Saturday, August 19, 2006
Top Ten Ways to Know You're Too Fat
10. When you get to the bottom of a stairway, your tummy takes one more step.
9. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
8. You put mayonnaise on aspirin.
7. Your blood type is Ragu.
6. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
5. You ran away from home and they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton for your picture.
4. You could sell shade.
3. Your driver's license says, 'Picture continued on other side.'
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
Friday, August 18, 2006
10 Reasons beer is better than wine
Wine's brief moment of glory in the sunshine of the Gallup Poll is done. After inexplicably tying beer last year as America's drink of choice and exciting the napkin-waving emotions of newspaper food editors across the nation, wine has slipped back into its proper subservient place.
In the annual Gallup booze poll for 2006, beer reigns supreme once again – the first choice of 41 percent of Americans – and continues to be the biggest seller in volume and dollar sales, accounting for almost 60 percent of all booze sales. Anyone want to take bets on how fast the newspapers won't be to report this crisp, hoppy smack to the merlot-hole?
In celebration, a list of reasons why beer is better than wine.
ONE
If you drink beer from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass first, you’re just a guy. If you’re necking a bottle of wine – doesn’t matter how expensive it is, doesn’t matter how "exquisite" it is – you’re a drunk. Why do you think they call them “winos”?
TWO
Beer’s cheaper. Don’t tell me that’s not a good reason. You can’t pay much more than $25 for a single bottle of beer, maybe $40 in a good restaurant, and that’s going to be a big bottle of some rare Belgian specialty that’s so good your toes will curl. You can easily get two glasses of exceptional beer for under $15 anywhere. A $40 bottle of wine in a restaurant? At best it’s drinkable, but it will probably peel the paint off the walls when the waiter unscrews the cap. Wine is so stupid pricey it can even cost you your job.
THREE
Germans make beer; the French make wine.
FOUR
People know beer’s good without having to be convinced of it by some snot with a wine column. Easy to figure this one out: What do more people start on, beer or wine? Beer tastes like bread and spices and snappy citrus zest and a hundred other things, depending on how it’s made. Wine? On first taste, good wine tastes like fruit gone bad. You need someone to explain to you what it is about wine that’s actually pretty good. Because it is, I’ll admit it, but … it took me a while of wanting to like it before I did.
FIVE
Beer makes you sing AC/DC. Wine makes you sing opera.
SIX
Beer comes in smaller bottles; opening one is an easier decision. That seems like a trivial thing, but wine marketers are pushing smaller bottles lately. Smaller bottles cost less and there’s not as much in them, so people will make the decision to buy wine more easily. Beer’s already there. And we’ve got the whole draft thing, too. Point to beer.
SEVEN
Five percent of wine corks are undetectably bad and turn the wine in the bottle to crap. That’s why the waiter will give you the cork to sniff – or he did until too many ignorant people made fun of the practice. But that’s not the real reason that makes beer better than wine. That’s because even if a bottle of wine is corked, most people will drink it anyway, because they know wine’s not supposed to taste "good." Beer doesn’t usually go bad, but when it does, it turns skunky or sour or has floaters. This is nature’s way of letting you know that the beer is not good. Thanks, nature!
EIGHT
Wine drinkers always go on about vintages and great years and wines of the past. Hey, too bad for them. Vintages run out; the brewer can almost always make more beer that’s just as good as the one you loved.
NINE
Beer goes better with barbecue. And Thai. And ham. And cheese. And salads. And sausage. And bread. And crabs. And tomatoes. And waffles. And so on. In fact, if you read most wine books, there are a lot of foods an honest wine writer will admit just don't go well with any kind of wine. You can always tell when beer goes better with a food than wine does, because there’s an easy test. Ask a wine expert what wine goes best with the food. If they say “Riesling” or “Gewürztraminer,” beer tastes better than wine with that dish.
TEN
Beer is a much more direct drink: When a brewer wants beer to taste like fruit … he adds fruit. If he wants it to taste like smoke, he smokes some malt – with real smoke – and he adds that. Winemakers get different flavors by adding suggestions, imagination and hints: “You’ll taste smoke and hints of fresh herbs, with a flinty, mineral backsplash of firmness.” And if you don’t, goes the unspoken subtext, you’re stupid. Surprise, surprise – everyone says, “Yeah, I can really taste the herbs! Fresh herbs, wow!”
From one surgeon to another
A mechanic was carefully removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when a well-known cardiac surgeon came into his shop.
The surgeon waited politely for the mechanic to finish what he was doing before asking him to look at his own bike, when the mechanic lifts his head up and sees him, and calls him over: "Hey, doc, look at this here engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon smiled: "Try doing it with the engine running."
He said... She said
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Thanks Phyllis
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Off to the land of the hanging chads
I’m off to Florida again for a few days to move my aunt to a nursing home.
I’ll try to post while I’m gone but not sure I’ll be able to.
Ove a half million served
OK, we’re not quite as popular as McDonald’s yet, but we did pass the 500,000 hits mark yesterday.
Thanks to all the great readers and all the commenters. We just try to find amusing, cute or interesting things to post. Things that I find interesting one way or another. I’m sure you won’t find everything here as interesting as I might, but that’s OK. Hopefully you’ll find enough stuff interesting enough to keep you coming back.
Disclaimer: Opinions expressed here are not necessarily the opinions of the blogmeister. Remember, I borrow 98% of the stuff posted here.
Thanks for visiting…. and have a great day!
Jonco
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Happy Thoughts
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"
Drawing God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Jonah and the whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Cutting back on beer
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.....
The missing body parts of 10 famous people
Here’s info on just one:
7. Napoleon’s Penis.
Exiled emperor Napoleon Bonaparte died on May 5, 1821. The following day, doctors conducted an autopsy, which was reportedly witnessed by many people, including a priest named Ange Vignali. Though the body was said to be largely intact at the time of the undertaking, it seems the priest took home a souvenir. In 1916, Vignali’s heirs sold a collection of Napoleonic artifacts, including what they claim to be the emperor’s penis. While no one knows for sure if it really is Napoleon’s, uh, manhood, people have paid good money for the penis. Currently, it’s in the possession of an American urologist.
Types of morons
John Walkenbach of J-Walk Blog and an Excel expert who writes great Excel books posted this yesterday:
A Google search for moron returns 22,500,000 documents. Let's break that down...
- F***ing morn - 319,000
- Stupid moron - 80,600
- Frigging moron - 51,800
- Ignorant moron - 30,200
- Liberal moron - 14,800
- Crazy moron - 14,300
- Incompetent moron - 11,400
- Retarded moron - 11,100
- Idiotic moron - 11,300
- White House moron - 9,560
- Damned moron - 4,080
- Educated moron - 3,690
- Redneck moron - 3,390
- Useless moron - 3,200
- Republican moron - 2,470
- Gay moron - 2,250
- Political moron - 1,980
- Conservative moron - 1,600
- Fundamentalist moron - 1,550
- Fascist moron - 1,360
- Atheist moron - 1,070
- Foolish moron - 1,010
- Religious moron - 898
- Uneducated moron - 807
- Dumb moron - 707
- Corrupt moron - 633
- Lying moron - 551
- Communist moron - 559
- Slack jawed moron - 536
- Democrat moron - 317
- Overeducated moron - 129
- Simple-minded moron - 65
- Half-witted moron - 57
- Banjo playing moron - 2
- Guitar playing moron - 1
- Excel book writing moron - 0
What moron types have I missed?
via (of course)
A new Preamble to the Constitution
The following has been attributed to State Rep Mitchell Aye from GA.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This is a pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to
wherever you came from! (lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?
Thanks Phyllis
Monday, August 14, 2006
Thought for today
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.
My new car
I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!", He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this car!
Cruzin Cooler
Makes for very convenient drinking and driving.
With modern technology, the Cruzin Cooler is light-weight and comes in various sizes and is available in gas and electric models, with a 10 mile range on electric models and 30 miles on the gas models.
The cooler is light enough to be driven to a location and then picked up and carried. The cooler can be used for hunting, sporting events, races, camping, golf or even a trip to the grocery store to keep your food cold all the way home.
Top 15 comments from police videos
The following 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My personal favorite.)
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?”
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.”
Thanks Phyllis
Nicknames of U.S. state residents
For instance:
California – Californian Florida – Floridian, Floridan Idaho – Idahoan Kentucky – Kentuckian Massachusetts – Bay Stater New Hampshire – New Hampshirite New Mexico – New Mexican Oregon – Oregonian Utah – Utahan, Utahn Wisconsin – Wisconsinite
Management Lesson
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO!".
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She blurted out, "The son of a bitch used coins!"
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to its terms and getting screwed.
Thanks Paul E
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Off to Mud volleyball
Our Club is hosting a Mud Volleyball Tournament today. A portion of the proceeds go to the Evangelical children’s home in St. Louis.
This is the daughter of a friend from a couple years back.
Back to regular posting tomorrow. Have a great day!
Twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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