14> Trim your ear hair with a steak knife.
13> Teach Junior the value of a dollar -- by tying it to a string and heading for the titty bar.
12> Walk naked on stilts through a crocodile-infested swamp.
11> Hit the cages down the road for some batting practice. Those are monkey cages, Chief, and what Chim Chim is pitching isn't a baseball.
10> Get married. (You listening, Britney?)
9> Competitive sushi-eating.
8> Re-design your business cards to include the number for Slammer's Beach Bar.
7> Keep playing Three-Card Monte until you find that damn ace of spades.
6> Announce to your father-in-law that after much research, you've concluded your wife's good-in-bed gene must have come from him.
5> Paint your living room to match the mysterious lesions on your ass.
4> Go to a beekeeper's pinata party.
3> Star Jones.
2> Tell the Judiciary Committee how you would rule on Roe v Wade.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Not to Do While Drinking...
1> Phone your mother. The booty-call reflex is powerful and unpredictable.
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