- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one (Which one?)
- William Kelly was fed secretary (Hope he was hungry)
- Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted (I’d like to slug a few kids)
- Farmer bill dies in house (Better than out in the field)
- Iraqi head seeks arms (Helps make a body whole)
- Queen Mary having bottom scraped (I’m not gonna touch that one)
- Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
- Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over (He’s a pervert)
- Child's stool great for use in garden
- Miners refuse to work after death (Lazy bums)
- Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 (I believe I’ll have another beer)
- If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while (DUH!)
- Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years (Really?)
- Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say (well, they’re the experts, they oughta know)
- Man is fatally slain (Is there another way to be slain?)
- Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation (When you stop talking to people, they stop talking to you)
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