Saturday, September 22, 2007
My wife - the caddy
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.
“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Please remain seated....
…with your seat belt fastened until the plane has come to a complete stop.
Pilot Robert Robertson sits in the remains of his plane, waiting for emergency services.
IT WAS like a scene out of a movie. A small cargo plane, flying over a busy highway, began losing steam and doing cartwheels in the sky over Florida.
Then it struck a warehouse, clipping its right wing, and crashed into a grassy swale on the side of the road — just metres from oncoming traffic.
The pilot of the fixed-wing twin-engine Beech 18, Robert Robertson, survived, with only minor injuries. The only person on board, Mr Robertson broke his left leg, left arm and nose and has a gash on his forehead.
"It was his lucky day," said witness Stewart McLeod. "The entire front of the plane was gone, and he was left sitting in his seat with his seatbelt on."
Mr Robertson, 34, had taken off from Fort Lauderdale Executive Airport to deliver a plane full of cargo — shoes, clothing, nonperishable items and tyres — to Nassau, Bahamas.
Within minutes he issued a mayday to air traffic control.
"The aircraft wasn't gaining altitude," said a spokeswoman for the Federal Aviation Administration. "Then, it went down."
The 43-year-old plane's cockpit was destroyed in the crash. Fire rescue crews were amazed to find Mr Robertson alive, said sheriff's office spokesman Mike Jachles. "There was no cockpit when they arrived on scene," he said. "He was breathing and conscious. He told the medics the engine cut out on take-off."
Charles Jules, a witness, said: "I was scared half to death. It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I mean it's a plane coming at you … Everyone thought he was dead. He was slumped over not moving. Then he slowly woke up, touched his head. He was disoriented."
Like fine wine?
I don’t know what kind of wine they’ve been drinking…..
Found this sign at my local Quik Trip.
Kansas City Chiefs fans
A guy walks into a bar wearing a Chiefs jersey, and carrying a cat that also has a Chiefs jersey on with a little Chiefs helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Chiefs game here? My TV is broke and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Chiefs kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."
Thanks Gene Will work just as good for most teams.
The bus
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!!"
Friday, September 21, 2007
Barber and the kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a quarter in one hand and two nickels in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the two nickels and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two nickels instead of quarter coin?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because THE DAY I TAKE THE QUARTER, THE GAME IS OVER.”
Modified a little from Dead Dog
Lady Golfer
Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday.
Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.
A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?”
They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.
They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.
The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.
The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “OK, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed. If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”
Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”
Efficient!
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made many separate trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying only a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
What makes us fart?
The answer may stink, but eating or drinking anything gives us gas. In fact, it's normal to fart up to half of a gallon (1.9 liters), or about 15 to 20 toots worth of gas, each day.
When we gulp down food, air comes with it. So if a belch seems rude, remember that the air has to leave our bodies one way or another.
Fragrant flatulence, however, comes from colonies of bacteria shacked up inside our lower intestinal tract (which is why it can take hours for gas to kick in after a meal). In the process of converting our meals into useful nutrients, these food-munching microbes produce a smelly by-product of hydrogen sulfide gas—the same stench that emanates from rotten eggs.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Good news and bad news
The bad news is that I lost my digital camera on my flight down from St. Louis to Fort Meyers FL. I changed planes in Orlando and when I got to the Fort Meyers airport I realized I didn’t have my camera. It is was a Sony ultracompact, so it fit nicely in my back pocket. I guess it still IS a Sony ultracompct, it just doesn’t fit in MY pocket any more.
I filed a report with the lost baggage folks at Southwest Airlines and the nice lady there made a few calls but no one turned it in. She took my number and said she’d call me if someone did. No calls. The worst part about it was that I had taken pictures of the grandkids while in Kansas City last weekend, and didn’t downlaod them to my PC.
The good news… I ordered a new camera. It’s a Sony T-200 with quite an array of features:
First off, the DSC-T200 has a nice 3.5" LCD screen. To make it even better, it is a touchscreen. More on this in a moment. Secondly, it does high def. Ok, so now to some of the neat features. Getting back to the touchscreen. You might be imagining that the touchscreen will allow you to select on-screen menus and what not with your finger. True. But it does more than that. You are actually able to simply touch the screen area that you want to focus on, and the camera focuses on that area. As recently as this past weekend, a picture I went to shoot with my previous camera was blurry. Why, because as I quickly went to shoot it so not to lose the moment, the camera focused on the handrail of my deck, rather than on the people playing in the driveway. I'm looking forward to the ability to focus via touch.
The camera also has face detection and smile detection. You can read all about it here, but let me say, this is incredibly cool stuff and practical. You can test is as well using the interactive flash demo too. I like the ability to select a face and have the camera not take a picture until that person smiles. This will be fantastic for shooting pictures of my kids. My youngest often needs to be cajoled into smiling for the camera. With the DSC-T200, you know the picture won't be snapped until a smile appears. Totally awesome.
Outside of the above "techy" features, the camera sports a good lens with a 5X optical zoom and a 25X digital zoom. Sony has used a Carl Zeiss Vario-Tessar lens, which is an outstanding lens. This model is an 8.1 megapixel camera similar CCD as the T100, which has been reviewed a producing great looking pictures.
For more info and a neat interactive flash demo click the link below.
Update: Links corrected and/or removed. But they all work if you click this link.
Virgin Mary image found in lemon
A bar owner was shocked on Tuesday morning when his son saw the face of the Virgin Mary in a sliced fruit.
Sam Nance said his son Marty exposed the Virgin Mary's face on a lemon he was cutting at the family's business, Texas Billiards.
"It kind of freaked me out," said Nance, a member of the Watauga police. I'm a detective, and I believe in facts."
When he looked at the lemon, he saw the face a little, but he said it wasn't until he snapped a picture that the face really showed up.
Nance is Methodist and his wife is Baptist. They don't attend church every Sunday, but they are saving the lemon in their freezer so others can see it.
"Some people sell that stuff on eBay," he said. "It's a lemon slice, for God's sake."
Looks more like Linda Blair from The Exorcist to me.
\ObJection!
O.J.’s biggest objection in his robbery case, is that he was being held without bail. He says that if he were anyone else but O.J., he would have been released.
If he were anyone else but O.J., he’d be serving life for double murder right now.
On a related note:
O.J. Simpson was arrested for armed robbery in connection with a break in at a Las Vegas hotel.
When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, “I still got it.” — - Conan O’Brien
Absolutely Cool Hot Tub
It’s one thing to have an outdoor viewable, waterproof LCD TV, but you can seriously up the bragging if that set is integrated right into your jacuzzi. For those that settle for only the best, Catalina Spas is offering up a “61-inch Theater Spa,” which not only seats four very comfortably, but it also includes a 61-inch LCD HDTV that “automatically stores along the side wall of the spa and raises and lowers for viewing.” Of course, considering that it’s “priced upon request,” you should probably bring the bank if eying this one with any level of seriousness.
I don't want to know!
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
The Adventures of Mr. Fly
A guy with too much time on his hands has come up with some interesting photos of a fly who is just trying to support his 173 wives and 2,184 kids.
Some sidenotes: The fly is not dead, and the pictures are not Photoshoped.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
A Very Long Nose
This pictured startled me in a way when I first saw it. It probably sounds completely crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize that the elephants trunk is really it’s nose and it has two nostrils. I don’t think I ever thought about that before…. and certainly never saw a picture of the trunk from this angle before. DUH! For some reason I just thought of it as one ‘tube’ that the elephant used to suck up water to spew all over people, and whatever else he uses it for. I know they use it to pick up things and put them into it’s mouth, but still…. I just never thought about it before.
Strange….. I feel so dumb.
It does make a difference. 
Left-handers on roll as numbers triple
Left-handedness has reached record levels, with a more than threefold rise over the past century in the proportion of those using their left hand to write.
A large-scale historical study of handwriting down the ages by academics at University College London (UCL) has found that the proportion of left-handers has gone up from 3% among those born more than 100 years ago to 11% today.
Chris McManus, professor of psychology at UCL, said the surge in left-handedness may be due to a reduction in attempts to coerce naturally left-handed children into using their right hands.
McManus’s team have reinforced the theory that left-handedness is growing by analysing film shot about 1900 which shows that only 16% of those living at the beginning of the 20th century used their left arms to wave, compared with about 24% of people today.
Previously experts had suggested severe discrimination against “gibble-fists” in the 18th and 19th centuries might have caused their numbers to fall - before left-handed numbers picked up again as the fashion for coercing left-handers faded in the latter 20th century.
Even into the 1960s some schoolchildren’s left hands were tied behind their backs to ensure they wrote with their right.
Belgium was for sale
Internet auction website eBay on Monday withdrew an unusual second-hand sale item, the country of Belgium, which had attracted an offer of 10 million euros (13.9 million dollars).
"Belgium, a kingdom in three parts" was posted on the Belgian ebay site as offering "plenty of choice" despite the caveat that it comes with "300 billion of National Debt."
Offered in three parts - Flanders, Brussels and Wallonia - the accompanying blurb said the kingdom "can be bought as a whole (not recommended)."
The vendor also included as added extras "the king and his court (costs not included)."
Ebay spokesman Peter Burin said the site could not host the sale of anything virtual or "unrealistic."
The 'vendor' was named as a former journalist, Gerrit Six. Offering his lot at an initial price of one euro, he saw 26 subsequent bids culminating in the 10 million euro offer on Monday before the auction was halted.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Quick Review: Brave One staring Jodi Foster
I went to see The Brave One with Jodi Foster tonight. If you cared anything about all the Charles Bronson vigillante films of a couple of decades ago, then you’ll like this one. It’s basically the same character. It is violent, but she does a great job of playing the part. I thouroughly enjoed it as did most of the people attending.
Off to Florida for a couple of days....
I’m off for a couple of days to visit my aunt in Florida. I’ll try to post while there. I should return home Thursday night.
Picture at right from my second all-time favorite movie “Airplane”.
Monday, September 17, 2007
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