Saturday, January 06, 2007
Hooker
A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Biker vs praying mantis
From Miss Cellania.com
This story was contributed by Ubergeek, but I couldn’t find a link for him. It was in the comments at this really funny post on an affair between a praying mantis and a wolf spider.
I'm a biker... I own more than just a "choppers" tee-shirt. Bugs get to be a fact of life, but this went waaaaaaaaaay beyond just getting hit by a bug.
I'm driving through upstate New York a few years ago, just enjoying the beautiful weather and the sceanery around Lake Placid.
Now this all happened in a split second, but you still have time to see it coming in that split second... just not do anything about it.
Praying Mantids can fly... they just rarely do so. Well call me Mr. Rarely:
I'm banging up some small country road when in the mid distance I see this small green dot bobbing along across the road... a second later I get a split second glimpse of a Praying Mantis in flight... looked like a big sucker too.
A split second after that it smacks dead into my upper lip, just under my nose.
SPLACK!!!!
I had goo everywhere... not to mention that it F*****g hurt! There was goop up my nose, in my teeth, sprayed across my cheeks. There was also one hell of a welt. And when I say up my nose... I mean UP my nose. At the velocity I was doing it got jammed way up there.
I damn near crashed my motorcycle... my goggles kept the bug bits out of my eyes but the impact to my sinuses made my eyes instantly fill with water. I managed to pull over and start snorting out bug parts and wiping my face.
But the truly funny part came about 10 minutes later at the next gas stop. I'm still snorting and trying to clean up when the guy at gas pump takes one look and then retches. He didn't actually puke... but he did have to hold it in. Figuring the damn thing has torn open my lip and he can see my teeth or something I crouch down and look in the mirror.
One of those nasty fore legs has imbedded in my cheek... not much more than a bad scratch... but what freaked buddy out was that it was still twitching.
Ahhhhhh nature.
Man's hand nailed to coffee table
A man has been taken to hospital after police called to his house found his hand had been nailed to a coffee table.
Officers in Swansea say they are not treating the incident as suspicious and were not investigating any further.
Nothing suspicious about that!
Frank
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabby: "I married his widow."
Friday, January 05, 2007
Short and funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
The other shoe box drops...so to speak
Shortly before Christmas I posted a Saturday Night Live uncensored video of a “special gift” from a guy to his lady.
Now there is a video out from a lady with a “special gift” for her man.
Very funny stuff here. Be sure to watch the first one first if you haven’t seen it yet.
Probably NSFW.
Self-Cleaning Underwear Goes Weeks Without Washing
Self-cleaning fabrics could revolutionize the sport apparel industry. The technology, created by scientists working for the U.S. Air Force, has already been used to create t-shirts and underwear that can be worn hygenically for weeks without washing.
The new technology attaches nanoparticles to clothing fibers using microwaves. Then, chemicals that can repel water, oil and bacteria are directly bound to the nanoparticles. These two elements combine to create a protective coating on the fibers of the material.
This coating both kills bacteria, and forces liquids to bead and run off.
Welcome to puberty
A funny three minute animated look at the process of boys and girls going through puberty.
(Took a while to load but definitely worth the wait.)
If you enjoy watching TV show you've recorder earlier, thank Mr. Rogers
From Wikipedia:
During the controversy surrounding the introduction of the household VCR, Rogers was involved in supporting the manufacturers of VCRs in court. His 1979 testimony in the case Sony Corp. of America v. Universal City Studios, Inc. noted that he did not object to home recording of his television programs, for instance, by families in order to watch together at a later time. This testimony contrasted with the views of others in the television industry who objected to home recording or believed that devices to facilitate it should be taxed or regulated.
The Supreme Court considered the testimony of Rogers in its decision that held that the Betamax video recorder did not infringe copyright. The Court stated that his views were a notable piece of evidence "that many [television] producers are willing to allow private time-shifting to continue;" it even quoted his testimony in a footnote:
Some public stations, as well as commercial stations, program the "Neighborhood" at hours when some children cannot use it ... I have always felt that with the advent of all of this new technology that allows people to tape the "Neighborhood" off-the-air, and I'm speaking for the "Neighborhood" because that's what I produce, that they then become much more active in the programming of their family's television life. Very frankly, I am opposed to people being programmed by others. My whole approach in broadcasting has always been "You are an important person just the way you are. You can make healthy decisions." Maybe I'm going on too long, but I just feel that anything that allows a person to be more active in the control of his or her life, in a healthy way, is important. —Frederick Rogers
Thanks for the emails
As another year begins, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use deodorant even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or Fed Ex, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,543,314 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this as an e-mail to at least 544,000 people in the next 7 minutes a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's customer.
Thanks Phyllis
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Waterskiing with his dog on New Years Day
A St. Louis man and his dog put on some skis and hit the water on New Year’s Day. The two waterskiied in front of the Gateway Arch in downtown St. Louis, to raise money for the Disabled Athletic Sporting Association. This is an annual event.
Saddam Hussein: Thanks for the Memories
Interesting. I didn’t know all of this.
Saddam Hussein: Thanks for the Memories (Takes a minute to load)
Pig sick?
Then check out the Online Pig Disease Problem Solver.
Just answer a few questions and find out what’s ailing your pig.
Magic Grow Snake
For Christmas my grandkids gave me a Magic Grow Snake. You put it in water and it “grows and grows and grows”. It’s supposed to grow 600%. It was in a package about 14 inches long. and very thin. It grew to about 36 inches (squiggly) as in Day 3 Picture and 48 inches stretched out. It certainly got a lot fatter. Not sure if it grew 600%.
At start Day 1
Day 2 Day 3
Next up…. Grow Your Own Desperate Housewife
She’s just about 2 inches tall. I just put her in the tub.
I’ll report on her growth progress in a few days. I have high hopes for her.
Calmness in Our Lives
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
The execution
Two prisoners, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play "The Macarena" for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "KILL ME FIRST."
2007 celebrity obituary predictions
The fine folks at B3ta have a challenge:
Margaret Thatcher. Elizabeth Taylor. Michael J. Fox. Pete Doherty. These are just some of the people who will probably die during the next 12 months. But how will they and others be remembered? Let's get 2007's tributes completed before the year has even started...
Here are a few examples:
Psychic Pat Robertson predicts terrorist's "Mass Killing" in 2007
V
IRGINIA BEACH, Virginia (AP) -- Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday that God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007.
"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network.
"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
Robertson said God told him about the impending tragedy during a recent prayer retreat.
God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Top 10 signs your family is stressed
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
This is disgusting
Even I won’t post this directly.Turtle fart cause alarm
(Ya’ can’t make up better stuff than this.)
A turtle given a Christmas treat of Brussels sprouts caused a Boxing Day emergency when it set off an alarm at a sea life centre – by passing wind.
Its bubbles in the water tank were sent up a tube to the surface, where they popped and splashed water on to a sensor.
Marine biologist Sarah Leaney rushed to the 500,000 litre tank in Weymouth, Dorset, assuming it was overflowing.
'Sprouts are a healthy Christmas treat for sea turtles,' she said. 'But they give similar side effects to those experienced by humans.'
United Airlines employees see UFO over Chicago's O'Hare Field
The workers, some of them pilots, said the object didn't have lights and hovered over an airport terminal before shooting up through the clouds, according to a report in Monday's Chicago Tribune.
The Federal Aviation Administration acknowledged that a United supervisor had called the control tower at O'Hare, asking if anyone had spotted a spinning disc-shaped object. But the controllers didn't see anything, and a preliminary check of radar found nothing out of the ordinary, FAA spokeswoman Elizabeth Isham Cory said. Update: Spelling error corrected. (Thanks Karyn)
The Eagle has landed
This majestic eagle was perched in a tree overlooking the river behind our house this morning.
Monday, January 01, 2007
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