Friday, April 27, 2007
Hotdoll - The sex doll for dogs
25 things women don't know....
Women think they already know everything, but wait…training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
- 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
- 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
- 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
- 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
- 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
- 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
- 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
- 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
- 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
- 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
- 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
- 12. Introduction to Parking
- 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
- 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
- 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
- 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
- 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
- 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
- 19. PMS: Your Problem…Not His
- 20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
- 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
- 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
- 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
- 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
- 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
I know these are stereotypes of women, but most of the women I know are just the opposite. As a matter of fact if I fell into this stack of facts a lot of them would stick to me. (Did I just admit that?)
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Aircraft crash
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photograph at right was taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
Interesting statistic
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
Thanks Joe P
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Who "roided" it up better.... Big Mac or Bonds?
Let's assume that Barry Bonds uses/used steroids. Let's assume the same thing about Mark McGwire. Nothing too controversial about either assumption, right? Right. But it's sure fun.
The two of us both think that the above assumptions are true. But we were wondering: who did it better? Was it Bonds and his 73 bombs in 2001, and 711 (and counting!) for his career? Or was he behind the times? Did McGwire -- first to hit 70, three consecutive years of 50+ -- do it better?
We couldn't decide on numbers alone. It was too close to call. So, we went to the cardboard. We took a look at their baseball cards from 1987 through 2002 and commented along the way.
From this
to this
This is a test....
This is a test of the Google Adsense marketing program. I’m running a trial of ads from Google. Of course I expect to get rich by doing this. Then I’ll be able to retire from my regular job and search the web for more fun – just for you. I hope it’s not too distracting for my readers.
Had this been an actual ad you’d have been enticed to click on it’s link and be swept away by the magic of advertising.
This concludes this notice of the test for Google Adsense. Now back to our regular blogcasting.
A blind man and his dog
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Real teachers
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Costco.
Real teachers will eat anything left in the teachers' lounge.
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks. Grading in church is permissible.
Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
Real teachers cheer when they learn that April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will appear at an open house.
Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a valentine.
Important police message for men!
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam; after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here: (do watch it.)
Flying motorcycle
This is so cool.
The Super Sky Cycle – brainchild of former US test pilot Larry Neal – has fold-away rotor blades and can land in a 6m (20ft) space.
The contraption reaches up to 55mph by road – but those wanting to feel the air in their face can take off to reach 100mph in the air.
It’s only $37,195 plus shipping
Gatorade Destroys Your Teeth Faster than Coke
Every five hours, the researchers refreshed the beverages. After 25 hours, they examined the teeth with a microscope. All of the beverages eroded the bare spots on the teeth. But different beverages had significantly different effects.
On the enamel, Gatorade was significantly more corrosive than Red Bull and Coke. Red Bull and Coke, in turn, were significantly more corrosive than Diet Coke and apple juice.
Foods named after people
Here are a few examples:
- Fettuccine Alfredo – Alfredo di Lelio, an early-20th century Italian chef who invented the dish for his wife in 1914–1920 at his Roman restaurant and popularized it among tourists.
- Caesar salad – Caesar Cardini (1896–1956) or one of his associates created this salad at the restaurant of the Hotel Caesar in Tijuana.
- Cobb Salad – Robert H. Cobb, owner of the Hollywood Brown Derby restaurant, who is said to have invented the salad as a late-night snack for himself in 1936–1937.
- Graham crackers, Graham flour – Sylvester Graham, 19th-century American Presbyterian minister and proponent of a puritan lifestyle based on teetotalling, vegetarianism, and whole wheat.
- Heath bar – the American "English toffee" bar is named for brothers Bayard and Everett Heath, Illinois confectioners who developed it in the 1920s and eventually turned the local favorite into a nationally popular candy bar.
- Kaiser rolls – originally, rolls made by a Viennese baker in about 1487 for Emperor Frederick V, whose profile was stamped on top.
- Margarita – there are many claims for the name of this tequila/lime/orange liqueur cocktail. Dallas socialite Margarita Samas said she invented it in 1948 for one of her Acapulco parties. Enrique Bastate Gutierrez claimed he invented it in Tijuana in the 1940s for Rita Hayworth. Hayworth's real name was Margarita Cansino, and another story connects the drink to her during an earlier time when she was dancing in Tijuana nightclubs under that name. Carlos Herrera said he created and named the cocktail in his Tijuana restaurant in 1938–1939 for Marjorie King. Ms. King was reportedly allergic to all alcohol except tequila, and had asked for something besides a straight shot. Around this same general time period, Nevada bartender Red Hinton said he'd named the cocktail after his girlfriend Margarita Mendez. Other stories exist.
- Mary Janes – peanut butter and molasses candy bars developed by Charles N. Miller in 1914, and named after his favorite aunt.
- Reuben sandwich – possibly Arnold Reuben, a New York restaurateur (1883–1970), created and named it c. 1914, or Reuben Kolakofsky (1874–1960) c. 1925 may have made it for a poker group gathered at his Omaha, Nebraska grocery.
- Baby Ruth candy bar – most likely, Babe Ruth (1895–1948) was the inspiration for the name. Although the Curtiss Candy Co. has insisted from the beginning that the candy bar was named after a daughter of Grover Cleveland, Ruth Cleveland died in 1904 at the age of 12, while the Baby Ruth was introduced in 1921 right at a time when George Herman Ruth, Jr. had become a baseball superstar. It is interesting to note that very early versions of the wrapper offer a baseball glove for 79 cents. Babe Ruth's announced intent to sue the company is probably what drove and perpetuated the dubious cover story.
- Salisbury steak – Dr. James H. Salisbury (1823–1905), early U.S. health food advocate, created this dish and advised his patients to eat it three times a day, while limiting their intake of "poisonous" vegetables and starches.
- Sandwich – John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich (1718–1792) did not invent the sandwich. Meat between slices of bread had been eaten long before him. But as the often-repeated story goes, his title name was applied to it c. 1762, after he frequently called for the easily-handled food while entertaining friends. Their card games then were not interrupted by the need for forks and such.
- Tootsie Rolls – Clara "Tootsie" Hirshfield, the small daughter of Leo Hirshfield, developer of the first paper-wrapped penny candy, in New York, 1896.
The ant and the grasshopper
OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building g his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant' s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
Thanks Paul
Talking dog
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their ;most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had& nbsp;a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Thanks Paul and Alan
Monday, April 23, 2007
Go fly a kite
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Doing Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb..
An elderly pair
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."
"Well, then," she replies. "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how's your sex life?"
"Infrequently." he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, "And is that one word or two?"
Thanks Rich
Thirrd man to ever walk on water
First there was Jesus Christ…
Then there was Peter the Apostle…
And then this guy, Jose…. But it looks more like running than walking.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
R.S.V.P.
Top scientists were invited to a party, and this is how they replied (warning! only avid science students will understand every reference):
* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
* Audobon said he'd have to wing it.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin waited to see what evolved.
* Descartes said he'd think about it.
* Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
* Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
* Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
* Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
* Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
* Newton planned to drop in.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
* Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
* Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
* Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.
* Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Terminology
To: All Personnel
Prince George's County Division of Fire and RescueRe: Terminology
It has come to my attention that when a fire hose becomes worn and develops a fuzz on it, some personnel have been referring to this as "nappy-headed hose". This practice will cease immediately.
Signed,Lawrence H. Sedgwick, Jr.
Fire Chief
How to win at Monopoly
Try to own at least three railroads
Don't be afraid to mortgage early to accomplish your strategic goals
Stick someone else with the greens, if you can.
Be brutal!
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