Sunday, May 21, 2006

Wino wisdom

From Modern Drunkard Magazine

Winoanar“Excuse me, sir, care to make a donation to the United Negro Michelob Fund?”
An unusually honest panhandler outside Murphy’s Pub, Alexandria, VA.

“If you don’t drink in the morning, you can’t be drunk all day.”
Uncle Tom breaking out philosophy and the first beer of the morning.

  “If you want to drink all day, you gotta start early.”
Unnamed drunk at Mary’s Cafe, Clifton Heights PA.

“The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?"
Robert G. eschewing the philosophical for the practical.

“The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.”
Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge.

”No wonder you were sick—look at all the puke you swallowed!”
A bartender’s pithy diagnosis of a patron face down on the bar

“The jukebox is the drunkard’s fireplace.”
Troy B., warming himself to Wheel in the Sky in the Streets of London Pub.

“My wife never knew I drank until I made the mistake of coming home sober.”
Overheard at Riley’s Tavern in Broomfield, CO.

“Behind every good man, there’s a bartender in front of him.”
Sheer genius overheard by William G. at The Library Bar, NYC.

“Will Kidnap Your Mother-in-Law For Beer Money.”
Sign held by unnamed wino at the corner of Colfax and Grant.

“I was merely trying to appreciate the perspective of the snake.”
Unnamed patron at the Leisure Lounge, explaining why she was found laying under a pool table.

“I once got so drunk I woke up in a tree. Which wasn’t so bad, except the tree was in a different state than I started in. I call that being ‘Cross-Country Tree-Climbin’ Drunk.’”
Roy B., drinking on the ground and in his home state (for now).

Many more bits of wino wisdom

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