Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Old couple at church
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do you think I should do?"
He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Three good arguments
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He could not get a fair trial.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all are three pieces of evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
Top ten amazing things you didn't know about animals
10. Crocodiles Swallow Stones for Swimming
9. Whale Milk Is Not On Low-Fat Diets – It’s 50% Fat
8. Birds Use Landmarks to Navigate Long Journeys – Maps?
7. For Beavers, Days Get Longer in Winter – They’re out from sun up to sundown.
6. Mole-Rats aren't Blind
5. Baby Chicks and Brotherhood – They tend to support one another
4. Many Fish Swap Sex Organs – (Sounds like a party to me)
3. Giraffes Compensate for Height with Unique Blood Flow
2. Elephants Do Forget, but They're Not Dumb – (Brain weighs 11 pounds.)
1. Parrot Talk More than Just Squawking – They’re smarter than you think
Frozen skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “OK, Get in the car with it.”
”Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm.”
”But what about the smell?”
”Just hold its little nose.”
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Thanks Phyllis
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
If the world was fair to guys.....
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the ass and a "thanks for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.
On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $20 off."
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.
"Sorry, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
"Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"
Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.
Vomiting after 20 beers would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.
When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone.
"Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman’s question of "Does my bum look big in this?"
Kids and Science
These are supposedly answers kids gave on science quizzes.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium co ntains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Undie surveillance
“Does my bomb look big in these pants?”
As part of the most shocking extension of Big Brother powers ever planned here, lenses in lampposts would snap “naked” pictures of passers-by to trap terror suspects.
Officials have agreed one solution would be to allow only women to monitor female subjects — although they admit this would be “very problematic” in crowds.
The memo says: “The social acceptability of routine intrusive detection measures and the operational response required in the event of an alarm are likely to be limiting factors.”
“Privacy is an issue because the machines see through clothing.”
Who Are They?
Under each pic is the year the photo was taken.
Click and drag between the < and > to view the names.
1969 < Willie Nelson >
1967 < Clint Eastwood >
1963 < Jack Nicholson >
1970 < Bill and Hillary >
1972 < Bob Dylan >
1968 < George W. Bush >
1972 < Michael Jackson >
1940 < Barbara Bush >
1969 < Robert DeNiro >
1970 < Candice Bergen >
1972 < Colin Powell >
1968 < Al Pacino >
1943 < J. F. K. >
Click and drag between the < and the > to reveal the name.
Click and drag between the < and the > to reveal the name.
50lb ice cube falls from sky and totals a Mustang
But it happened on
Neighbors woke up to something they never thought they’d see.
“Came out to find a large piece of ice sitting on the car, and ice all over the place,” said neighbor John Young.
The damaged car, a Ford Mustang, belongs to Carlos Javage’s son.
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