Thanks Fishy
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Free WI-FI in St. Louis?
According to the St. Louis Post Dispatch and STLToday:
By late this summer, AT&T Inc. could provide free wireless access to the Internet throughout downtown in the first phase of a proposed Wi-Fi network covering all of St. Louis.
The plan is expected to come up Friday for final approval by the Board of Aldermen. If approved, AT&T Inc. would start building the network this spring in a two-square-mile area stretching from downtown west to St. Louis University. The rest of the city could have access within three years.
AT&T has been negotiating for nearly a year with Mayor Francis Slay's office and with other city officials, Alderman Matt Villa, D-11th Ward, said Thursday at a meeting of the public utilities committee. The agreement would allow AT&T to install the network downtown first, then expand into the rest of the city if officials like it.
The proposal is to have 20 hours a month for free anywhere in the city. More time would require a fee. The vote by the Board of Aldermen was supposed to be today.
What a way to go....
…after Hoohaa replaced Vagina recently. Confused?
Horse - It's what's for dinner
“I quickly found out, however, that it's just about impossible to get a good piece of horse in the U.S. “
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Take us to your leader....
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and the younger of the two aliens addressed it and its round glass face.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response, and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, the younger alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the petrol pump and fired.
There was a huge petrol explosion.
A massive fireball roared outwards and towards him and blew the younger Alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes, and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green glassy head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It darn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh of the younger alien, and shared some knowledge.
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien, "when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
Hard working duck
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"
Pregnant
Woman goes into labor yells, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Can’t!”
She was having contractions.
Creative revenge
This guy drives up to his house and the place where he usually parks is full of snow. So, he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.
it takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes, etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved, however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
So, this guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty note, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.
The note on the car read, "You want the space? Here. It's yours until spring!"
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Guide to Lacing Sneakers
I had no idea there was more than one way to lace your shoes. I guess I knew you could do it other ways…but I never did. I need to get out more..
Here are just a few examples:
At the rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached That said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if It was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery.
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The eye exam
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
HandzOff
Dog story
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Houston, we have a problem
A NASA astronaut accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections was charged with attempted first-degree murder Tuesday and jailed on $25,000 bail.
"The intent was there to do serious bodily injury or death," said Orlando Police Sgt. Barb Jones, referring to a new steel mallet, knife, rubber tubing and large garbage bags that police found in Lisa Marie Nowak's possession.
Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.
Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.
Phone math
Grab a calculator. you probably won’t be able to do this in your head.
Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (not the area code)
Multiply by 80
Add 1
Multiply by 250
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again (just for good measure)
Subtract 250
Divide your answer by 2.
Do you recognize the answer?
If you did the correct math the answer should be your phone number.
Thanks Joe P
Monday, February 05, 2007
A call to the firehouse
New wine for seniors
Men and women
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
New phone
He said, "How do you like your new cellphone?"
She said, "I just love it, it fits in my purse, and your voice is so clear. But how did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
Super Bowl ads
Here are this year’s Super Bowl ads. I missed quite a few of them during the game yesterday because of all the goings-on at the party I attended. I’ll check these out later. (I have quite a bit of work to do today and have to attend a funeral.)
Let us know about your favorite ad.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Super Bowl Sunday
Billy Joel will sing the national anthem, assuming he can drive safely to the stadium. Cirque du Soleil will perform before the game. Prince will star in the half-time entertainment. Hopefully there will be no wardrobe malfunctions.
One day in Heaven….
Tom Brady died tragically one day. When he got to heaven st peter showed him his house, a good sized place with patriots flags and colors... then tom looked at another house that was an enormous mansion, had a blue garage, blue windows, a colts flag flying in the front yard, it looked like it had about 50 rooms. Tom was upset so he asked God, "God, i have won several championships, MVP's, lead my team to many 4th quarter comebacks, and I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but why is Peyton Mannings house so much bigger and better then mine? he hasn't even won a championship (yet)" God turned and looked at the house, turned back to Tom and said, "thats not Peytons house, thats mine."
Young Fans
A first-grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Kelly has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports.
"Then," asks the teacher," What are you?"
"I'm a Chicago Bears fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too," she responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Kelly smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Colts fan."
Near Miss
A Bears fan was driving when he spotted a Colts fan walking along the road. For fun, he swerved near him, veering away just in time.
Though he was certain he had missed the guy, he heard a loud THUD.
The Bears fan glanced in his mirrors but didn’t see anything. “What was that?” he asked friend in the back seat. “I thought I missed that Colts fan.”
“You did” replied his friend, “But I got him with the door.”
Going to the Game?
This is cheap for today’s game. Wonder how many miles this is from the stadium.
Dog Bowl
Guy’s in a bar watching a Bear/Packer game a few years ago. The owner’s small dog is allowed to run around on the bar.
Each time the Packers score the dog yips and yaps with glee. When the game ends with GB winning, the dog goes absolutely crazy, dancing on the bar, complete with several back flips.
Guy looks at the owner and says, “Wow, he’s a real Packer fan. What would he have done if the Bears won?”
Bartender replies, “Don’t know, he’s only seven years old.”
The Chicago Bears took the field for their first Super Bowl practice in Miami. Not long after the practice started a Bear offensive player noticed a white, powdery substance on the field. Practice was immediately stopped and experts were called in to examine the substance. With recent scares about anthrax, officials worried that terrorists had somehow gained access to the field. A group of nervous Chicago players stood and watched as the substance was examined. Finally the tests were completed and the experts revealed that the powder was just the chalk dust from the goal line. It was an understandable mistake considering the Bears' offense seldom got near that area of the field.
Fast break
New epidemic strikes bicyclists
From Say No To Crack:
We just learned of an epidemic that has been quietly spreading across the globe, plaguing our cities, and placing our children in peril. Yes, you guessed correctly … bicycles being ridden without front tires.
The problem has gotten so bad that signs have been posted to warn unsuspecting riders. Here’s one in Portland, Oregon:
Cool Slinky stool
Actually it’s a chair… or a couch…. or a Slinky chair… yeah, that’s it. A Slinky Chair.
Whatever it is.. it looks cool. I’d buy one.
39 rules to live by
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.>
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Thanks Joe P
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