Saturday, October 29, 2005
Elmo busted for soliciting in Hollywood
LOS ANGELES -- The red and cuddly Sesame Street Muppet Elmo has learned a new lesson: 'H' is for handcuffs.
The impersonators said they were taken into custody at gunpoint, handcuffed and paraded on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before stunned tourists and other impersonators. They were charged with misdemeanor "aggressive begging," police said.
Proper elbow etiquette
There is an extremely serious design issue that continues to plague the travelers of the world. I estimate that this problem has existed for centuries — or at least since the invention of the armrest.
We often find ourselves sitting next to people. People we don’t even know. Be it a bus, a train, a movie theater, or any public place where seats are placed side-by-side. The “situation” I’m about to discuss becomes especially relevant on an airplane, where space is scarce, and sitting is a mandatory position for any number of hours.
It’s about sharing. Something that the world has shown little interest in. It’s also about the armrest, and how it’s precious few inches of solid existence can be a war zone — a battle between two elbows jockeying for position.
Just one of the possible solutions.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Find out how and when you'll die
When will the Grim Reaper come for you?
All you have to do is answer a few questions.
Gateway Arch turns 40 today
The Gateway Arch in St. Louis MO is 630 feet high and 630 feet wide. Construction on the Arch began in 1963 and was completed on October 28, 1965 at a total cost of less than $15 million. The Arch is part of the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial.
You can ride in a tram from beneath the Arch to the top for a spectacular view of the city of St. Louis and the surrounding area including the state of Illinois to the east.
As seem from old Busch Stadium which is being torn down right now to make way for the new Busch Stadium. And a unique view on a very low cloud day.
Early during the construction
A ticket to ride up into the Arch in 1965.
A pin given to the some of the first riders.
Top 10 smart foods
Crossword puzzles alone won’t save your brain and protect it from aging, though they will help. So will the right foods. Some edibles are especially good at protecting the brain’s delicate nerve cells and blood vessels from the damage that accompanies aging. Most of them squelch free radicals, the renegade oxygen molecules spun off as the brain goes about the business of the mind. Most of the foods that are smartest for the brain are also good for the heart because both rely on a steady oxygen supply. The risks for cardiovascular disease correlate with risks for cognitive decline.
Thanks Faye
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Don't swallow your gum
Several weeks ago, I purchased a fairly large quantity of Dubble Bubble for my daughter's gum ball machine. The amount of gum I acquired was directly proportional to my own developed taste for the product, since it resembled crack cocaine in addictiveness. After originally buying the pre-filled gum ball machine, I'd proceeded to consume almost the entire contents in just a few short days, and thought I'd better stock up on the stuff if I was to maintain a positive relationship with my young child.
Unfortunately, much like Al Pacino in "Scarface," when confronted with such a sizeable amount of pseudo-cocaine, I attacked it with relish. I practically lived off bubble gum for several days. I couldn't get enough. I ate six, seven, sometimes eight small globes at a time in an attempt to find the perfect mix of synthetic flavors. I studied the texture of chewed gum by placing the most perfect tooth and fingerprint impressions ever taken outside of a crime lab. I watched with fascination as I created drab shades of gray from the most myriad selection of brightly colored items. I was almost a scientist of bubble gum by the end of those few days, you see. And each experiment became yet another lump lying heavy on my stomach.
Alas, I was destined for trouble. After consuming such a vast quantity of bubble gum, certain bodily processes started to become strange. My bowel movements rotated from frequent to nearly constipated for several days. For the life of me, I couldn't predict at what point the need to crap would attack. When I did plop down to plop, both the defecation process and the subsequent wiping would seem almost... Sticky.
This went on for another day or two. It was only then that an event occurred that would change my philosophy on gum swallowing forever. Perhaps the bolus of evil had lodged itself in my colon somewhere just as my mother claimed it would, or perhaps the passing of such hideousness naturally requires an extended length of time; I fear I will never know the answer. All I know is that during an otherwise perfectly normal evening of watching television and reading a book, the cramps began.
Read the Confessions of a Gum Swallower story.
Top 27 unbelievable facts that most people don't know
Here are some of them:
- 27. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- 26. The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.
- 25. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
- 21. The US national anthem actually has three verses, but everyone just knows the first one.
- 19. The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.
- 17. Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now, than before you finished reading this.
- 15. The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the number of all the people that have died. Ever.
- 14. The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year.
- 12. Men can breastfeed babies
- 8. Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860.
- 7. A German World War II submarine was sunk due to malfunction of the toilet.
- 3. 9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. This isn’t true; Joseph Swan did.
Is Condi possessed?
Or so USA Today would have you believe. They doctored a photo of Secretary of State Condolezza Rice into this. See the original photo and read more here.
Top 13 earning dead celebrities
They're famous across the globe. Their work is treasured by millions. And they're rolling in cash--they just can't spend any of it.
The 13 members of Forbes Magazine’s annual Highest-Earning Dead Celebrities list brought in a collective $186 million in the last year. They, or more accurately, their estates, earned that money by selling their work--both written and recorded--or just the rights to use their likenesses on T-shirts, posters or in advertisements. Sometimes their life stories themselves are worth something: Musician Ray Charles makes the list for the first time this year, in part because of income related to his 2004 biopic. Johnny Cash, who also makes his first appearance this year, has his own movie out in November.
Lying is good for you
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If I told you lying was good for you, you probably wouldn’t believe me. But trust me--I’m not lying.
Simply put, we lie because it works. When we do it well, we get what we want.
We lie to avoid awkwardness or punishment. We lie to maintain relationships and please others. And, of course, most of all we lie to please ourselves. Whether we’re embellishing our credentials or strengthening our stories, we often tell untruths to make ourselves appear and feel better.
Anti-bark spray collar
Why get up from the couch to whack yappers on the nose when you could punish his barking excess with an automatically released chemical weapon disciplinary agent? Whenever your dog barks, the $109 Gentle Spray Citronella Anti-Bark Collar hits the little guy where it counts — in that super sensitive sniffer of his. Meaning the citronella spray is small enough that you shouldn’t notice anything, but Fido will probably pine for those good old shock collar days.
They walk among us
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"Too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing". Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun, we should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
They walk among us ... AND REPRODUCE!!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Astros have no black players
HOUSTON Oct 25, 2005 — Joe Morgan worries about the face of baseball. Watching the World Series, the Hall of Famer is troubled by what he sees. His old team, the Houston Astros, is down 2-0 to the Chicago White Sox, but it's not their lineup that concerns Morgan. It's their makeup.
The Astros are the first World Series team in more than a half-century with a roster that doesn't include a single black player.
"Of course I noticed it. How could you not?" Morgan said while the Astros took batting practice before the opener in Chicago. "But they're not the only ones. There are two or three teams that didn't have any African-American players this year."
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The loyal wife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."
Thanks Gary
Strange News Items
Motorcycle airbag designed
A company from Santiago Chile is selling airbags for motorcycle drivers.
The airbag comes inside a jacket that looks just like an ordinary jacket.
Luis Valenzuela product manager of United Motors told Las Ultimas Noticias: "At first sight they look nothing different but they are made with special fabric and they are totally padded.
"They have many bags inside that can be inflated and they keep the whole upper body protected.
"It has been tested and it has saved many lives already."
New apartments to offer balcony parking
German architects are designing upmarket apartments that allow residents to park on their balconies.
Developers Topos say the 'car loft' apartments, in Berlin, will help ease the city's parking problems and reduce car crime.
"It will also help make inner cities more attractive by getting rid of so many parked cars," said Topos business manager Johannes Kauka.
Two elevators are built at either end of the apartment block allowing residents to drive right up to their front door.
'Fat' people told to move on plane
Passengers on a half-empty plane were shocked when an air hostess asked for eight 'fat' people to move.
The eight passengers were asked to move to the front of the plane as the captain was unhappy with weight distribution in the cabin.
Peter Harrison who was on the Britannia Airways flight from Tenerife to Gatwick said: "She said there were too many passengers at the back of the plane and she needed eight fat people sat in rows 31 to 42 to sit nearer the front."
Peter, from Borehamwood, Herts, was not in those rows but said he felt awkward because he weighs 24 stone.
According to The Sun he added: "She was staring straight at me. At the time I thought it was funny but it must have been quite humiliating for anyone large in those rows. In the end eight people got up and shuffled forward before we took off. It can't have been nice for them."
Abracadabra - You're pregnant!
David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage - without even touching her.
Speaking to German magazine Galore, the illusionist rejected the theory that there were only seven different kinds of magic tricks.
He said: "Bull s**t! There is a great deal of new territory to conquer. In my next show I'm going to make a girl pregnant on stage."
He added: "Naturally it will be without sex. Everyone will be happy about it, but I'm not telling you any more."
The magician is currently on tour in Germany with his show, An Intimate Evening of Grand Illusion.
Gentleman's Ball Scratcher
When you get an itch in that most awkward of spots, what's a man to do? The only problem is that while fellow blokes understand the need to have a good old scratch sometimes, the female of the species tend to be disgusted for some unknown reason. But now you don't have to suffer in silence. The Gentle man's Ball Scratcher is the sophisticated solution to this irritating issue.
Silver plated and crafted in the shape of a delicate female hand, the Ball Scratcher is ideal for getting to those hard to reach places. Perfect for the busy make executive, it comes in a lined presentation box, which colleagues will assume holds a fancy pen or letter opener. Be discreet enough, and no one will notice where the hand is heading...
When you get an itch in that most awkward of spots, what's a man to do? The only problem is that while fellow blokes understand the need to have a good old scratch sometimes, the female of the species tend to be disgusted for some unknown reason. But now you don't have to suffer in silence. The Gentle man's Ball Scratcher is the sophisticated solution to this irritating issue.
Monday, October 24, 2005
NOTICE: Problems posting
I'm experienceing problems posting in my usual manner. I hope to have this correctly shortly. Thanks for your support.
UPDATE 1 - 10/25/05:
Still no response from Blogger.com, the host for this blog, other than an auto reply type message telling me to look at their help files. I did that before I requested help.
UPDATE 2 - 10/25/05:
I read on BloggerDev group that the problem will be fixed "in a few days". My posts shall be sparse between now and then.
Jonco
Alfred E. Neuman quotes
"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment!"
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
"Smoking helps you lose weight -- one lung at a time!"
Outside the box
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Sunday, October 23, 2005
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