You may not realize that your computer mouse can get out of calibration. It needs to be recalibrated every six months or so. More often if you spend a lot of time on the computer!
I was shocked to see how easy this works!
To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S. Then drag the S toward the e below.
Stop farting around and go do something constructive
If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
Thanks Danny Mac
DAMNITOL - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?
BUYAGRA - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or lifting the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMET - When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
1. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.Bonus Bauer Facts
via
I might try this at our Mud Volleyball Tournament this summer.
At elementary schools, kindergartens, and preschools all across Japan, kids are losing themselves making hikaru dorodango, or balls of mud that shine. Behind this boom is Professor Fumio Kayo of the Kyoto University of Education. Kayo is a psychologist who researches children's play, and he first came across these glistening dorodango at a nursery school in Kyoto two years ago. He was impressed and devised a method of making dorodango that could be followed even by children. Once Kayo teaches children how to make these mud balls, they become absorbed in forming a sphere, and they put all their energy into polishing the ball until it sparkles. The dorodango soon becomes the child's greatest treasure. Kayo sees in this phenomenon the essence of children's play, and he has written academic papers on the subject. The mud balls could also offer fresh insights into how play aids children's growth.
How to Make Shiny Dorodango
Pack some mud into your hand, and squeeze out the water while forming a sphere. Add some dry dirt to the outside and continue to gently shape the mud into a sphere. When the mass dries, pack it solid with your hands, and rub the surface until a smooth film begins to appear. Rub your hands against the ground, patting and rubbing the fine, powdery dirt onto the sphere. Continue this for two hours. Seal the ball in a plastic bag for three or four hours. Upon removing the sphere, repeat step 4, and then once again seal the sphere in a plastic bag. Remove the ball from the bag, and if it is no longer wet, polish it with a cloth until it shines.
UPDATE: WOW, This post has gotten my site more hits than anything before. 5,600 hits today. I think it was all started by a link from digg.com Thanks!
Here is a link to more info on how to makes a shiny ball of mud with lots of detail and pics. Looks pretty complicated to me.
In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."
The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.
Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.
So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"
So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"
Thanks Mickie
A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Thanks Mickie
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to
try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Thanks Phyllis
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Co me on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You! know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Thanks Phyllis
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
I went to iGod, Repenting made easy, and was dumped by God. Maybe it was a technical difficulty….yeah that’s it. Anyway just as I was about to confess I was disconnected. What follows is a transcript of our conversation:
Me:
Hi God
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Jon
God:
Nice to meet you, Jon.
Me:Nice to meet you too
God:
Thank you for your kindness.
Me:
You probably don't remember me.
God:
Humans seem alot alike to me. Sometimes they all blur together. Sorry.
Me:
It's been a while since we talked.
God:
Oh I get it. Very interesting.
Me:
I've been a bad boy.Me:
Hello?Me:
Anybody home?
Maybe you can have better luck with Mr. G than I did: iGod
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, Now can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again,and shows him the horse's ears." Nith earzth, Now can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, Now can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Thanks Phyllis
A hamster and a four foot rat snake have become friends. The hamster was given to the snake as a “treat”. but instead of devouring it, he decided to make it his pal. They live in the same cage.
Fuk King Kwok was waiting for his driver's license to be printed when his name was called and a chuckling Illinois secretary of state employee offered some advice.
"She [said] this is a dangerous name," the Chinese immigrant recalled. "She [said] the name translated is not so good, maybe I should change [it]. The word I hear is not so good."
Not so good, indeed. That clerk, like so many other Americans who have said his name since he came to Chicago in 1999, didn't pronounce his first name the proper way -- "fook."
Instead, she and the others would pronounce his name with an "uh" sound instead of the "oo" -- in other words, like the granddaddy of all swear words.
"And my middle name is terrible, too," he admitted. "That combination becomes very terrible."
Last month in Cook County Circuit Court -- three years after that clerk offered the advice -- Fuk King Kwok changed his name.
He's now Andy Kwok.
"Before I came to United States, no problems," he said, before nervously laughing. "But in translation to English, it sounds like . . . the word . . . you know ... sometimes language is not so convenient and sometimes I'm embarrassed, you know?"
Cluckoff (n)- A wing eating contest or a friendly competition for to determine who has the best hot wing recipe. Origin: Kevin Miller. Example: In order to determine who could eat the most wings, the group of boys decided to have a cluckoff.)
Cluckitosis (n) - The condition of having fetid breath the morning after a cluck-off. Origin: Gay Miller. Example: "Steve Roth's clukitosis cleared out the lane at this morning's shoot around."
Naked (a)- Chicken wings without breading
Wing Etiquette- Practicing wing etiquette is the result of consuming an even amount of drummies and wings.
A game: Russian Wingette (n) - A high stakes game of chance. Begin with your regular size order of wings in your usual temperature of choice. Also order ten additional wings of the "Thermonuclear" variety. When the wings get to the table, randomly add the 10 super hot wings to the rest of the order. Each player/wing lover takes wings at random and the player at the end of the game who scores the most "thermonuclear" wings has to buy the next round of wings and beer. Example: Hey Doug, wanna play some Russian Wingette after softball tonight?
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to Bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond. " Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Thanks Phyllis
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
Thanks Phyllis
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Thanks Phyllis
A man walked into a dentist's office and said, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," the man said.
The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied, "The light was on.”
Dork Evidence Part I:
I got myself a new flannel shirt before Christmas. It’s nice and warm. I was at work today when someone noticed something on my shirt.
It still had the size sticker on it. I’ve worn it 4 or 5 times (and laundered it each time).
Dork Evidence Part II:
About a year ago after I got home from work and was getting undressed for bed I was preparing to take my shoes off… looked down and saw this….
I had another pair of tennis shoes by the side of my bed… just like this pair. At 4:57AM I’m not functioning all too well (obviously) …and this was the result.
I went all day without noticing and no one commented to me about it either.
Stay tuned…..
Interesting look at how cities are protected by levees…..
The Dutch solution to protecting an entire nation that mostly rests below sea level:
And...
Here's how the richest, most powerful and technologically advanced
nation on earth protected against the long-forecasted flooding of New Orleans:
I ran across this semi truck with it’s cab engulfed in flames this afternoon on Interstate 55 just south of Herculaneum MO. The driver had gotten out and was away from the vehicle as I went by. He was on his cell phone, probably letting someone know he was going to be a little late with his delivery. I had my digital camera in my back pocket and by the time I got it out, this was the best picture I could get as I passed by.
ROME (Reuters) - Thinking of buying a TV for the bedroom? Think again -- it could ruin your sex life.
A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't.
"If there's no television in the bedroom, the frequency (of sexual intercourse) doubles," said Serenella Salomoni whose team of psychologists questioned 523 Italian couples to see what effect television had on their sex lives.
On average, Italians who live without TV in the bedroom have sex twice a week, or eight times a month. This drops to an average of four times a month for those with a TV, the study found.
For the over-50s the effect is even more marked, with the average of seven couplings a month falling to just 1.5 times.
The study found certain programmes are far more likely to impede passion than others. Violent films will put a stop to sexual relations for half of all couples, while reality shows stem passion for a third of couples.
I think I used pics from this airport before.
Princess Juliana International Airport is the airport of St. Maarten. The island of St. Maarten is the smallest landmass in the world shared by two nations. The northern side (St. Martin) is governed by the French and the southern side (St. Maarten) is one of the five island territories that make up the semi autonomous country of the Netherlands Antilles, part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
Princess Juliana International Airport is the lowest landing airport in the world.
Dinosauroid-like Alien Reptiles are dominating the World
Apollo 11 Moon Landings were faked by NASA
September 11 was orchestrated by the U. S. government
Barcodes are really intended to Control people
Charlemagne never existed, is a fictional character
The Truth is out there, on Area 51
Microsoft sends messages on Wingdings Font
U.S. military caused the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami
The Nazis had a Moon Base
Kentucky Fried Chicken makes black men impotent
Details on these idiotic theories can be found here.
Not sure how much truth there is to these…but they are interesting….
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over t he fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !
Thanks Mickie
Warning to all dog owners...
Watch your dog!!!...
Dogs are being picked off one at a time...
They are falling in great numbers.
Police advise all dog owners to "Watch your Dog".
Thanks Phyllis
