Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex.
What is it?
A. Skinny dipping.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%.
Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.
Q. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
A. Banana.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A. Change their underwear.
Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.
Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey.
Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.
Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A. Wear underwear.
Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% carbon dioxide?
A. A fart.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Now you know...
Bizarre English Metaphors (and Similes)
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . . .
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef. - Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. - McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup. - The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN
"This just in, breaking news from Hell,
Ken Lay has just swindled Zarqawi out of his 72 virgins."
Cwazy wabbit
The very next day the rabbit returns. Before the butcher can tell the rabbit to leave, the rabbit asks: "Do you have any nails?"
"Er, no."
"In that case, do you have any lettuce?"
Interesting headlines
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER.
COLUMNIST GETS UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE WITH HIS PEERS.
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME FOR PROSTITUTION.
SOUTH DAKOTA GROUP TO SERVICE WIDOWS.
FLORIDA JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.
BUSH WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
20 YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTER.
YOGI B--SOMETIMES YOU CAN OBSERVE ALOT BY JUST WATCHING.
Marriage
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Aspirin
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
McDonald's Employment Application
This kid will go far. He should probably be on stage rather than flipping burgers.
This is an actual employment application that a 17–year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Here is part of the application:
Eating healthy at fast food restaurants
That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? But it is kind of possible with these handy nutritional guides for fast food restaurants.
From Dr. Gourmet:
I have created this list of selected items for you to use when you must eat out. The items listed fall generally under 400 calories or so and under 15 grams of fat, so if you are going to be stuck eating at such restaurants, this is a fairly good guideline. I've also included a printable version so that you can print it out and take it with you for reference.
Here is a list from McDonald's: (And from this I learned that a Chicken McGrill has more fat than a regular hamburger.) Interesting stuff here.
View more fast food nutrition tables.
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