Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The armpit
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed -- "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Foy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Money
But not a Home.
It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.
It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.
It can buy you a Book,
But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.
It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.
It can buy you Sex,
But not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE
UFO?
From the Coast to Coast radio program website:
The craft is almost completely silent and moves very smoothly. It usually moves slowly until it decides to take off. Then it moves VERY quickly and is out of sight in the blink of an eye. MORE THAN ANYTHING I simply want to understand what this is and why it is here?
We found your show with Google and I have listened for a few nights now. I have decided that if anyone can help me understand what this thing is, it is you and your audience. I must admit I am deeply unsettled by this thing. I have never seen anything like this in my life... Location: I would prefer not to say for now.
Vodka - Who knew?
Don't know if any of this is true or not, but worth reading! (I’ve added a few comments.)
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. Would licking the mildewed caulking hurt me?
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry. Wonder where the vomit stain came from to begin with. My guess is the vodka’s already in the carpet.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. Don’t forget your tongue.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. Only her bartender knows for sure.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them. What a way to go.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refresh- able ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. Why not just drink a half cup of vodka and cut out the middle man.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly andset in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. The pains you got from falling down the staird drunk.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. When done, squeeze out the remainder in a glass. You know what to do with it then.
12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. Even I won’t go there.
13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. So will pee, but I think I’d prefer vodka.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin. Gotta kill that itch somehow.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. Don’t forget to swallow.
And dumb old me- - - I've only been drinking the stuff.
Thanks Phyllis
Monday, May 07, 2007
Viva Las Vegas
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Benedictine monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Small world
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Advice from men to women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
10 things men know about women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have breasts
(I think number 10 should have been number 1, but I didn’t create the list so I left it as found.)
Back to the Future trivia
Michael J. Fox is only ten days younger than Lea Thompson, the actress who plays his mother, and is almost three years older than his on-screen dad, Crispin Glover.
- The device originally considered for use as the time travel machine was a refrigerator. Director Robert Zemeckis said in an interview that the idea was scrapped because he and Steven Spielberg did not want children to start climbing into refrigerators and getting trapped inside.
- According to the Universal Studios back lot tour, the clock tower is the same one that is seen in the movie To Kill a Mockingbird (1962). The area is referred to as Mockingbird Square, and it is a stone's throw away from other famous filming locations, such as the exterior of the Psycho (1960) house and the "Red Sea".
- Universal Pictures head Sid Sheinberg did not like the title "Back to the Future", insisting that nobody would see a movie with "future" in the title. In a memo to Robert Zemeckis, he said that the title should be changed to "Spaceman From Pluto", tying in with the Marty-as-alien jokes in the film, and also suggested further changes like replacing the "I'm Darth Vader from planet Vulcan" line with "I am a spaceman from Pluto!" Sid Sheinberg was persuaded to change his mind by a response memo from Steven Spielberg, which thanked him for sending a wonderful "joke memo", and that everyone got a kick out of it. Sid Sheinberg, too proud to admit he was serious, gave in to letting the film retain its title.
- There are only about 32 special effects shots in the entire film.
- John Lithgow and Jeff Goldblum were considered for the role of Doc Brown.
- The lion statues in front of the Lyon Estates subdivisions were inspired by two like statues in the University City Loop in St. Louis, where writer Bob Gale grew up.
More Back to the Futrure trivia
The Brazilian spider whose venom might boost your sex life
Their investigation follows reports that men bitten by the Phoneutria nigriventer experienced priapism - long and painful erections.
A two-year study has found that the venom contains a toxin, called Tx2-6, that causes erections.
The bite of Phoneutria nigriventer, known as the Brazilian wandering spider, is potent and can be deadly in some cases.
Further tests are being carried out in the US before the substance can be approved for human use.
I think I’ll pass.
Top 10 body hacks
From Lifehacker:
We geeks spend a lot of time tinkering with our PCs, but the greatest computer you'll ever use is your body. Today's Top 10 takes a break from circuits, software and chips to take a look at how to power use that hot bod of yours. You might be surprised what you can do as a bag of mostly water.
How to hack your senses, free your mind, cure common maladies and more in Lifehacker's Top 10 body hacks.1. Hold your breath longer
2. Cure warts with duct tape
3. Stop brain freeze with your tongue
4. Scratch your leg to make it to the loo
5. Power use your ears
6. Free your mind under a high ceiling
7. Think while you sleep
8. Cure hiccups with water
9. Whistle with two fingers
10. Tell if someone's lying
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Stolen car
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.
The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied.
About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"
86 rules of boozing
- 1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
- 2. Always toast before doing a shot.
- 3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
- 4. Change your toast at least once a month.
- 5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
- 6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
- 7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
- 8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
- 9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
- 10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
- 11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
- 12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
- 13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
- 14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
- 15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
- 16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
- 17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
- 18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
- 19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
- 20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
- 21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
- 22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
- 23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
- 24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
- 25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
- 26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
- 27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
- 28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
- 29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
- 30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
- 31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
- 32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
- 33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
- 34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
- 35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
- 36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
- 37. Try one new drink each week.
- 38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
- 39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
- 40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
- 41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
- 42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
- 43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
- 44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
- 45. It's okay to drink alone.
- 46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
- 47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
- 48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
- 49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
- 50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
- 51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
- 52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
- 53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
- 54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
- 55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- 56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
- 57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
- 58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
- 59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
- 60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
- 61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
- 62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
- 63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
- 64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
- 65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
- 66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
- 67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
- 68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
- 69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
- 70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
- 71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
- 72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
- 73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
- 74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
- 75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
- 76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
- 77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
- 78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
- 79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
- 80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
- 81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
- 82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
- 83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
- 84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
- 85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
- 86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
BREAKING NEWS
News networks try hard to be the first to report breaking news. Here’s a great example:
Breaking News: Something Happening In Haiti
Hilarious! This just really tickled me.
Cat's ass pencil sharpener
It's a cat, you stick your pencil in its ass, it meows, and it sharpens your pencil.
- The Cat's Ass Sharpener, no reading between the lines required.
- Sharpen your pencils and crayons manually using the cat's bum.
- Shavings will fall neatly into the cat's litter tray (included).
- A 'meowing' sound chip is activated as you sharpen.
- The cat is made of plastic.
- Suitable for ages 16 years+.
- Size: 15 x 12 x 4 cm.
No animals were harmed in the making of this product. Don't try sharpening your pencil in a real cat if you value your life. Or even if you don't come to think of it.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Top 10 blonde inventions
1. The waterproof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door.
4. A book on How to read
5. An inflatable dart board.
6. A dictionary index.
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal- powered wheel chair.
10. Water proof tea-bag.
30 strangest animal mating habits
Here are just few:
Honey Bee: Exploding Testicles: The reproductive cycle of bees is fascinating - and complex. But here’s the short story: a queen is selectively bred in a special "queen cell" in the hive and fed royal jelly by worker bees to induce her to become sexually mature.
A virgin queen that survives to adulthood without being killed by her rivals will take a mating flight with a dozen or so male drones (out of tens of thousands eligible bachelors in the colony). But don’t call these drones lucky because during mating, their genitals explode and snap off inside the queen!
Strange as it is, this actually makes evolutionary sense: the snapped-off penis acts as a genital plug to prevent other drones from fertilizing the queen. But tell that to the dead drone whose penis just exploded.
Hyena: The Females Got Balls! Female hyenas wear the pants in the family. They’re bigger and stronger than the males. And definitely much more aggressive. Heck, they even got balls. Really.
A female hyena has a pseudopenis, basically an enlarged clitoris, that they can erect at will. To mate, the meeker male has to insert his penis into her pseudopenis. That’s difficult for the males, but still nothing compared to the female having to give birth through a penis!
Dolphin: That’s Not His Hand. Here’s something you probably don’t know about Flipper: he has retractable penis. And if that’s not cool enough, here’s something else: his penis is prehensile. And it swivels. In fact, a male dolphin can use his penis to explore objects just like a hand.
Male dolphins also have a very strong sex drive. It can mate many, many times in a day. Now here’s the bad news: male dolphins aren’t that much of a stud. The average time to ejaculation? 12 seconds.
Another hushed-up fact is that male dolphins have a ravenous sexual appetite: they often try to hump inanimate objects and even other animals like sea turtles. When a pack of male dolphins happen upon a female, often times they will attempt to force her to mate.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
A moment in flight....
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Some wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name .
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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