The Top 14 Things Not to Do While Drinking

14> Trim your ear hair with a steak knife.

13> Teach Junior the value of a dollar -- by tying it to a string and heading for the titty bar.

12> Walk naked on stilts through a crocodile-infested swamp.

11> Hit the cages down the road for some batting practice. Those are monkey cages, Chief, and what Chim Chim is  pitching isn't a baseball.

10> Get married. (You listening, Britney?)

 9> Competitive sushi-eating.

 8> Re-design your business cards to include the number for Slammer's Beach Bar.

 7> Keep playing Three-Card Monte until you find that damn ace of spades.

 6> Announce to your father-in-law that after much research, you've concluded your wife's good-in-bed gene must have come from him.

 5> Paint your living room to match the mysterious lesions on your ass.

 4> Go to a beekeeper's pinata party.

 3> Star Jones.

 2> Tell the Judiciary Committee how you would rule on Roe v Wade.

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Not to Do While Drinking...

 1> Phone your mother. The booty-call reflex is powerful and unpredictable.

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OK...I'm a die-hard Cardinals fan...but this might be a stretch (pun intended)

Thanks Danny Mac

Creative domain names

In case your coffee didn't do the trick, I offer some Monday morning humor to get you going. These are courtesy of one of my favorite sites on the Web, myth-busting snopes.com.

Real companies, unfortunate domain names:

• Pen Island - penisland.com
• Amgen Italia - amgenitalia.com
• Who Represents - whorepresents.com
• Experts Exchange - expertsexchange.com
• Mole Station Nursery - molestationnursery.com

All are work safe.

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More magazine faces

Some more here.

Funny mail boxes

More funny mail boxes.

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - -   scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z.  Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Thanks Mike

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Fished out

Me going for my limit (I did not succeed).

My son Dave, adjusting his Super Duper spinner near the dam.

Plenty of fishing, drinking and eating from the dozen and a half present.

 

Gone fishing

Headed off to Bennett Springs State Park for some trout fishing, beer drinking, good eating, story telling, card playing, etc, etc, etc.

My friend Deadeye Don from last year’s trip.

I’ll resume posting Sunday night or Monday.  Y’all be careful out there.  — Jon

We don't need no stinking cooler!

Understanding computer technology

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Interesting

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Ummmm...

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Take me out to the ball game....

Let’s try to think positive….. maybe he’s blind.

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Man eats 19 grilled cheeses in 10 minutes

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- Ed "Cookie" Jarvis of Long Island, N.Y., clearly won the grilled cheese-eating championship at the Arkansas State Fair on Saturday, stuffing down 19 sandwiches in the 10-minute contest.

Patrick Philbin of Moonachie, N.J., came in second, scarfing down a sandwich-and-a-half less than champion Jarvis. But third place was too close to call. Two contestants consumed 10 grilled cheeses in the 10 minutes allowed, and the judges had to call for a one-minute runoff. With 11 1/2 sandwiches in his belly, Michael Finnell of Sherwood, Ark., was declared the third-place winner.

All six contestants finished without getting sick, said Michael Castellano of the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

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Now that's what I call a keyboard

 

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Just in time for Halloween

Make your own head-in-a-jar.  It’s not as hard as it sounds.  Here are the instructions.

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In search of camel toads

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It's no wonder people hate lawyers.....

As a small business owner I recently found out that I am party to a class action lawsuit against Visa and MasterCard.  They were accused of somehow forcing merchants to accept debit signature cards.  Visa and MasterCard were also accused of trying to monopolize the debit card business in the U.S..

Anyway, they settled the lawsuit, agreeing to pay $3.05 billion (YES – BILLION).  This money would be distributed to merchants after attorney’s fees, expenses, etc.

Cool, I thought.  “I'm in the money….”,  I sang to myself.   A share of $3.05 BILLION bucks!  Life doesn’t get much better than this!  It's like winning the Powerball Jackpot…. TWICE!  Heck – ten times!

I received a six page document explaining the lawsuit and how to fill out the additional six page claim form.    Of course I have to research my records for my credit card and debit card sales from October 25, 1992 through July 31, 2003, but hey, “I’m in the money…..” 

Well, lo and behold……. the claim form has a section where it tells me approximately how much of that $3.05 BILLION I can expect to receive as my share of the settlement. Well, what to my surprise did appear in the little box on the form:

$1  –  ONE FRIGGING DOLLAR!   Maybe it was a mistake.  Maybe it was supposed to say $1 Billion … or $1 Million… or even $1 Thousand…… or could it be just $1 Hundred?  NO, it’s $1 (One Dollar).

I had to look at the first document where it says the settlement is $3.05 BILLION… then I read the fine print…… “after the attorney’s fees, expenses and costs of notice and administration…”.  That explained a lot to me.

To see if they could piss me off any more, they sent me a return envelope with no stamp on it.  So I have to decide… do I spend the time researching 11 years of sales and the time to fill out a six page claim form so I can get my just reward:  $1… minus the 37 cent stamp to mail it… leaving me with a net of $0.63?  I have some decisions to make.

I can now understand the following statement a little better:

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Stuck in the middle with you......

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Uh oh

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