Here are a few of his funny one-liners.
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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