Saturday, February 03, 2007
The fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O 'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"
“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
What would happen to an astronaut who was suddenly exposed to space without a protective suit?
From aerospaceweb.org:
Chimpanzees and dogs were particularly common subjects used during decompression and recompression tests. Several of these studies determined that a subject experiencing a rapid decompression to a vacuum will retain some level of consciousness for between nine and twelve seconds. Unconsciousness only occurs once the supply of oxygen in the blood is depleted. Furthermore, a human will have no more than five to ten seconds to take any action in response to the decompression. Shortly after losing consciousness, the body will experience paralysis followed by convulsions and finally paralysis again. Water vapor also begins forming in soft tissue causing the body to swell, perhaps to as much as twice its normal volume if not constrained by a suit. Over the next 30 to 60 seconds, heart rate slows, blood pressure drops, and blood circulation stops. Gases and water vapor rapidly escape through the mouth and nose causing these parts of the body to drop to near freezing temperatures. The rest of the body cools more slowly.
Although some animal subjects perished due to fibrillation of the heart within the first minute of exposure, these cases proved the exception and an air-breathing creature will almost always recover if recompression occurs within 90 seconds. Breathing usually begins spontaneously without any need for outside resuscitation. However, resuscitation becomes impossible after heart activity has stopped regardless of recompression time. …
Having addressed the injuries a person will likely suffer, it is also worthwhile to explain those a person will not experience. A body or head does not explode, as sometimes shown in movies and television programs, because skin and bones have enough strength to contain the higher pressure fluids within the body and prevent them from escaping outward. Blood does not boil for a similar reason. Human blood pressure is already at a relatively high pressure compared to normal atmospheric conditions. Even if the external pressure drops to a vacuum, blood vessels maintain a high enough pressure that the body's temperature remains below the boiling point of water and prevents blood from boiling. The body will not instantly freeze either because even though space is generally very cold, the fact that it is a vacuum means there is no medium to conduct heat away from the body and it cools rather slowly.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Top 11 reasons to celebrate Groundhog Day
11. It's on nearly every calendar
10. It helps relieve Cabin Fever
9. Spring or not, it's still six weeks till St. Urho's Day
8. Forecast is no less reliable that the National Weather Service
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way
6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds
5. Unlike the Easter Bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside
4. As they used to say on the radio, "The Shadow Knows!"
3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney"
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him
1. In Canada, either way they come out ahead
The eye test
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an Eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
The 2007 List of Banned Words
Here are a few from the list:
GONE/WENT MISSING -- "It makes 'missing' sound like a place you can visit, such as the Poconos. Is the person missing, or not? She went there but maybe she came back. 'Is missing' or 'was missing' would serve us better."
PWN or PWNED -- Thr styff of lemgendz: Gamer defeats gamer, types in "I pwn you" rather than I OWN you. (I never did understand that one)
NOW PLAYING IN THEATERS -- Heard in movie advertisements. Where can we see that, again?
HEALTHY FOOD -- Point of view is everything. Someone told Joy Wiltzius of Fort Collins, Colorado, that the tuna steak she had for lunch "sounded healthy." Her reply: "If my lunch were healthy, it would still be swimming somewhere. Grilled and nestled in salad greens, it's 'healthful.'"
Text to speech
This could put phone sex lines out of business
She’ll say ANYTHING you want her to say…. and I mean anything.
Update: Here’s the link (DOH!) Text to speech.
Thanks Mac
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Family values
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got MARRIED, did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure,What was her maiden name?
NFL Orders Church to Call Off Its "Super Bowl" Party
Fall Creek Baptist Church in Indianapolis wants to host a Super Bowl party where they show the game on a big screen and church members gather to have some snacks, talk to friends and cheer on the Colts.
The NFL's lawyers have told the church in no uncertain terms to call off the party:
NFL officials spotted a promotion of Fall Creek's "Super Bowl Bash" on the church Web site last week and sent pastor John D. Newland a letter -- via FedEx overnight -- demanding the party be canceled.Initially, the league objected to the church's plan to charge partygoers a fee to attend and that the church used the license-protected words "Super Bowl" in its promotions.
Newland told the NFL his church would not charge partygoers -- the fee had been intended only to pay for snacks -- and that it would drop the use of the forbidden words.
But the NFL wouldn't bite. It objected to the church's plans to use a projector to show the game on what effectively was a 12-foot-wide screen. It said the law limits the church to one TV no bigger than 55 inches.
10 novel uses for your microwave.... without cooking
1 Get more juice out of lemons and limes, by softening them on high for 15-20 seconds.
2 Sterilize garden soil to make it fit to plant seedlings. Spread 400g soil on a flat dish and heat on high for 90 seconds or until steaming.
3 Get extra life out of a dried-up mascara stick by heating for 30-40 seconds on high - with a cup of water in the microwave beside it for safety's sake.
4 Dye up to 225g of material. Wearing rubber gloves, stir a packet of Dylon natural fabric dye with 200ml cold water in a bowl, add 400ml more water and immerse the fabric. Put the bowl inside a plastic bag in the microwave on high for four minutes. Remove, tip away the dye, and rinse the fabric in cold water. Wash in hot water, then dry away from direct heat or sunlight.
5 Dry herbs, on high for around 40 seconds. Wash them first and spread them on kitchen paper, with more kitchen paper on top.
6 Melt wax for removing leg hair, on 80% power for 10 seconds, assuming it's a full pot. Beware: it doesn't need to boil!
7 Zap fresh breadcrumbs to make them dry enough to coat food for deep-fat frying.
8 Warm plates - though not if they've got metal edges or decoration. Sprinkle each one with water and pile them up. Heat on high for around 30 seconds.
9 Sterilize jars for jam-making. Put up to six in the oven with about an inch of water in each. Heat for 1½ to 2 minutes, until the water comes to the boil. With oven gloves, remove from microwave, tip out the water and they're ready.
10 Make jelly faster than normal, by putting jelly cubes in a bowl or mould with four tablespoons of water on high for 60 seconds. Stir, then add the rest of the water, cold.
John Travolta's house
Located in Ocala, Florida, Jumbolair is probably the best known fly-in community in the world. One of the first purchasers in the development was actor John Travolta who keeps his own Boeing 707 in his garage. Jumbolair contains America's largest private airstrip, but it’s not the only airpark in the country. According to the "Living With Your Plane" Association, there are about 430 airparks with a total of 22,000 home sites in the United States.
Million Mouse March
From the Guiness book of records comes the world's worst and most destructive mouse invasion. Literally millions and millions of mice invaded just one farm alone in southern Australia and was captured on home video in 1993. It also lead to the largest mass poisoning. This is taken from the American TV show Guiness World Records: Primetime and aired 10 August 1998.
Bits and Pieces Disclaimer
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Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Old couple at church
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do you think I should do?"
He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Three good arguments
There are three good arguments that Jesus was black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He could not get a fair trial.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there are three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all are three pieces of evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
Top ten amazing things you didn't know about animals
From Live Science:
10. Crocodiles Swallow Stones for Swimming
9. Whale Milk Is Not On Low-Fat Diets – It’s 50% Fat
8. Birds Use Landmarks to Navigate Long Journeys – Maps?
7. For Beavers, Days Get Longer in Winter – They’re out from sun up to sundown.
6. Mole-Rats aren't Blind
5. Baby Chicks and Brotherhood – They tend to support one another
4. Many Fish Swap Sex Organs – (Sounds like a party to me)
3. Giraffes Compensate for Height with Unique Blood Flow
2. Elephants Do Forget, but They're Not Dumb – (Brain weighs 11 pounds.)
1. Parrot Talk More than Just Squawking – They’re smarter than you think
Frozen skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “OK, Get in the car with it.”
”Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm.”
”But what about the smell?”
”Just hold its little nose.”
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Thanks Phyllis
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
If the world was fair to guys.....
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the ass and a "thanks for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.
On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $20 off."
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."
The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.
"Sorry, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
"Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"
Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.
Vomiting after 20 beers would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.
When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone.
"Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman’s question of "Does my bum look big in this?"
Kids and Science
These are supposedly answers kids gave on science quizzes.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium co ntains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Undie surveillance
“Does my bomb look big in these pants?”
Officials are bracing themselves for a storm of public outrage over their controversial X-ray cameras scheme.
As part of the most shocking extension of Big Brother powers ever planned here, lenses in lampposts would snap “naked” pictures of passers-by to trap terror suspects.
Officials have agreed one solution would be to allow only women to monitor female subjects — although they admit this would be “very problematic” in crowds.
The memo says: “The social acceptability of routine intrusive detection measures and the operational response required in the event of an alarm are likely to be limiting factors.”
“Privacy is an issue because the machines see through clothing.”
Who Are They?
Under each pic is the year the photo was taken.
Click and drag between the < and > to view the names.
1969 < Willie Nelson >
1967 < Clint Eastwood >
1963 < Jack Nicholson >
1970 < Bill and Hillary >
1972 < Bob Dylan >
1968 < George W. Bush >
1972 < Michael Jackson >
1940 < Barbara Bush >
1969 < Robert DeNiro >
1970 < Candice Bergen >
1972 < Colin Powell >
1968 < Al Pacino >
1943 < J. F. K. >
Click and drag between the < and the > to reveal the name.
Click and drag between the < and the > to reveal the name.
50lb ice cube falls from sky and totals a Mustang
TAMPA - You probably see ice just about everyday—but not in a big block that has fallen from the sky and totaled a parked car.
But it happened on
Neighbors woke up to something they never thought they’d see.
“Came out to find a large piece of ice sitting on the car, and ice all over the place,” said neighbor John Young.
The damaged car, a Ford Mustang, belongs to Carlos Javage’s son.
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