Saturday, December 16, 2006
Elf pick-up lines
- "Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?"
- * "We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle."
- * "That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there."
- * "Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay."
- * "One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel."
- * "Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos."
- * "I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who's Jewish."
- * "Not everything about me is tiny."
- * "That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling."
- * "I'm down here!"
- * "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
- * "I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt."
- * "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."
- * "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
- * "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."
- * "I taught Santa everything he knows."
- * "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
- * "I'm free on Christmas Eve."
- * "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."
- * "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."
- * "You know what they say about guys with big ears."
- * "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
- * "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
- * "I can get you off the naughty list."
Bacon machines in public restrooms
Don't you just love those bacon machines they have in public restrooms, right beside the sinks?
(1) Push button (2) Release Bacon (3) Enjoy Bacon
The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
- Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained. - Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. - Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
- Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
- Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller - Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
- Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you. - Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
- Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. - Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
17. bonus round: Inuendo:(n), Italian word for suppository
Long armed man saving dolphins one at a time
The world's tallest man has saved two dolphins by using his long arms to reach into their stomachs and pull out dangerous plastic shards.
Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun was called in after the dolphins swallowed plastic used around their pool at an aquarium in Fushun, north-east China.
Attempts to use instruments failed as the dolphins contracted their stomachs.
Veterinarians turned to Mr Bao after attempts to extract the plastic shards at the aquarium in Fushun, Liaoning Province, had failed.
With video. There are more photos here.
Friday, December 15, 2006
How to speak about men and be politically correct
He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. [Which, then, would have to convert to yet
another version? Suggestions?]
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.
How to speak about women and be politically correct
She is not a BABE or a CHICK. She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY. She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT. She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB. She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND. She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED. She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY. She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY. She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD. She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY. She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS. She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU. She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
Why doctors make more than mechanics
The auto mechanic asked the cardiologist, "Why do you make so much more money, we both use our hands to fix things?.”
The cardiologist replied, "Try doing it while its running."
Congratulations are in order
Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations.
Wanna buy a drive-in movie screen?
This one is right near my house. I drive past it every day. Now I see it’s for sale on eBay. They’re only asking $10,000. So far there are no bids. You still have 4 days to bid on it.
It’s at the Big Pevely Flea Market in Pevely MO which was once the home of the 61 Drive-In Theater. The drive in opened in the 1940’s but this 40 X 60 foot screen is only about 25 years old. I think the drive-in closed ten years or so ago. It could be more than that. The flea market will sure look different without it. It makes the flea market easy to find.
I would like to get a larger screen for my projector…but this might be a tad larger than I need.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Two medical students...
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought..... ..... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought..... ..... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS......... .. but I was wrong.
Three sisters....
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”
Top 10 bads things that are good for you
Beer quells heart disease and chocolate staves off cancer? Though often tagged with a disclaimer, studies that tell us to eat, inhale and generally indulge in "bad stuff" is music to our ears. So go ahead and enjoy these bad-for-you remedies—everything in moderation, as they say—until the next study inevitably overturns the research.
10 Beer
9 Anger
8 Coffee
7 LSD
6 Sunlight
5 Maggots
4 Marijuana
3 Red wine
2 Chocolate
1 Sex
How can this be? Find out here.
19 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Death
1. After being decapitated, the average person remains conscious for an additional 15-20 seconds. Talk about a way to go.
2. Mourning your dear departed cat? You could shave your eyebrows like the ancient Egyptians used to. Then again, maybe a trip to the pet cemetery would be easier.
3. May want to rethink what you bury your loved ones in. An old wives’ tale claims that if a woman is buried wearing the color black, she’ll come back to haunt the family.
4. Speaking of preventing hauntings, yet another old wives tale led to the institution of burial wreaths. It was believed that the wreath would encircle the spirit of the dead person, thereby preventing them from returning from the grave.
5. In 1931, Henry Ford decided to preserve his friend, Thomas Edison’s last dying breath. He kept it in a bottle. Hope he put a label on that one.
6. One of the main reasons cowboys carried pistols in the 1800’s was to avoid being dragged to death by their horse. You think they could have just gotten bigger stirrups.
7. The last words spoken by Union General John Sedgewick were, “They (the Confederate soldiers) couldn’t hit an elephant from this dis…”
8. So much for the curse of good ole King Tut. Despite reports that all twenty-two people who were present at the exhumation kicked the bucket, twenty-one were still kicking ten years later.
9. If someone plans to jump off Mount Everest to commit suicide, you’ll need a lot of patience. It takes the average person 2.5 minutes to hit bottom. And we don’t want to know who timed it.
10. Here’s a job I definitely wouldn’t want to have. When Pyrenees beekeepers die, someone has to go around and splash every single one of their bees with black ink.
11. John Bowman, a tanner from Vermont believed that after his death he would be reincarnated with his pre-deceased wife and children. So, he ordered his house staff to have dinner on the table every night, just in case. They finally stopped in 1950 when the money finally dried up.
12. Think your décor is bad? Oscar Wilde’s last words were, "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go" He fought the wallpaper and the wallpaper won.
13. An old superstition stated that if the doors in the house were locked, the soul of a dying person couldn’t get out.
14. Yet another superstition warns against pointing at a funeral procession, with the dire warning that you’ll die within a month. More proof for that whole three fingers pointing back at you thing.
15. Might want to read the labels a little more carefully. Nearly 2,500 lefties are killed every year using products meant for righties. Who knew? Now, just back away from those right-handed scissors.
16. A pet-parrot caused a ruckus at President Andrew Jackson’s funeral. His crime? Swearing during the ceremony. Guess he should have given Polly just one more cracker.
17. That ballpoint pen? The one you’re chewing on? Might want to put it down. 100 people are killed every year by choking on a ballpoint pen. Which proves the old quote about the pen being mightier than the sword. At least some of the time.
18. Apparently, they really are virtually indestructible. A cockroach can reportedly live up to 9 days without its head. The only reason they finally kick over? Starvation.
19. And you thought sex appeal was the first to go. Allegedly, it’s actually your sight that goes first when you die. It’s your hearing that’s the last to go…. What was that?
The faster way through airport security
Clear® Registered Traveler will get you through airport security lines faster and with less hassle. Working with the Transportation Security Administration, Clear ensures that members benefit from a more consistent and stress-free airport experience. They also enjoy access to a designated Clear lane, extraordinary customer service, a concierge to help with their carry-on luggage and fewer missed flights.
Clear use iris images and fingerprints to verify the identification of our members as individuals who have been approved by TSA to participate in the registered traveler program.
Iris images……. Like fingerprints, no two irises are alike. Iris recognition is a powerful biometric technology that involves no physical contact with the device. The iris is the colored ring that surrounds the pupil in your eye. Iris Recognition uses a camera similar to a home video camcorder to capture an image of the iris. This allows for a non-intrusive method of capturing an image, since we simply take a picture of the iris from a distance of 3 to 10 inches away.
It’ll cost you $99 a year for this service.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Downtown St. Louis today
I took this picture coming in from Florida today. The new Busch Stadium, home of the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals, is behind and to the left of the Gateway Arch. The Edward Jones Dome, where the St. Louis Rams play is out of the picture just to the right.
Googles hidden features
Google is a great search engine, but it's also more than that. Google has tons of hidden features, some of which are quite fun and most of which are extremely useful— if you know about them. How do you discover all these hidden features within the Google site? Read on to learn more.
- Google Is a Calculator
- Google Knows Mathematical Constants
- Google Converts Units of Measure
- Google Is a Dictionary
- Google Is a Glossary
- Google Lists All the Facts
- Google Displays Weather Reports
- Google Knows Current Airport Conditions
- Google Tracks Flight Status
- Google Tracks Packages
- Google Is a Giant Phone Directory
- Google Knows Area Codes
- Google Has Movie Information
- Google Loves Music
- Google Knows the Answer to the Ultimate Question
20 things you didn't know about rats
2 In the mid-19th century, Jack Black, the rat catcher for Queen Victoria, found several color variations of the brown rat and domesticated those he caught. Eager owners of his pet rats included the Queen herself, and it's rumored—disturbingly—Beatrix Potter. 3 Rats' front teeth grow 4½ to 5½ inches each year. Rats wear them down by continuously gnawing on everything around them, including cement, brick, wood, lead pipes, and other small animals. 4 A female rat can mate as many as 500 times with various males during a six-hour period of receptivity—a state she experiences about 15 times per year. Thus a pair of brown rats can produce as many as 2,000 descendants in a year if left to breed unchecked. (A rat matures sexually at age three to four months.) An average rat's life span is two to three years. 5 A rat can tread water for three days and survive being flushed down the toilet. (And it can return to the building via the same route.) There is approximately one rat per person in the United States. 6 Not all rats live close to humans. Of the 56 known species, many live in remote habitats like marshlands and rain forests, and some are endangered. How sad! 7 A Hindu temple dedicated to the rat goddess Karni Mata in Deshnoke, India, houses more than 20,000 rats. Many people travel far to pay respect to the rats, which are believed to be reincarnations of Karni Mata and her clansmen. 8 Perhaps they're reincarnated teenagers: According to a study by Martin Schein, founder of the Animal Behavior Society, the favorite foods of city-dwelling brown rats include scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, and cooked corn. 9 Well, junk food isn't much better: Rats eat their own feces, purely for the nutritional value. 10 A recent study at the National Institutes of Health revealed that decreasing the caloric intake of rats expands their life span. So feed them as much as you can. 11 Who were they rescuing? In June 2006, animal rescue workers in Petaluma, California, found Roger Dier in his one-bedroom home overrun with more than 1,000 brown rats. The brood began after the obsessed collector took pity on a baby rat he planned to feed to his pet python. 12 Rat baiting, a popular sport in 19th-century London, pitted a man or a dog against hundreds of rats. Jacko, a 13-pound bull terrier, set the record in 1862 when he killed 100 rats in 5 minutes, 28 seconds. 13 Drats! A rat can fall as far as 50 feet and land uninjured. 14 "Drats" has nothing to do with rats. It's a short form of "od rat," a euphemism for "God rot," which is used like "Goddamn." 15 If you were born in 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, or 1996, then you're a rat, according to Chinese astrology. This would make you quick-witted, resourceful, and something of a fashionista. Exactly like a rat, except for the clothes bit. 16 Rats do not sweat. They regulate their temperature by constricting or expanding blood vessels in their tails. 17 Rats are known to transmit several potentially fatal diseases to humans, including viral hemorrhagic fever, plague, Weil's disease, and Q fever. 18 On the bright side, it is extremely rare for a human to get rabies from a rat. 19 Innie or outie? Rats don't have gallbladders or tonsils, but they do have belly buttons. 20 Yeah, but seriously, who wants one? In 2006 it was revealed that a team of scientists at Tel Aviv University in Israel had created a brain chip out of rat neurons. 
1 The brown rat (Rattus norvegicus), also known as the Norway rat, and its more acrobatic Asian cousin, the black rat (Rattus rattus), enjoy a nearly worldwide distribution, thanks to their skill at stowing away on ships.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Leavin' on a jet plane....
I’m off for a couple days to visit my aunt in Florida.
Will be back Wednesday.
Be careful out there.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn
(I may have posted this before but it’s been a while, and it’s good so here goes)
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Remember Fireboxes?
If you don’t, then you’re not as old as I am.
I hadn’t even thought about these for years until I saw this picture. I can remember one that stood on the corner of Broadway and Baden Avenue in north St. Louis when I was a kid. I know I never set one of them off, but I’m sure it happened.
33 Names of Things You Never Knew had Names
Here are a few:
1. AGLET
The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.7. FERRULE
The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.14. KEEPER
The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.17. MINIMUS
The little finger or toe.20. OCTOTHORPE
The symbol `#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.33. ZARF
A holder for a handleless coffee cup.
5 Megabyte hard disk from 1956
It’s a hard disk in 1956.... The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956. In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data. Let us start appreciating your 4 GB jump drive!
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