Saturday, August 04, 2007
Baby bunnies
My grandkids rescued these two baby bunnies from the family dog.
An unknown number of bunny siblings didn’t make it out alive. Nor did momma bunny.
They’re two days old in this picture (at least I think that’s what they said). They are maybe three inches in length at best. They don’t look too healthy here, but they’re just sleeping… which is what babies do.
The family is trying to feed and nourish them and so far they’re eating.
My experience with baby bunnies from my teens wasn’t too successful. Hopefully they’ll have better luck.
Bike ride today
We left home at 6 am this morning (near St. Louis) and met up with friends and then went to breakfast at Piasa Harbor along the Great River Road near Grafton Illinois. It’s always a beautiful ride along the Mississippi and Illinois rivers. We then continued north along the River Road (IL 100) past Pere Marquette State Park and up to Hardin IL. 
There we crossed over the bridge (Illinois River) and over great country roads to the Golden Eagle Ferry located in Golden Eagle IL. The ferry took us into Missouri in St. Charles County. Another half hour or so and we were at Capt’n Jacks Off the River Bar and Grill. (We debated where the punctuation goes in the bar’s name. Is it after Capt’n or after Jack’s?)
Capt’n Jack’s is a brightly colored bar located on the Dardenne Slough off the Mississippi River. It was about 11 am when we were there so not many people present, but you can just tell the place gets jumping on a weekend night.
Here’s a view onto an outdoor patio at Capt’n Jack’s Off the River. The yellow bars (upper right) are actually a cage that extends out over the railing that partiers can step up into and dance. Some of you may remember go-go girls.
Here is a dual stool at Capt’n Jack’s.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Actual school excuse notes
hese are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country, amazingly funny:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Top 10 blonde inventions
1. The waterproof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door.
4. A book on How to read
5. An inflatable dart board.
6. A dictionary index.
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal- powered wheel chair.
10. Water proof tea-bag.
Montana rancher
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Children's notes to God
A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of them.
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have?Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.Dear God,
I bet it is hard for you to love everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all them.Dear God,
In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you're on vacation?Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is it just a trick?Dear God,
Is it true my father won't go to Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?Dear God,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to get my brother good.Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.Dear God,
Of all the people who work for you I like Noah and David the best.Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.Dear God,
We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Fuel crisis
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, " What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of petrol !!"
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
After a few minutes, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
A few minutes later, the bees flew out.
"Try it now, " said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow !" the man exclaimed, What did you put in my petrol tank?"
The bee answered, "B P."
List of English words containing Q not followed by U
The list is a LOT longer than you would think.
Of course, most of them I’ve never heard of, much less used.
Flying saucers go into production
Moller International has completed tooling and has begun producing parts for its Jetsons-like M200G volantor, a small airborne two passenger saucer-shaped vehicle that is designed to take-off and land vertically.
The M200G is the size of a small automobile and is powered by eight of the Company’s Rotapower rotary engines. This vehicle is intended for operation continuously in “ground effect” up to approximately 10 feet altitude.
Dr. Moller calls the M200G, “the ultimate off-road vehicle” able to travel over any surface. “It’s not a hovercraft, although its operation is just as easy. You can speed over rocks, swampland, fences, or log infested waterways with ease because you’re not limited by the surface. The electronics keep the craft stabilized at no more than 10 feet altitude, which places the craft within ground effect where extra lift is obtained from operating near the ground.
This lets you glide over terrain at 50 mph that would stop most other vehicles,” he continued. While the Company does not foresee the requirement for significant training or licensing to operate the vehicle, it is prepared to offer demonstration sessions in Davis, California once the vehicle is ready for market.
Production on the initial six airframes started earlier this week using hard-tooled molds with the capability of producing one fuselage per day.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Basic rules of flying
Planing to be a pilot . Here are some basic rules that should always be followed while flying.
1. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
2. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
14. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
15. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Actual newspaper ads
ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
Mustang made out of 5,000 beer cans
Like all good students Jack Kirby collected his beers cans. Unlike most good students the art and design student actually found a use for them.
When he realized Budweiser was giving away his dream car, a 1965 Ford Mustang, he set about making the car out of 5,000 beer cans. To have a chance of winning a real Ford Mustang visit Budweiser.
What?
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.
So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, What's for dinner?" Again, there was no response.
So he walked right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
(you'll just love this...)
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"
Thanks Joe P
Redneck vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alter native," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, West Virginia and Arkansas.
Thanks Joe P
Two old ladies...
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Thanks Joe P
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Vick the Dick
Michael Vick was indicted Tuesday on charges of running a dog fighting operation including gruesome allegations of executing poor-performing animals by hanging and electrocution.
Some people say his football career might be over, others say his friendship with Dick Cheney might have just started.
Are you kathlic?
Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".
" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water.” "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do You think that means?"
"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
Man falls out of car while trying to spit
A Pensacola man was critically injured after he fell out of a vehicle while trying to spit.
Miguel Rogelio, 37, was riding in a 2006 Lincoln on U.S. Highway 29 when he “quickly opened the right front door” to spit, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.
When he did this he fell out of the moving vehicle and onto the roadway, hitting his head.
The driver of the car, Desiree C. Jamar, also of Pensacola, told the investigating trooper that they had just left the Tom Thumb store near the West Roberts Road intersection and that the car was traveling at about 45 miles per hour when Rogelio fell out.
Rogelio is being treated at West Florida Hospital.
Breasts... Fake or Real?
I took the test by looking at twenty pairs (or sets) of breasts. (The things I do for you Bits & Pieces readers.)
Here are my results:
I assume I don’t have to remind you it’s NSFW. Oh, and you have to register and log in … so you might not want to mess with it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
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