Sexual harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,  "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Thanks Gary

Internet porn for the blind

Some guy describes what he sees as he views porn on the internet.  

Porn for the Blind describes itself as a nonprofit organization dedicated to producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult web sites. This service is provided free of charge.

They only have three sites listed.

Obviously NSFW

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Got flood insurance?

Here is a map of the east coast showing the result of a 100 meter rise in the ocean due to a polar meltdown (global warming worst case scenario).

I’m not sure how valid the scenario is but it is interesting, that’s for sure.  Something to think about.

Link

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Teen unplugs 'noisy' life support machine

A teenager in intensive care unplugged his neighbour's life support machine because the noise was keeping him awake.

Frederik Moelner, 17, said he had been trying to sleep as he recovered from a car crash but the noise of the life support machine as it helped 76-year-old Hermann Berghof breathe kept waking him up.

A police spokesman from Landshut in southern Germany said: "He told us the noise was getting on his nerves and he thought this was the best way to make sure he got peace and quiet.

"Luckily the medical staff acted promptly and reconnected the life support machine. If there had been any delay the old man could have died."

Moelner is now being questioned by police.

Link

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Create a mosaic of any picture

“ If an image is worth a thousand words, an image mosaic is worth a million words.”

Upload a picture, any picture and the Image Mosaic Generator will create a mosaic made up of various random images.

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Awww crap

Obviously Photoshopped, but look at the expression on the dog’s face.  Priceless.

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How to super chill soda

Forget to put soda in the fridge and now all you have is warm can soda?   Using this method you can super chill your soda in just 2 minutes.  This is really cool.

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Cool shadowy Volkswagon commercial

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A far cry from Viet Nam....

The photographer who took this picture of Paris Hilton last week…..

… also took this Pulitzer Prize winning one back in 1972

Photographer Nick Ut is the man responsible for both pictures.  Read the story.

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My Father's Day present

 

My daughter gave me a Bits & Pieces T-shirt for Father’s Day.

Bowling celebration falls flat

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Walmart Wine

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams
University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can�t Believe It�s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante

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Morris

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you ?"

Morris replied, " Just doing what you said, Doc : Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, " I didn't say that. I said, :You've got a heart murmur, be careful !!' "

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Things a man should never do after the age of 30

Here are just a few from the list:

• 1. Use the word party as a verb.


• 6. Do impressions of Austin Powers characters, especially Dr. Evil.


• 9. Crash on a friend's floor or couch.


• 10. Refer to breasts as "chesticles."


• 12. Let your underpants show above your jeans or below your shorts.


• 19. Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.


• 34. Divide a restaurant bill with a friend in any way other than 50-50.


• 47. Fall asleep in public.


• 49. Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"

The complete list from Esquire Magazine

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The brain

(Posted under protest.  Read on.  You’ll understand.)

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pa!  y for t he brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.  After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" 
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward.  Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.  We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Thanks Joe P

Question: Who is this man?

He is one of the following:

A) German Ambassador to the United States?
B) Former rock and roll star?
C) Spokane, Washington serial killer?
D) Announced Presidential candidate in 08?
E) CEO of Haliburton?

I’ll post the answer tomorrow unless someone guesses correctly.

Update:   You got it!   It is Michael Nesmith of the Monkees. 
He does look a little more distinguished…except for the nose picking pictures.

Thanks for playing!

Thanks Mary

Animator vs Animation

This is cool.

Animator vs Animation

Thanks Paul & Bob

Happy Father's Day

    

 A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"}
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

13 Perfect Gifts for the Imperfect Dad

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

History Channel’s Father’s Day Special page

"Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father:  He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up and your mother sends you:  "Go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and he knows someone will be coming soon to stop him."   -- Bill Cosby

       

 One night a father overheard his son pray:
"Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is."
Later that night, the Father prayed,
"Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be."

 

 

An estimated $1 billion is spent each year in the United States for Father's Day gifts, but Dad is still paying the bill when it comes to telephone calls from the kids. Father's Day ranks #1 for the day that the most collect calls are made, according to AT&T. But dads receive far fewer greeting cards than moms. About 140 million moms receive cards for Mother's Day, compared to just 90 million dads getting Father's Day cards.

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

From all the usual suspects

Things I've learned as I've aged.....

Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this one on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

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Paris' new designer sunglasses

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