Look closely at the package.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Top Ten Things That Math and Sex Have in Common
10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
8. There are many joint results.
7. Both are prominent on college campuses, and are usually practiced indoors.
6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
5. Both involve long and hard problems, and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.
Little Leroy
Little Leroy's birthday was coming up quickly. Catching his mother making supper in the kitchen, he thought this would be a good time to tell her that he wanted a bicycle for his birthday. But little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. In fact, he had gotten into trouble only just yesterday, and had to be sent to his room. So, naturally, Leroy's mother asked him if he deserved to get a bicycle for his birthday. And Leroy, just as naturally, thought he did.
Leroy's mother suggested he reflect on his behavior over the past year, and then write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bicycle for his birthday. No problem, thought Leroy, and stomped up the stairs to his room to write God a letter:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy.
... Er, even Leroy quickly realized this was not at all true. Let's face it, he had not been a very good boy that year. So he tore up the first letter and started over:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy.
... Uhm, that was not so good either. Third try:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday,
Leroy.
But Leroy was honest enough with himself to realism that even this was not precisely truthful. Tearing it up, he wrote yet another letter:
Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy.
Oh, but that letter for sure was not going to get him his bicycle. Torn: God would know if he was being honest, but honesty was not going to earn him his bicycle. By now, Leroy was getting very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to the church. She agreed -- maybe her plan had worked? -- and told him just to be home in time for dinner.
So little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar: what do I do, what do I do, I really, really want that bicycle, but no way God is ever going to reward me. Suddenly -- a quick glance around, no one was watching -- he snatched up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under his shirt, and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, up into his room. Then he shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen to begin yet another letter to God:
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
Creation
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Wife vs husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
“Yep”, the wife replied, “in-laws”.
Think about this
It is short but interesting!
A toy company can out source to a Chinese sub-contractor and claim it's a free market.
A shoe company can produce its shoes in south east Asia and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh. We can purchase almost anything we want from 20 different countries.
BUT, heaven help the senior citizens who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy. That's called un-American! And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby? Think again!
Thanks Phyllis
Segway - The Next Generation?
Though it has no plans to manufacture and sell it, this is what the fine folks at Segway have been up to.
Intuitive user controls:
- Thumbs forward: The Centaur's forward and backward propulsion is easily controlled by pushing a thumb throttle located on the underside of the right-hand handlebar.
- Pop a wheelie: The Centaur uses dynamic stabilization technology to limit and/or maintain the angle at which the rider experiences the device. What would normally be a dangerous maneuver on a motorcycle or ATV becomes safe and controlled on the Centaur. In addition, the rider can position his/her body in three different ways, which makes for a fun ride. This technology also allows for a high-performance design with a short, compact wheelbase - a combination that traditionally can be very difficult to control.
- Lean forward, go forward: If you've haven't yet experienced the Segway HT, now is the time. If you have, you know what we mean by intuitive controls. Concept Centaur uses dynamic stabilization in a similar way. When on two wheels, the Centaur is controlled by how the rider shifts his or her weight. To go forward, lean forward. To go back, lean back.
- Simultaneous mechanical and drive-by-wire steering:
- Smart steering: The front two wheels turn left and right mechanically, which is made possible by an innovative linkage system designed by Segway engineers. The Centaur's advanced controls software also allows the rear wheels to turn at different rates in response to data received from the rider's steering direction. When on two wheels, steering is accomplished in the same manner, by turning the handlebar. Sensors in the vertical portion of the steering column monitor the rider's input and sends a signal to the controller boards, which then issue a command to drive either or both of the rear wheels. Turning rate is coordinated so that even with the wheels off the ground, Centaur follows the path defined by the front wheel angles. This allows smooth transitions between two-wheel and four-wheel operation.
- No exhaust: Batteries power the Centaur, which means that there are no emissions during operation. In addition, the Centaur uses regenerative braking, which means the batteries are recharged during deceleration and hill descents.
- Quiet: Electric motors and an innovative gearbox design result in a quiet ride.
- Low-impact tires: The Centaur prototypes use the same non-marking silica-based tires as the Segway HTs'. These tires are smooth, which allows the rider to perform exciting maneuvers while having little impact on the terrain.
- Distinctive design, elegant suspension:
- A profile X-shape: The profile of the Centaur creates an "X." Right after the Centaur was crowned a prince by the engineers, they quickly pulled in Segway's industrial design team to integrate their vision into the product's form and function. What resulted is a concept with a sleek minimalist design that elegantly showcases the rider, leaving the simple mechanical elegance of the underlying design visible.
- Three shocks: There are three shocks on the Centaur that absorb bumps and help the wheels maintain contact with the ground. There is one in each front "arm" and one in the rear.
- Lightweight: Concept Centaur only weighs about 150 pounds and can be easily transported in the back of a large SUV or small pick-up truck. If developed, its light weight would allow for transport on the back of small cars through a hitch-mounted rack, similar to that used for carrying bicycles.
- A profile X-shape: The profile of the Centaur creates an "X." Right after the Centaur was crowned a prince by the engineers, they quickly pulled in Segway's industrial design team to integrate their vision into the product's form and function. What resulted is a concept with a sleek minimalist design that elegantly showcases the rider, leaving the simple mechanical elegance of the underlying design visible.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
10 nasty money habits to break
The 25 Most Important Questions in the History of the Universe
- 1. What Makes No. 2 Pencils So Darn Special?
- 2. Who’s That AOL Guy Who Eerily Knows When You’ve Got Mail?
- 3. Where Does Nougat Come From?
- 4. Is There One Move That’s More Likely to Win a Game of Rock-Paper-Scissors?
- 5. Which Came First, the Can Opener or the Can?
- 6. How Does a Word Become a Curse Word?
- 7. Can a Pregnant Woman Drive in the Carpool Lane?
- 8. Why Do Battery Letters Skip from A to C? Was There Ever a B-Cell Battery?
- 9. What Does McDonald’s Have in Common with the CIA?
- 10. Why Does Hawaii Have Interstate Highways?
- 11. Why Do Most Snooze Buttons Only Give You Nine More Minutes of Sleep?
- 12. Why Do We Call Them Grandfather Clocks?
- 13. Was Turkey a Bird or a Country First?
- 14. How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?
- 15. We Know Nothing Better Has Come Along Since then, But Who Invented Sliced Bread Anyway?
- 16. Why Is It Called "Blackmail?"
- 17. Is It Possible to Own Property on the Moon?
- 18. Why Can’t You Tickle yourself?
- 19. Human Meat Isn’t Appetizing, But is It Healthy?
- 20. Can You Actually Sense Weather with an Injured body Part?
- 21. Why Won’t Pineapple and Jell-O® Be Friends?
- 22. What are Sea-Monkeys®, Anyway?
- 23. How Many Pounds of Chimpanzee are Needed to Defeat the Average Human?
- 24. Why are Grape-Nuts® Neither Grapes Nor Nuts?
25. How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?
Believe it or not, the answers to these questions are here.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Great Dane
A man was out walking his dog. It was a huge brindle colored Great Dane. The man got thirsty and decided to stop at his favorite watering hole for an ice cold refreshing beverage. So he tied up his dog and went inside.
While the man was sitting at the bar sipping a cold one, another man came running into the bar, obviously excited. The second man asked, "Whose Great Dane is that outside?"
The first man said, "He's mine."
The second guy, terribly distraught, said, "I think my chihuahua just killed your dog."
The first man thinking there had been a mistake, said, "My dog is a huge Great Dane. How could your little chihuahua kill my dog?"
The second man said, "It got stuck in his throat."
Charity
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
"...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... "
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Visiting Grandma
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING SO FAST..
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Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
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If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
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To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
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If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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Illiterate? Write For Help.
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Honk If Anything Falls Off.
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Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
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I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
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I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
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Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
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Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
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Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?
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Ax Me About Ebonics.
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Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
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Boldly Going Nowhere.
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Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
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Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
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Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
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How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
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GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
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All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
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WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
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Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: " NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. "
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Thanks Phyllis
A farmer named Clyde...
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
“Now what the hell would you say?"It's so hot....
- The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
- The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
- The cows are giving evaporated milk.
- The trees are whistling for the dogs.
- You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
- You can say 113 degrees (45°C) without fainting.
- You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
- Or go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on your lap -- just to cool off!
- You can make instant sun tea.
- You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
- The temperature drops below 95 (35°C), you feel a bit chilly.
- You have experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
- You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
- The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
- You discover that in July, it takes only two fingers to drive your car.
- You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
- Hot water now comes out of both taps.
- It is noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
- Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
- You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
- They don't bother making themometers that go below 70 degrees.
Stormy weather
It seems to rain here every afternoon and/or evening. This is a view of a fishing pier on the Peace River from the Port Charlotte Florida side. On the other side of the river is Punta Gorda Florida. I was trying to catch some lightning in the picture but wasn’t able to. We got a pretty good rain yesterday…and it’s thundering now. The days have been sunny and warm. Not as much humidity as back in St. Louis. My aunt lives in a mobile home park on the Peace River.
It was two years ago the 13th of next month (August) that hurricane Charley struck this area. I can still see buildings that were heavily damaged by Charley. I’m assuming that the owners didn’t have insurance as the reason they haven’t be rebuilt or torn down.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Off to Florida
I’m off to Florida for a few days to visit my aunt who’s in the hospital there. Will try to post while there. Should be back Saturday.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Happy birthday to me
Today is my forty-eighteenth birthday.
This is a “professionally made” birthday cake I received a couple of years ago…. OK, a FEW years ago now.
It was ordered from Dairy Queen, and when my daughter went to pick it up for the party, she cried. When I saw it I just laughed. I thought she had tried to make it as bad as she could.
It was so bad that it was good.
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I didn’t know it was anything other than a spreadsheet.
A. To keep the pilot cool. 
