The gay bar

   A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, and then he realizes it's a gay bar "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
 
   When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.  All I want is a drink."
 
   The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ' Just Do It.'
 
   That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
 
   The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
 
   So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left! who is sipping on a beer,   Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
 
   The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, Why Timex?" the man proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
 
   A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
 
   The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
 
   The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
 
   Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
 
   Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
 
   The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks "Why Secret?"
 
   The cowboy says, "Because it's ' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!

Thanks Mary

Car accident reports

Here are some funny statements that were put on accident insurance claims:

•  "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
•  "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
•  "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
•  "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
•  "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
•  "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
•  "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
•  "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

More

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A Cubs fan

A first grade teacher in Northern Illinois explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Cubs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Cubs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Cubs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Cardinal fan and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Cardinal fan?"

"Because my Mom is a Cardinal fan, and my dad is a Cardinal fan, so I'm a Cardinal fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Cardinal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Cubs fan."

Thanks Ronnie

If it's good enough for a biker, it's good enough for a walker

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I wonder what happened after this picture was taken...

Did the cat lunge for the bird and fall to one of it’s 9 deaths?
Did the cat have the bird for dinner?
Did the bird peck the cat’s eyes out?
Did the bird just fly away bored?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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One big ass turtle

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Changing clothes in the blink of an eye

How do magicians do it?

Don’t find out here.

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Low flying dog

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Mom gives birth to 14 pound premature baby

It's not often a new mom delivers a 14-pound baby. It's even harder to fathom when the child is born a month premature. But not-so-little Olivia Patrick-Womack of Manteca  California is living proof that not all good things come in small packages.

Olivia is still the talk of the maternity ward at Tracy Sutter Community Hospital where she was born March 22. Now, after 27 days in the San Joaquin General Hospital neo-natal unit, Olivia is finally home with her happy parents.

Womack said doctors decided to deliver the baby when it became clear her daughter was larger than the average delivery. "A week before we had her, the sonogram said she was going to be 11 pounds, nine ounces," Womack said. "The doctor said because she was so big already, they wanted to get her out." Womack said doctors estimated Olivia could have been as big as 16 pounds if she'd stayed for the complete nine months.

 

Read the story.

 

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Greetings from the interior

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Rooftop proposals

A different way to ask her to marry you.   Here and here.  (Second one is pretty hard to read.)

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11 year old girl gives birth in bathroom

A MAN aged 37 has been arrested after an 11-year-old girl gave birth to a baby boy.

He took the girl to a hospital where she complained of stomach pains.

She was given two paracetamol — but went into labour as she sat on the loo.

A source at Hillingdon Hospital, in Uxbridge, West London, said: “The whole episode was astonishing — she was only a child herself. The baby’s head had already popped out before the midwife got anywhere near her.”

Read the story

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Let's Make A Deal - Alabama style

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Teach / Learn optical illusion

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Woman, 74, Gets Revenge on Gator With Hose

This is just a hop, skip and jump away from my aunt’s house.  (Actually, across the bridge, so that means a long jump.)

FORT MYERS, Fla. - An elderly woman, who was bitten by an alligator while working in her backyard, beat back the reptile with a garden hose.

Constance Gittles, 74, of south Punta Gorda was watering plants Tuesday when a nearly 6-foot-long alligator bit her leg just above the ankle.

"I just whacked him right in the snout with the nozzle," she said. "After that, he took off," Gittles told the News-Press of Fort Myers.

Gittles received three puncture wounds and some smaller scrapes and abrasions from her confrontation with the alligator.

A trapper working with wildlife officials later caught the animal in a nearby pond. It will be killed and the hide and meat sold.

Link

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The Evolution of Dance!

I’ve seen this at several places in the last few days.  This is the first time I actually looked at it.  Very entertaining.

Evolution of dance

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Brokeback deputies

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof.  I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.  They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Thanks Joe P

Fuel / Wallet

I posted this last year, but it’s still relevant, so here it is again.

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Belly button lint

Some people gaze into their navel for inspiration: I look into mine and see navel fluff. Also known as navel lint, it is that fascinating fluffy substance that forms mysteriously in the belly buttons of special people.

I've been collecting navel fluff (just my own) since 1984, and upon learning of this, people usually ask "Why?". To this I answer "Why not?". In my mind, the worth of any collection depends on the following factors (in which my collection rates well):

• Uniqueness - millions of people collect stamps and coins, but as far as I know nobody else collects navel fluff. That makes my collection unique!

• Rarity - the navel fluff of Graham Barker is produced in very limited quantities by only one person and is not easily obtainable by others (not that anyone would want to).

• Completeness of collection - I've been collecting my navel fluff consistently for around 20 years and have seldom missed a day's harvest. This makes my collection almost complete, a bit like having the full set of a country's currency.

• Good condition of items - like uncirculated banknotes or stamps, my navel fluff is in mint condition. When harvested, I remove any body hair from the fluff then store it immediately in a jar, where it remains uncontaminated.

More info

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Politics is such a drag

       

Thanks Phyllis