Saturday, October 07, 2006

Off to Vegas for a few days

I’m off to Las Vegas early Sunday morning for a convention.    I will try to post when I can.
Las Vegas - Las Vegas Blvd (Small)

Pig bra

Pig bra


Nice body though….



I am damn good looking

Talking to Mesellf Tegen Mezelf Praten


Don't worry... Be happy



I think she means Richard



5 Famous Proverbs Finished by Kids

These grade 1’s had a chance to finish these famous proverbs and they did a great job!

1. When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

2.  Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

3. The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

4. A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

5. No news is . . . impossible.


Friday, October 06, 2006







A bottle of wine

Wally was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Wally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wally.

"What in bag?" asked the old man. Wally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade....."


Polly want a cracker?

Bird flew
Bied Flew


Mr Rogers' Wrong Video

Making harmonicas

Anybody seen the lake?



A penny – Up close and personal

This is from the Micro Image Blog.  It’s a close-up of the back of a Lincoln penny which has the memorial complete with the tiny figure of the president sitting.  Magnification:  50x.


I didn’t know the figure of Lincoln was there.


Another E. coli loss

E coli

Thanks Paul

A tale of Indian winter

A pioneer rancher spent the summer making a huge stack of hay to feed his cows through the winter.  When he thought he had enough, he sent his son to ask a wise old Indian chief what kind of winter to expect. 

The chief solemnly shook his head and sad, “Bad!”

Alarmed, the rancher made even more hay, then sent his son back for an updated forecast.

“Very bad!”, said the Indian chief.

So the rancher desperately made still more hay, then sent his son back to the chief.

“Bad winter.  Much cold.  Deep snow for many moons”, he warned ominously.

Impressed and worried, the son finally asked, “Please tell me: How do you know this?”

The chief pointed towards the family’s distant ranch and said, “Because white man make much hay”.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I really should get out and ride more often

Left Behind Too Long Te Lang Achtergelaten (Small)


Funny... but not a bad idea

If you don’t trip and fall.
Cleaning Slippers Kuispantoffels (Small)


A thought....

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So ...

Why learn.

Martha and Muriel

*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*Muriel's Way* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*Muriel's Way* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*Muriel's Way*Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*Muriel's Way*If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Muriel's Way* Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*Muriel's Way* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*Muriel's Way* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Muriel's Way* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
*Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*Muriel's Way* Leftover wine???????????

Talking aviation

Flying-school Vliegschool (Medium)


Freeze frame

Foxtel Pauze Live TV


grab a Heinie

Hein eken AdReclame (Medium)


WANTED: Have you seen this man?

He looks a little vague to me.  OK… a lot vague.
Wanted man  Wanted man2

But the police do want him in connection with a sex crime.


A mouse story

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.


"What food might this contain?"

The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

 Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.


"There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"


The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me.

I cannot be bothered by it."


The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"


The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers."


The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"


The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.

I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."


So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.


That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --

like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.


The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.


The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.


But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.


The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.


The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.


So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember --

when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.


We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

Thanks Mickie

It's a lot closer than you think

HellmiIt’s in Michigan.

 Hell was first settled in 1838 by George Reeves and his family. George had a wife and 7 daughters – no reason to call it Hell yet… George built a mill and a general store on the banks of a river that is now known as Hell Creek. The mill would grind the local farmers grain into flour; George also ran a whiskey still, so a lot of times the first 7-10 bushels of grain became moonshine.

In turn, horses would come home without riders, wagons without drivers….someone would say to the wife, where is your husband? She'd shrug her shoulders, throw up her arms and exclaim, 'Ahh, he's gone to Hell!'

In 1841 when the State of Michigan came by, and asked George what he wanted to name his town, he replied, 'Call it
Hell for all I care, everyone else does.' So the official date of becoming Hell was October 13, 1841.


... Or turtle rape?

Big damn bully.

Lucky To Be Alive Compilation (shocking Video)

Talking Urinal Dispenses Advice

Just what your average drunk needs.

Psychic Drawing

Psychic drawing... on live TV

Bindi Sue Irwin - Speech About Steve Irwin

The Croc Hunter's daughter Bindi will carry on in her daddy's footsteps.

Catch hrase funny

Very funny video from the British (I think) TV show "Catch Phrase".

Tongue Tricks

Bet you can't do this.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Man-eating shark


Available here



On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."


Courtroom antics

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty .


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: You really need to ask?????


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



And this is the best of the bunch....

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere!


That should help



Free at last

I was following this car the other day and luckily had my camera with me.

They walk among us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.  To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free.  You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.  He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.  It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.  She drove down in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.
They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.  My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.  He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.  He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat
6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!



Three rules on aging

3 rules


Scuba Dog

Scuba dog


Heads up! ... and Down



Kids say the darndest things

  • "I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

  • "TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

  • "I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

  • "I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

  • "Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

  • "Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

  • "Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

  • "I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

  • "There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

  • "Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

  • "If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

  • "Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

  • "Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

  • "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

  • "How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

  • "They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

  • "Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

  • "I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

  • "Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.
  • "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers
  • "Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet.
  • "I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

  • "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

  • "Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.

  • "I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents
  • From 


    Just another day at the beach



    'I got your Touchdown right here"

    Notice the male cheerleader…. ow whatever he is…the guy in the blue pants and white shirt.


    Tips for Handling Telemarketers

    This is reportedly from Andy Rooney:

    Three Little Words That Work !! (1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

    These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

    (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

    This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!! (3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved"

    letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope . Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight.

    In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes)

    ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If y ou want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

    You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

    The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them.

    Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

    Thanks Joe P

    Tuesday, October 03, 2006

    In need of nourishment

    Hungry puppy

    Getting to the bottom of things

    Peanut buttter jar


    She-Devil's guide to driving a man crazy

    She-Devil s Guide


    Lobster tales $5

    A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

    Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,  "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?

    "Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

    "Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."

    "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."

    "Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"

    "No, they're definitely today's."

    "Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.

    "Yes," she insisted.

    "Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

    She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."


    At a bar....

     I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

    "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had
    just rated me a nine out of ten.

    "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "But when I walked in, they were speaking German."


    Math is pretty.. and cool

    1 x 8 + 1 = 9
    12 x 8 + 2 = 98
    123 x 8 + 3 = 987
    1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
    12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
    123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
    1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
    12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
    123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

    1 x 9 + 2 = 11
    12 x 9 + 3 = 111
    123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
    1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
    12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
    123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
    1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
    12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
    123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

    9 x 9 + 7 = 88
    98 x 9 + 6 = 888
    987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
    9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
    98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
    987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
    9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
    98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

    1 x 1 = 1
    11 x 11 = 121
    111 x 111 = 12321
    1111 x 1111 = 1234321
    11111 x 11111 = 123454321
    111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
    1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
    11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
    111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321



    Oh, the irony

    ChimexChimfex Fire Suppressor - SOLD OUT

    Due to a fire at the Factory the Chimfex product is no longer available.



    Time for a shave and a haircut perhaps?

    Trim time


    Discriminatory? I won't be complaining



    Interesting quote... considering the source

    Speaking of Bill Clinton and the Monica Lewisnky scandal in 1998…..

    "It's vile,  It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."  — Rep. Mark Foley, R-West Palm Beach.



    Suicide bombing explained in simple English

    Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

    Let's see now. . . 

      No Jesus
      No Christmas
      No television
      No cheerleaders 
      No baseball
      No football
      No hockey
      No golf
      No tailgate parties
      No Wal-Mart
      No Home Depot
      No BBQ Pork
      No hot dogs
      No burgers
      No chocolate chip cookies
      No lobster
      No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
      No gumbo
      No jambalaya
      No Beer
     Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

    Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. 

    Constant wailing from the guy in the tower
    More than one wife.
    You can't shave.
    Your wives can't shave.
    You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey= cooked over burning camel dung.
    The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
     Your bride is picked by someone else.
    She smells just like your donkey.
    But your donkey has a better disposition.
    Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
    I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
    Thanks Ronnie