Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Fun Thoughts
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Dont worry that the world ends today; its already tomorrow in Australia!
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost
via
A mystery cleared up
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
How to stop people from bugging you about getting married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Barry Bonds imitators
Probably more truth to this than we think.
Barry when he was a Pirate and Barry now as a Giant. Ya think steroids might have had something to do with the difference?
Music for bondage... if that's your thing
My partner and I are spending a long night in a rather old, expensive and very opulant hotel next weekend. Think four posters, venetian glass, tactile velvets, silk brocades, hand-printed wallpapers etc. OTT grand. While there we'll be indulging our kink for ropes and knots.
It turns out there is a nice Bose sound system in our room and I'd like to put together a little background music to cover the noise we'll be making ourselves.
So, music to tie one's lover up to? What would the Marquis listen to? Classical, baroque?? Or should we just drop in a Merzbow cd and really torture ourselves?
Something funny going on with the clock on 24
Somebody's got waaaay to much free time to notice this… This concerns the TV show 24.
A couple of months ago, I noticed that the 24 clock renders the numeral 1 with a short serif at the top. Here's another screenshot from last Monday's episode, with the serif circled:
That serif is a needless typographic flourish. A normal clock wouldn't have a serif there, and in fact it's totally illogical for the 24 clock to have one: None of the other numerals show evidence that the LEDs on top are split in half and can render a serif. The LED bars along the top are always solid when used in the other numerals, and the light that illuminates the top bars in the other numerals is consistent and unbroken.
So I noticed this and it amused me, but I didn't think much of it, because why should the 24 clock have to be logical and believable? Every episode of the show contains a lot of stuff that's illogical and unbelievable.
….Okay, still with me? Then I noticed that these half-width 1's are always kerned artificially close to the numeral (or the colon) to its left:
Bear eats monkey in front of zoo visitors
It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.
The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."
Make me feel like a woman
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse; a wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then, she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare. All eyes are riveted on the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a cowboy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana stands up in the rear.
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. As he does, he unbuttons his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers, "Iron this....and then get me a beer."
Thanks Mary
Monday, May 15, 2006
Ten best and worst Hollywood autograqph signers
10 Best
1. Johnny Depp
2. George Clooney
3. Matt Damon
4. Al Pacino
5. Tom Cruise
6. Angelina Jolie
7. Elijah Wood
8. Brittany Murphy
9. Jack Nicholson
10. Clint Eastwood
10 Worst
1. Cameron Diaz
2. Bruce Willis
3. Demi Moore
4. Tobey Maguire
5. Alan Alda
6.
8. Teri Hatcher
9. Joaquin Phoenix
10. Russell Crowe
Pepsi girl
Watch this video….then this one.
Nicely done.
Girls night out
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.'"
Thanks Phyllis
Results from the national illegal immigant boycott held a couple weeks ago
Final retailers report on the May 1st National USA illegal immigrant boycott of a couple of weeks ago.
On May 1st, as a result of the illegal immigrant boycott, national retailers reported 4.2% lower sales for the day, with a 67.8% reduction in shoplifting.
Buenos dias.
Thanks Donnie Mac
Birth control
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method.
That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was The pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. 
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
Thanks Phyllis
Kids are smarter than you think
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
Thanks Phyllis
Sunday, May 14, 2006
New Orleans today
These pictures were taken a few days ago in the 9th ward of the city of New Orleans. It doesn’t look like much has been done …. and there is still flooding.
Short video of Baby jumping festival
Book your tickets now, because the annual baby jumping festival in Castrillo de Murcia, Spain is only eight weeks away. In this bizarre festival, grown men, dressed as El Colacho (the devil) jump over tiny babies to ward off bad luck and to cleanse the babies of the evil that infests them when they are born. (You have to love how far these people have taken the concept of original sin: Not only are you born evil, but you have to have some crazy old man jumping over you to save your soul.) Anyway, here are some picture below to get you excited about your trip to Spain. I wasn't able to figure out how much boozing these fellows have undertaken before they bound over the bambinos, though, so don't put your kid out there to be hopped on.
How Google Search really works
How Google really works…. the simplified answer.
$10,000 bill
Ever wondered what a 10,000 dollar bill looks like? Well, check it out below. The Department of Treasury hasn't printed these puppies since 1945, and they were withdrawn from circulation in 1969, so it's pretty unlikely that you'll be asked to crack a 10 G bill next time you're working the graveyard shift at the old Mini-Mart.
A couple of comments:
1) The face on the $10G bill belongs to Salmon P. Chase. Chase was a Darmouth grad (AD). He went on to be Lincoln's Secretary of Treasury, and, if you believe Gore Vidal in "Lincoln," he was a total a-hole and tried to sabatoge Lincoln's presidency for his own benefit. Eventually, his ambition and his inability to work with the rest of the cabinet led to his resignation from the cabinet in 1864. Apparently, he mended his relationship with Lincoln, because when Supreme Court Justice Robert Taney died later that year, Lincoln nominated Chase to take his position. Chase remained on the court until his death in 1873.
2) Adjusted for inflation, $10,000 in 1969 is worth $53,099.60 in 2005 dollars. I wonder who we would put on the $53,100 dollar bill if we had one now?
Baseball's wackiest promotions
From the Belleville News Democrat
Some of Mike Veeck's wackier baseball promotions
_ Tonya Harding Mini-Bat Night, Charleston RiverDogs: Fans received a miniature bat and the former figure skater was on hand to autograph them.
_ Enron Night, Portland (Ore.) Beavers: Paper shredders were at the gates and the announced attendance was later adjusted downward.
_ Nobody Night, Charleston RiverDogs - The 1,800 fans who showed up were locked out of the stadium for a tailgate party until the fifth inning, when the game became official. Announced attendance: zero.
_ Mime-O-Vision Night, St. Paul Saints - Five mimes acted out plays atop the dugout. Concession sales were strong, but staff had to escort the mimes out after fans hurled hot dogs at the actors.
_ Silent Night, Charleston RiverDogs: Fans taped their mouths and sat in silence, using signs to cheer, boo and get the beer man's attention. Librarians served as ushers.
Looking for a logo?
4,989 logos. This is 100% free service. All logos are available in Adobe Illustrator format and are compressed by ZIP.
Creativity quotes
- "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
- "Problems cannot be solved by thinking within the framework in which the problems were created." — "Albert Einstein"
- "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
- "When a finger points to the moon the imbecile looks at the finger" -- Chinese proverb.
- "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
- "If you can dream it, you can do it." -- Walt Disney.
- "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."
- "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
- "Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream." -- Malcolm Muggeridge.
- "Aeroplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
- "Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than in the one where they sprang up." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes.
- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
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