Saturday, October 20, 2007

Kid art

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:…


Art1
First of all, I’ve ridden a lot of bikes in my time, but I’ve never, ever seen one with 874 spokes on it.  I hope you never become an engineer.
And what’s with the kid on the bike?  Yeah, that one with the sword sticking out of his body.  Is he riding to the hospital? 
And where the hell is his other leg?  Did it just magically disappear?  Maybe it got caught in one of those god-forsaken spokes and was ripped off.    GRADE: F


 


 


Art 2
OK Rupert, I’m going to be easy on you, since you’re probably retarded and can’t draw a logical picture to save your life.
First of all, what’s with that yellow pee monster attacking that goofy girl?  Yeah, you know who I’m talking about.  That girl impaled on both sides with daggers.  Is she scared of the creature or the fact that the sun appears to be ovulating?
And who’s that creepy, tall green-headed man on the right?  David Banner?  Maybe he’s there to investigate why this girl seems to have a darker moustache than most teenage boys.   GRADE: F


Art3
It’s a bird.  It’s a plane.  No, it’s a flying tampon with whiskers.  What in God’s name is that thing?  A ghost?
By the way, nice running shoes, Forrest.  They look like two severed bird heads which you stepped on while running away from the Kotex Monster.
Notice how the sun is smiling away, like all is happy and joyful in the world…. while this kid with 7 fingers on one hand and 4 on the other is running for his life.
And what’s with the hair man?  Is that a new style, or is your head smoldering from being in such close proximity to the sun?   GRADE:
F


 


Art4
You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.   GRADE: F


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 Art5Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren’t supposed to have ears, dipshit.   GRADE: F


 


 


 


 


 


 


Art6Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved.  I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of crap.   GRADE: F


 


 


 


 


 


 


Art7That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST?
Nice try, Hitler.   GRADE: F


 


 


 


 


Art8


 This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find
all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers?   GRADE: F


 


 


 Thanks Gene

Woofers

WoofersPun intended, the "Woofer" is a co-axial speaker system consisting of two dogs. The custom engineered electronic filters make for great sound, and the aesthetics - well, you've definitely got two new best friends.


Size: 20"H x 11.5"W x 17"D (per speaker)

Material: Polyester.

Speaker: 60watt - 180 watt RMS, 4 ohm impedance.


Only $999 here.


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I'm thinking about running for city council

Womensshower


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Reflections

..or lack thereof…



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Falling For Hillary

…. make that Falling With Hillary… a bikini clad Hillary.
Falling hillary


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Coat hanger gorilla

Coat hanger gorilla


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Save paper - Save the planet

Save pper


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The Natural

Manual


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Morning after

Morning after


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Blowhard

Blowhard


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Falling up


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Friday, October 19, 2007

Burning rubber in aisle 3

Cart


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The wedding party limo

Wedding party


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Windows Vista Vinyl Edition

Vista


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Fancy new supermarket

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you take in the scent of fresh hay.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.


I do not buy toilet paper there.


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Paper or plastic?

Last week, I was grocery shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde woman right ahead of me.


As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the grocery bagger courteously asked the blonde woman, "Paper or plastic?"


"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bi-sacksual."


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Canasta

Canasta


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Procrastination

Procrastination


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Don't do it!

Do not read


You read it didn’t you?  You just like living on the edge don’t you?  You rebel!


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Basebrawl

Basebrawl


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Brainscan

How about a free Brainscan.  All you do is type your name in and presto, your brain is scanned.


Here’s mine:


Brainscannr


I really have no idea what it means…… maybe I’m happy… somewhat peace-full and like to shake hands.


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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Movies aren't real

Movies


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A true HillBilly

Hillblly

Brought to you by Astroglide

Analtv


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Plain or Battered?

Tshirt_battered


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Clifff is a dangerous guy

Cliffedgeviawwwnotafronqi1


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Iraq-War Clichés or New Euphemisms for Taking a Crap?


  • Giving the surge time to work

  • Pursuing an exit strategy

  • Setting a timetable for withdrawal

  • To cut and run

  • Spreading democracy

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Toilet Tissue

Shitbegone


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Pool princess

Pool princess


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This looks like a good place to take a nap....

Soused


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Church service...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a
large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The
seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the
little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex”. “Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on
the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” he asked. The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”


Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and
trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?


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Golden globes

Goldfish that is….
Gold fish globes


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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Taking care of business

Taking care of business


Thanks Nancy

Say cheese

Cheese


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All souped up and no place to go

Casket


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Bubba the mortician...

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.


'Dere's no charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'


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Scary, isn't it?

Hillaryass


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Man was not meant to fly...


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Happy sunset

Beautifulsky


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Choices

Choose wisely.
CHOICES+2


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End of the hippo

… literally.
End og hippo


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Looks like somebunny's in trouble

Bunny


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