Here are just a few:
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Hell explained by chemistry student
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of the religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Thanks Donnie Mac
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day
There are 119 single men (i.e., never married, widowed or divorced) who are in their 20s for every 100 single women of the same ages.
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a cute tomato,
Will you peas to me belong?
You're the apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect pear.
Something's sure to turnip
To prove you can't be beet;
So, if you carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't squash my hopes and dreams,
Bee my honey, dear;
Or tears will fill potato's eyes,
While sweet corn lends an ear.
I'll cauliflower shop and say,
Your dreams are parsley mine.
I'll work and share my celery,
So be my valentine.
(There are 34 single men (i.e., never married, widowed or divorced) age 65 or older for every 100 single women of the same ages.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
...."You'll know tonight." he said.
....That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
....His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
...."But why?" asks the man.
...."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
via all the usual suspects
Quickies
What do you call an Amish man with his hand in a horse’s butt?
A mechanic.
I was told that cow tongue is a delicacy, but I have a hard time tasting something that is tasting me back.
Two cows are standing in a field. The first one asks “Aren’t you worried about this mad cow disease?” The second one responds “It doesn’t worry me, I’m a duck”.
It was so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Guy comes home, yells to his wife, “Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”
“Where are we going?” she asks. “
What do you mean ‘we’?” he says.
Dysfunction
"What do you for Erectile Dysfunction?" a man asked his friend.
...."Cialis," was the friend's reply.
...."Are those pills easy to swallow?" the first man asked.
...."Oh, you must have misunderstood me," the friend said. "I sneak away from my wife and go see Alice.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The internet is like a penis
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
What's the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident?
Turn off the ignition? NO
Get away from the car in case it explodes? NO
Call 911 on her cell phone? NO
Thanks Donnie Mac
Magic beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.”
Bump
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Mountain Sculpturing
An amazing set of photographs documenting the construction of the >>Crazy Horse Memorial<< - apparently the world's largest sculpture - located in the Black Hills of South Dakota. They capture the explosions used to sculpt the mountain into giant human form. Sometimes, the rock seems to turn to clouds of smoke or puffs of fire - animating the mountain with anthropomorphic human expression. Demolition is always underrated as a creative act.
Monday, February 12, 2007
You ain't nothin but a hound dog
St. Louis -- The phrase "walking the dog" took on a whole new meaning Sunday at the Barkus Pet Parade in Soulard.
There were the hot pink pants (with a built-in diaper, thank you), the leopard print fur coat, and the pink leotards — with ruffles.
An estimated 8,000 dogs, many adorned in tutus, sequins or beads, followed the afternoon parade route to Soulard Market, where judges crowned the five most festive canines.
Deserted Island
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blond woman, face up and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered, yes, she was alive.
One said the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long time. Do you think we should, ......you know, ... screw her?"
The second lawyer, asked, "Out of What?
Loking for a unique gift?
Lisa Nowak’s NASA Astronaut DIAPER left at a rest stop on I-10
Up for bid is ONE of only a small handful of historic news media frenzy memorabilia that we found “left behind” and that has come to be known as the Lisa Nowak NASA Astronaut DIAPER! It is clean and unused, and it can be YOURS if you are the lucky winning bidder.
What leader are you most like?
I’m sorry to say that these are my results:
I took the 18 question quiz (you can select the number of questions. Supposedly the more questions you select the more accurate the results.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Cute animation. 
Update: James Brown still above ground
According to a BBC News article:
…Judge Doyet Early said he would decide on the children's request next week.
He also ordered that no personal items be sold from Brown's home to pay off bills.
Brown, who was known for hits such as I Got You (I Feel Good) and Get Up (I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine), died on Christmas Day after being admitted to hospital with severe pneumonia.
Several memorial services were held, with both fans and celebrities paying tributes to the self-proclaimed Godfather Of Soul.
His body remains in a sealed, gold casket in an undisclosed location awaiting a decision on where to bury it.
Judge Early told the children, Ms Hynie and the trustees on Friday to not discuss burial plans with the media and to try to resolve the issue among themselves.
Cyriak's animation video
If you have 5 minutes to waste I suggest you waste them watching this. b3ta user Cyriak says a compilation of loads of my little bits and bobs set to one of my tunes. Strange, surreal and funny.
If ever a video would be Bits & Pieces, this is it. This guy is either very clever… or very warped… or a combination of both.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Smart or stoopid?
A short, quick, timed I.Q. test of sorts. The timer clock was kind of intimidating. Oh, the pressure!
My results:
Be careful where you snorkel
Man Accused of Shooting Snorkeler Says He Thought Man Was A Large Rat
Sixty-year-old William Roderick of Reedsport was arraigned Thursday in Douglas County Circuit Court on assault and other charges.
The victim, 44-year-old John Chessman, of Marcola, remains in serious condition at Oregon Health and Science University Hospital in Portland.
Roderick told detectives he saw what he believed to be a nutria swimming in the Smith River. Sheriff's spokesman Dwes Hutson says he grabbed a rifle and shot at the rodent from a deck overlooking the water.
After realizing that Chessman was not a nutria, Roderick helped pull him from the water.
Early jobs of famous people
Rod Stewart, the grave digger
Michael Dell, the dishwasher
Sean "Diddy" Combs: paperboy
Hitler, the postcard painter
Sylvester Stalone, the lion cage cleaner
Jerry Seinfeld, light bulb seller
Stephen King, the janitor (in girls locker room where he became inspired to write the novel “Carrie”)
What the power company doesn't want you to know
This is really interesting…. and amazing!
Candle Power - Who Needs Batteries? - video powered by Metacafe
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