

* C.  If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

* D.  If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them In Planning.

* E.  If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

* F.  If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

* G.  If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

* H.  If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

* I.  If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

* J.  If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

* K.  If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

* L.  If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

* M.  Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Thanks ljd

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Who's yo' Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy? 
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of  child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these people!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Donnie Mac


Thursday, March 22, 2007

Al Jazeera Weather Forecast

Al Jazeera (Weather Forecast)


Skywalk officially opens next Wednesday

Skywalk_002March 28, 2007 - The Official Public Opening Of The Skywalk

Grand Canyon West, a destination owned and operated by the Hualapai Tribe at the Grand Canyon’s western rim, announces March 28, 2007 as the official public opening date of The Skywalk. The Skywalk will be the first-ever cantilever shaped glass walkway to suspend more than 4,000 feet above the canyon’s floor and extend 70 feet from the canyon’s rim.

Access to The Skywalk will run from dawn to dusk and will cost $25 per person in addition to the cost of a Grand Canyon West entrance package. One hundred and twenty people will be allowed on the bridge at a time. Admittance is first come, first serve for walk up visitors; however, reservations can be made. Guests will enter and exit the walkway via temporary buildings while the adjacent visitor’s center is being completed. Grand Canyon West plans to issue numbered shoe covers – in order to avoid scratches and slipping - to each visitor that enters the open-air walkway.

Not a runway




Monkey love



Police response




Shoulda walked home

LaRusaWorld Champions St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested early this morning for suspicion of driving while intoxicated in Jupiter Florida where the team is in the midst of spring training.

Here’s the arrest report from the Booking Blotter for the Sheriff’s Department.

A release from the Jupiter Police Department said the traffic stop occurred around midnight. The report said La Russa was given a field sobriety test that showed the manager’s blood alcohol level was 0.093. Florida law considers 0.080 driving under the influence. He gave two breath samples at Palm Beach County Jail before being booked.

The charge is a misdemeanor. Despite posting bond, La Russa was required to spend eight hours in custody before being released, Palm Beach County Sheriff Department spokesman Paul Miller said.

La Russa was found asleep and slumped over inside his stalled dark blue Ford SUV at Frederick Small Blvd. and Military Trail, the release from Jupiter police said. La Russa’s foot was on the vehicle’s brake pedal.

A report filed by Jupiter police said the Cardinals manager was breathing but initial attempts to rouse La Russa by "repeated knocks on the window" on the driver’s side window were unsuccessful. After waking, La Russa complied with an undercover officer’s request to put the car in park, according to the release.

Read the story   Photo by Al

Best ad ever

Bike ad

Thanks Phyllis

A conversation

 A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?''Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?''OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'



How would you like to be on this cruise ship?

Footage from a helicopter of the passenger cruiser 'Voyager' caught in heavy seas.


Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Gather Wood (Hout Sprokkelen) (Small)



Rookie reliever

Baseball (Major League).


Jokes for the older crowd

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
---------------------------------------- ------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!



Been here before

Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.

Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.

Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.

Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.

Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).

Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.

Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.

Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.

Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.

Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.

Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.

Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mum served the week before.

Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.

Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.

Deja woo: The feeling that you been on this date before.

Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.

Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.

DUH-ja-vu: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!



Top 10 pirate pick-up lines

 10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pirate pickup line is...

1. Avast! Prepare to be boarded!



Almost home

Almost home

Road trip

Road trip

Stupid People

Kinda hurts to watch how stupid my fellow humans can be.

Bear 1 - Stupid Tourist 0


Bull 1 - Bullfighter 0


Why we love kids

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents"
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always sang: "Glory be to the Faaather, and to the Sonnn, and into the hole he goes."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered , "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Thanks ljd (whoever you are)


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Long dog

Long dog


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This is what $250 Million looks like


From a Mexican drug raid.

More pics


Kindergarten Jackass



Stupid photographer


When animals invade....

I think someone needs some clean underwear.




Evolution of man and woman....


Too funny!   Obviously drawn by a woman.



Romance is in the air



Democrat fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.



What's in a name?

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm Telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together" the guy said And he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his Office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.   You Told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.


Dick van Dyke



How to tell when it's over...

You come home and find this…..


An open letter

Urine test

Thanks Paul E

Learn Chinese in five minutes

That's not right
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Fuk

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao


Best selling pen stand in Iraq




Most stolen Social Security number... and other SSN facts

Did you know that 078-05-1120 is the most stolen social security number ever? Over 40,000 people have claimed that this number, belonging to a secretary of an wallet manufacturing executive, is their own.

In 1938, wallet manufacturer the E. H. Ferree company in Lockport, New York decided to promote its product by showing how a Social Security card would fit into its wallets. A sample card, used for display purposes, was inserted in each wallet. Company Vice President and Treasurer Douglas Patterson thought it would be a clever idea to use the actual SSN of his secretary, Mrs. Hilda Schrader Whitcher.

The wallet was sold in Woolworth's and even though the card was half the size of a real one and printed all in red, 40,000 people "ID thefted" the number. Eventually, Ms. Whitcher was issued a new SSN.

# The lowest SSN was given to Grace D. Owen of Concord, New Hampshire in 1936 and it was 001-01-0001.
# The first recipient of social security benefits was Ernest Ackerman who received a lump-sum payment 17 cents in 1937.

From via


Drug Runner

Drugboat_smallHow about a 2,000 HP outboard inflatable?  Not your typical fishing boat.

Here’s the latest drug runner from some European nuts.

This thing flies across the English Channel three times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.

They were so blown away by the speed of the thing that they brought in a specialized chopper to catch it.   What was on board?   300 kg’s of pure cocaine.

More at

Thanks Tommy Salami


Monday, March 19, 2007

Don't drink and drive



How old is Grandpa?

How old is Grandpa???  Stay with this -- the answer is at the end.  It will blow you away.  One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.  The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.  The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: television,  penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and  the pill.

 There were no:,  credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented:  pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and, man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

 Your Grandmother and I got married first, .  .  And then lived together.  Every family had a father and a mother.  Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".  And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.  Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.  Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.  Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.  We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.   And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.  We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.  Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.  And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, .  .  .  But who could afford one?  Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. 

In my day:  "grass" was mowed,  "coke" was a cold drink,  "pot" was something your mother cooked in and  "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.   "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,  "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.  And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.  No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap...  And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in are in for a shock!  Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. 

 Are you ready ????? 

This man would be only 59 years old!!!! 

Thanks Donnie Mac

Owners manual





Car washLook up the word “moron” in the dictionary and this picture of a guy washing his car in the pouring rain just might be there.


Differences between you and your boss

1 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.




The USPS and UPS decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the UPS team won by a mile.

The USPS, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the UPS team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering. The USPS team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So USPS management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. The consultants advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

    To prevent another loss to UPS, the USPS rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the, "Voice of the Employee Program," with meetings and dinners for the Management Team and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses for the Management Team. In the end, the only thing that was implemented was the bonuses for the Management Team. The next year the UPS team won by two miles!

    Humiliated, USPS management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Management Team as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.


Be prepared

I’d say that was probably unexpected.
Be prepared



How to cure a sore throat

Large_cayenneYou’re not gonna believe this….

Read all about it.


A good sport

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?   What a team is?" 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" 
The little boy nodded yes. 

"So," t he coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.   Do you understand all that? 
Again the little boy nodded. 

He continued, "An d when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?" 
Again the little boy nodded. 

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".

Thanks Joe P

Middle aged from a woman's point of view

A woman writes about mid-life…..

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women.  Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be .  .  .  Puhleeeeeeeze!  I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.  Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.  Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.  This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.  We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.  Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.  Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.  Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go.  In fact the only thing we can retain is water.  Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective .  .  .  You start pondering the "big" questions.  What is life?  Why am I here?  How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?  But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.  We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.  Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when?  Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.  That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! 

Thanks Joe P

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Wishful thinking

Interesting bleach job.  Dream on big guy.

Bodyart Jeans (Wishful Thinking)



Fighting fires the easy way

Fire fighter


Watch out for that run-a-way tire


Really flat tire

Flat tire



Irish joke

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B$@T*RD!!!!"



14 Things That It Took Over 50 Years To Learn—by Dave Barry

   1.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

   3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

   4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

   6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

   7. Never lick a steak knife.

   8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

   9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

  13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

  14. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.



Pong shirt


Battery operated.  $24.95  Get it here


Praying pup

Dog prayer


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What message is Hillary sending?

Hillary FU pic






Your flight is arriving at gate 114



More pics


Doin it yourself


Something else I never thought about....

Dying on a plane!  What happens then?


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