Bits & Pieces Christmas Special

Welcome to the ….

Bits & Pieces Christmas Special.    

• Christmas Sing-a-long   (Hint: Click here and there)
• The Turducken song
• Nasty the Snowman
• Carols of the Chins

• Let it snow… inside your house.  Recycling snow machine for your tree.
• Christmas Trivia
• How not to decorate a Christmas tree
• Scared of Santa gallery

• Christmas with Louise – the inflatable love doll
• Virtual snowglobe
• 839 versions of The Night Before Christmas
• 10 worst Christmas gifts of 2005

• 20 tricks to Christmas-proof your body
• A CD Christmas tree  (Finally, a use for those AOL CD’s)
• Christmas around the world
• Deconstructing Christmas songs

• Holiday movie quiz
• Weird Christmas decorations
• The many uses of fruitcake
• Play the White Christmas game
• White Trash Christmas

• Simon Sez Santa (He’ll do anything you say, almost anything)
• Tramp O’Clause   NSFW (Strong language)
• Letters from Bad Santa   NSFW
• A Christmas message from Ozzy Osbourne
  

That’s it for the Bits & Pieces Christmas Special.  Hope you enjoyed it and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Holiday or whatever.

via:  Chucks Fun Stuff, growabrain, Look at this, Presurfer and a few more regulars.

Do you want fries with that?

Make up your damn mind

One question: Why?

A nut and a wrench in the same picture.

Airport security checkpoint of the future

 An airport security "checkpoint of the future" that lets travellers leave shoes on feet, keys in pockets and laptop computers in carry-on bags was shown off in San Francisco.

While a price tag had yet to be put on the new security checkpoint system, its creators promised it would save money because far fewer TSA agents would be needed to operate the automated, remotely-monitored equipment.

Perhaps the sexiest part is the solution we put together will make the passenger experience less intrusive," Hill said.

Passenger screening would begin when a traveller presses a finger to an explosive-sensing touch pad while checking baggage or getting a ticket.

Sophisticated CAT scan devices would replace X-ray technology currently used to scan carry on bags, Hill said. Passengers would then step through a circular, transparent "wave portal" capable of detecting "threat anomalies" such as weapons or bombs, Hill said.

Passengers would then step on a scanner that detects dangerous chemicals or other hazards, according to Hill.

"A passenger then picks up bags and proceeds on their merry way," Hill said. "Unless some potential threat is identified."

Read the story.

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Penny for your thoughts?

Tech support

Can you say "Oops"?

Hoping to hop away

 

Flextime

Orca

Just a reminder

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Anybody got a key?

Two balls and one strike

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Fish with two mouths caught in Nebraska lake

LINCOLN, Neb. - This fish didn't have a chance. A rainbow trout pulled out of Holmes Lake last weekend had double the chance to get hooked: It had two mouths.

Clarence Olberding, 57, wasn't just telling a fisherman's fib when he called over another angler to look at the two-mouthed trout. It weighed in at about a pound.

"I reached down and grabbed it to take the hook out, and that's when I noticed that the hook was in the upper mouth and there was another jaw protruding out below," said Olberding.

He said in his 40 years of fishing, he's never seen anything like it.

Don Gabelhouse, head of the fisheries division of the Nebraska Game and Parks Commission, said a two-mouthed fish was new to him, too.

"It's probably a genetic deformity," he said. "I don't think there's anything wrong with it."

The second mouth didn't appear to be functional, Olberding said. He has plans for the fish, which don't included mounting.

"I'm going to smoke it up and eat it," he said.

Her’e the story.

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Taxi Driver

You’re driving the Taxi-cab.  Show this guy what you’ve got.   Step on it!  A pretty cool interactive game from Sprint.   (It has a fairly short load time.)

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Winter blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."   The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"  Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the
truck door.  The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...  "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Thanks Joe P

I'm driving down the road....

…. and this dick in a truck pulls out in front of me.

Thanks Mickie

Kidz are kool

    

Thanks Mickie

Turn an old Mac into an iWipe

This guy turned an old unwanted MacIntosh into a unique toilet paper dispenser he calls the iWipe.  Total cost was about $15.

Click here to see how he did it.

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One hundred years ago

The year is 1905.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:

• The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
• Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
• With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!  
• The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
• The average U.S. worker made between  $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year,
• a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. 
• More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
• Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no  college education.
• Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
• Sugar cost four cents a pound.
• Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
• Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.  
• Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
• Five leading causes of death in the U.S.  were:
            1. Pneumonia and influenza
            2. Tuberculosis
            3. Diarrhea 
            4. Heart disease 
            5. Stroke
• The American flag had 45 stars.
• Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
• Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
• Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."  (Shocking!)
• Eighteen percent of households in the U.S.  had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
• There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

Thanks Phyllis
It staggers the mind. 

Choices

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat. 

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading!

Thanks Phyllis

Psychiatrists Christmas Carols for every diagnosis

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

ADHD -- Hark the herald angels sing ba-rum-pa-pum-pum in the little town of Bethlehem up on the housetop in a winter wonderland one foggy Christmas Eve hey how bout them Bears no I don't want to switch to Sprint but thank you for shopping at K-Mart.

Thanks Ronnie

Top 5 myths about Christmas

#1 Myth   Retailers Have Ruined Christmas By Commercializing It

#2 Myth   Christmas Cards Are a Venerable Tradition

#3 Myth   Clement Moore Wrote the Poem, "The Night Before Christmas"

#4 Myth   Christmas Trees Are Traditional

#5 Myth   Santa Was Always Fat and Jolly

Read more about these myths here.

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Bull

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Shoe tree

The Nevada Shoe Tree stands in central Nevada (about two miles east of the town of Middlegate) and contains hundreds of shoes. This impressive cottonwood tree stands on the Pony Express Trail on the banks of Rock Creek in the Clan Alpine Mountains.

Misheard Christmas lyrics

Here are some misheard Christmas songs from Snopes.com

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Olive, the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.

Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with gleam:
"Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer,
You'll go down and hear a story!
(or) You'll go down in his story!

Silent Night
 Silent night, holy night;
All is calm, all is bright.
Round John Virgin, margarine child;
Holy imbecile, tender and mild.
(or Holey and lint, sewed tender and mild.)
Sleep in heavenly peas;
Sleep in heavenly peace!

Stabbing fight, hold the knife;
Ship her cake, at the site.
Glories stream from heaven afar,
Tavernly host sing Alleluia:
Christ the Savior is born horned;
Christ the Savior is bored.

The twelve Days of Christmas
 On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My tulip sent to me:
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lawyers leaving,
Nine lazy Hansons,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven warts on women,
Six geezers laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a cartridge in a pantry.
(or) And a partrie Jinnapear tree.

More can be found here.

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Busted!

Man of the year

And these are your friends?

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And the winner is.....

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Doctor visit

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Artist replaces brushes with breasts

Do you remember doing finger paintings when you were a kid ? Squeezing the paint from the tube all over your hands and then spreading it all over the canvas.
Di Peel has replaced traditional brushes, not with her hands, but with her breasts.
Di says breast painting came about after a chance discovery on the internet.
"There was a woman doing breast paintings and her boobs where quite small. I emailed the article to a friend and then my friend said well if you think you can do any better you should have a go. So I did," says Di.
The bubbly artist told ABC North West's Sian Gard, there is a big market for breast painting.
"I think there is, I sold my first painting for $10, my second for $26 and now I have a consignment of ten paintings at $89 each"
So, what kind of pictures do Di and her breasts produce? "They're more like abstract flowers," says Di.
"But my latest piece, people say, looks like the earth from space. My son named it 'earthquake' because he thinks it looks like an earthquake."
But how dose a buyer know that they are getting the genuine thing.
"I sign every picture with my nipple" says Di.

Link  via

Sign of the times

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: HolidayParty

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

*******************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

*******************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

*********************************************
FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: December 05, 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks.... I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*******************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

Thanks Paul

Topless sandals

    

Topless Sandals defined: Topless sandals - also called "down unders" - simulate walking barefoot while protecting your feet. Topless sandals stick to the bottom of your feet, but leave no residue on your feet when you take them off. The "stick" is guaranteed for a year, which is the typical life span of a flip flop. Topless sandals are basically topless flip flops, but so much cooler. You'll be amazed at how many heads you turn while wearing your topless sandals. People will literally think you are barefoot and so will your feet. Topless-Sandal.com is the official topless sandals store and topless sandals accessories store for items such as toe rings, foot jewelry, and anklet bracelets. Tell your family and friends about the hottest item on the Internet - the topless sandal. Our topless sandals make great stocking stuffers at low prices. Topless sandals are just plain fun and feel great on your feet. Go Topless!

Get yours here.

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How sexy are you?

I’m somewhere between Hot and Steamy.   See ->

Find out how sexy you are in just a few clicks.  Note:  You need a hand to do this.

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I'm a fake

Really cool interactive photo shoot that shows how this gal is put together… piece by piece.   Nearly every part of her is retouched in the photographers computer.  Click here to see her touched and retouched.

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ZZZZzzzzzz

 

 

Thanks Mickie