That's our story and we're sticking to it.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Robbery victim superglued to exercise bike
The man was hijacked at gunpoint in a wealthy suburb of Johannesburg and forced to lead the thieves to his home in another area, a spokesman for the emergency services told the SAPA news agency.
He was forced to strip before being superglued to the seat of his exercise bicycle. His hands and feet were also glued and his mouth sealed shut, the spokesman said.
Gateway Arch escape hatch?
As you can see from this picture from Microsoft Live Search, there are a couple of escape hatches atop the 630 foot Gateway Arch in downtown St. Louis MO. But, where would you escape too? Could it be access to a giant slide to the ground… and surely your death? No. Actually there is a beacon on top of the Arch that needs to be changed every so often and that is what the doors are for. Not sure why there are two of them. Maybe they’re ventilation units.
Grandpa's pill
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.
I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Thanks Rich
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Warning to all grandpas
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts."
90% Chance of 6-7 Point Earthquake in US Midwest in the Next 50 Years
Yikes, that’s my neighborhood!
Scientists have finally figured out what might have caused a series of devastating earthquakes that struck the Midwest nearly 200 years ago at a set of faults that has confused geologists for a long time.
And the results suggest the region, still seismically active today, is going to keep shaking for a long time, and another big one will hit on the same 500-year cycle that has rocked the Heartland for as far back as records, legends and memory serve.
The largest of three or four big seismic events that stretched from December 1811 to February 1812 is called the New Madrid Earthquake and had an estimated 8.0 magnitude, strong enough to cause the nearby Mississippi River to temporarily flow backward. Its epicenter was in the town of New Madrid in southeast Missouri, near the Kentucky and Tennessee state lines. Hundreds of aftershocks followed for several years.
The damage from the New Madrid quake was bad enough in the early 19th century—half of the town was destroyed, but with many more people and buildings now in the area, a similar event in the region today would be devastating, seismologists and engineers agree.
The seismic zone today generates about 200 tiny quakes annually, but it also let loose a magnitude 4.1 quake in February 2005 and a magnitude 4.0 quake in June 2005. The U.S. Geological Survey says there is a 9-in-10 chance of a magnitude 6 or 7 temblor occurring in this area within the next 50 years.
Tick Warning
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Thanks Mickie
Thought for the day
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
Thanks Rich
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Service
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
Psychiatrist wannabes
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters." said the professor to the student from University of Tennessee, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness'" said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from University of Memphis.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from University of Arkansas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
The pessimists mug
Fortunately, we've created a solution. Despair, Inc. is proud to introduce The Pessimist's Mug? Specifically engineered by the chronically cynical pessimists of Despair Laboratories?, this crystal-clear mug will help all who drink from it to Stay Grounded? by forever reminding them to see when the glass is half-empty.
How healthy are you?
I took the 11 question test and scored 180, which is a B. Not too bad, but always room for improvement.
Rolling Stone’s Top 25 Songs With a Secret
Here are just a few:
- “Louie Louie” – The Kingsmen: Though the song was originally written by Richard Berry, the Kingsmen’s version was a huge hit and inspired an equally huge controversy when rumors spread the virtually inaudible lyrics were super dirty. The FBI even investigated the potentially un-American nastiness of the song’s message (their theories on what they lyrics say are hysterical) but ultimately it was concluded that the song was not bound to defile an entire generation of young minds.
- “Lola” – The Kinks: Thought to be about a beautiful woman, actually inspired by an incident in which Kinks’ manager Robert Wace spent a drunken night dancing with a transvestite he mistook for a woman.
- “Please Please Me” – The Beatles: Thought to be a cute little teenage love song, is actually about oral sex.
- “Hey Jude” – The Beatles: Some suspect the song is about taking heroin, it was actually written by Paul McCartney for John’s son Julian.
10 signs you might be a blog addict
Blogs exist on just about every variety of subject one can imagine. And more and more blogs come online each and every day. But what does it take to really have an active blog that people will subscribe to and come back again and again to read? It requires creativity. It requires dedication. Even more so, it requires an addiction to the act of blogging itself.
How about you? Are you a blog addict? Here are ten signs that may indicate that you have an addiction:
- Bloglines, Google Reader or some other RSS reader is constantly open on your computer's desktop.
- You tell customers that you missed a project deadline because "some things" came up but in reality, you were blogging.
- You periodically dream that you are blogging.
- You get inspiration for new blog posts at the strangest times - in the Jacuzzi, sitting on the toilet, during marital activities (cough, cough)... you get the picture.
- Before blogs, you used to tuck the kids into bed at night. Now you check for unapproved blog comments before heading to bed yourself.
- In order for your family to keep up with what's going on in your life, they have to read your blog. Furthermore, if they want to communicate with you, they have to comment on your blog.
- You have actually considered setting up a blog for your pet of which you would post the entries pretending you are your pet (weirdo).
- You can't remember dates for your wedding anniversary, kids birthdays, etc., but you know what your Technorati rank is.
- You blog about anything and everything including bad meals, your pets, getting your car stuck in snow, conversations you have in the bathroom, etc.
- Keeping a blog is no longer enough but you now have to record your every move on Twitter.
Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care?
Thanks Joe P
The meaning of "A H"
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer? "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes, Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."
Thanks Mary
Monday, April 30, 2007
Ambition
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf, enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
Came a businessman walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You are not going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman. "You should be working, rather than just lying on the beach."
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled, and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish," was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
"You will make money and be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish."
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and then you can hire some people to work for you!" he said, a little sharply.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
Furious, the businessman shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand? You can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
Still smiling, the fisherman looked up and said, "And what do you think I am doing right now?"
How to pass a field sobriety test
View of Earth from Saturn
This beautiful image of Saturn and its rings looks more like an artist’s creation than a real image, but in fact, the image is a composite (layered image) made from 165 images taken by the wide-angle camera on the Cassini spacecraft over nearly three hours on September 15, 2006.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Another Cardinal pitcher dies
There was quite a bit of flack locally because St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke stepped down from his post on the Board of Cardinal Glennon because Sheryl Crow was one of the perfomers. Miss Crow supports abortion rights and stem cell research. Billy Crystal also performed at the event.
It was five years ago when another Cardinal pitcher, Daryl Kyle, died suddenly in his hotel room in Chicago during another series with the Cubs.
Tonights game, schedules for 7:05 (CST) was postponed. It was supposed to be on ESPN.
More on the accident Photo by Owl from last falls World Series Victory Parade
The license
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Everything but...
A man walks into a restaurant and asks to see a menu.
The waiter says, "No need, Sir, we can get you anything you want."
So the man says sarcastically, mocking the waiter, "Very well, then I'd like a gorilla sandwich, please!"
The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I cannot get you that."
The man laughs and says, "I thought you could get me anything?!"
Says the waiter,"I'm sorry, we've run out of bread!"
Smoke signals
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
A few days after his death, the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Okay, dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he is calling from?"
Snot sucker
Place the large tube at the child's nostril and the red part at the other end in your own mouth. Apply gentle suction to begin with, increasing suction as necessary until you see mucous in the large tube. The filter will protect you from getting anything near your own mouth.
Laws of life
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner, even if it is square.
Law of Visual Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee Temperature: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the cost of the carpet.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are!
Thanks Donnie Mac
Some parents get all the cool kids
Never lose your cell phone
Trouble at airport security
This guy can lick his own ears
Thanks Donnie Mac
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Today is special... Just like you
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, eat paint chips, take the short bus or occasionally crap yourself...You hang in there sunshine, you're special!
(I know it’s bad, but it just made me laugh.)
It's deer, dear
A man kills a deer and takes it home, where his wife cooks it for dinner.
When their little daughter sees the unfamiliar meat, she asks her father what it is.
"Well", says dad, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
"Don't eat it!" the little girl screams, "It's an asshole!”
Jack Bauer jokes
The entire defense budget of the USA is used to keep Jack Bauer in supply of cell phone batteries
Jack Bauer once bit a zombie It turned into Tony Almeida
Jack Bauer shot Helen Keller in the knee to make her talk
When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down
Jack Bauer has been to Mars Thats why theres no life on Mars
This one time at band camp Jack Bauer killed a 6 year old terrorist
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.
Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testicles contest." He beat them both by a combined total of 46.
Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth
Gas prices go up during a crisis because the government needs to pay for Jack Bauer's cell phone bill
Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer because they're afraid to
The reason it is forbidden to show Muhammad’s face is because they don’t want Jack Bauer to recognize him
If Jack Bauer was on Brokeback Mountain, there would be no gay cowboys, just dead ones
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.
Terrorists go to prison for protection from Jack Bauer. It rarely actually works.
Every time you blink Jack Bauer kills a terrorist, not because you blinked, but because that how many terrorists he kills.
When Jack Bauer plays Deal or No Deal, the banker ALWAYS offers him a million dollars.
Dr. Phil holds a therapy session...
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
Sick
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my father-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my mother-in-law. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm boinking her."
The boss says, "You boink your mother-in-law?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
Bar-B-Que in a briefcase
This is cool.
This Carry and Go BBQ solves your problems in the grill department. When folded up, it's shaped like a briefcase, making toting it to the in-laws' place a breeze. That way when you get there you can guarantee that you can hang out on the porch flipping burgers, hiding from the people inside and avoiding uncomfortable stress and awkward situations. See, a portable grill might just save your marriage! Grilling, it's a powerful thing.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Marilyn Monroe or Albert Einstein
It's from an article on hybrid images in New Scientist magazine (subscription required).
Sopranos High Octane
My, how much gas prices have skyrocketed since the Sopranos began. So much for the theory that the Iraq war was fought to get cheap gas.
One last request...
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money.
Just before he died, he asked his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." He got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
One day he died and was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When the ceremony was over the undertakers got ready to close the casket. The wife said, "Wait just a minute!" I have something to put it in the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Judy, You didn’t put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian and I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.
You mean to tell me you did put that money in the casket with him!
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.”
If he can cash it, he can spend it.
The test
An oldie but a goodie:
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Peaches
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches? "
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,"Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
