Saturday, March 04, 2006
Ladies, maybe it’s you…and not him.100 worst porn movie titles
A few from 100 worst porn movie titles:
- DUDE, WHERE'S MY DILDO ?
- BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA
- GERANALMO
- MOULIN SPLOOGE
- SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN ... SHE'S A VAGITARIAN
- TOPLESS BRAIN SURGEONS
- K-FCK ... THE ONLY THING MISSING IS YOU !
- FAT THE BALD AND THE UGLY
- HITLER SUCKS
- AIRTIGHT GRANNY
- E-THREE THE EXTRA TESTICLE
- BUMPIN DONUTS
- H.R. MUFF N' STUFF
- MAY THE FORESKIN BE WITH YOU
- Beverly Hills 9021-Ho !
- 21 Hump Street
- Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy
- Shaving Ryan's Privates
- Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo
- Sperms Of Endearment
These were some of the cleaner ones. (View link at your own risk.)
Which road will you take?
The high road to New Hope… or the low road to you know where?
Hey, it’s an adventure! Be adventurous!
The foot flush
From MSNBC:
With deadly viruses and other infectious germs seemingly proliferating all around us, it's no surprise many of us are developing Howard Hughes-like aversions to anything that even hints of being unsanitary. That's why a Connecticut musician/inventor has produced a novel way to answer our calls of nature — the Foot Flush.
Singer/songwriter Eric Herbst — he says his songs have been recorded by Johnny Cash and B.B. King — came up with idea for the Foot Flush after performing in bars and nightclubs with dirty bathrooms. Herbst didn't want to touch the toilet handle, so he would flush with his foot. One day after a gig, he grabbed a bass drum pedal, some string, walked into his bathroom, and the rest is sanitation history.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Warning: Scam alert
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings - but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to EVERYONE you know.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT! THIS IS A SCAM - they only want to see you naked! I wish I'd gotten this yesterday; I feel so stupid now.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT! THIS IS A SCAM - they only want to see you naked! I wish I'd gotten this yesterday; I feel so stupid now.
Thanks Ronnie
Drunk flying pig
All in the name of science and aviation. They got this pig drunk and then shot him out of a cannon.
But all is well that ends well. The pig returned to earth safely.
He did have one hell of a hangover though.
Great movie alcoholics
Remember:
- Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas
- Dudley Moore as Arthur
- John Belushi in Animal House
- Robert Shaw in Jaws
- Dean Martin in Rio Bravo
- Peter O’Toole in My Favorite Year
- W.C. Fields in nearly every film he’s been in
- And the one I didn’t see here was Lee Marvin in Cat Ballou
Things we learn from the movies
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Which way is the schoolbus going?
Left or right?
A bunch of preschoolers all had the same correct answer. You decide which way you think it’s going and click here for the answer.
Warning: Sex is hazardous to your health
People are being treated for all kinds of sexual injuries. From a broken penis to broken blood vessels in their eyes. Yikes!
HOOOps .....err .... oops
If you’re one of the lucky ones who opened your morning Bryan-College Station Eagle on Thursday and found a large penis staring back at you, well, congratulations. No, it wasn’t one of the paper’s newer promotions (find the wiener, win a Mexican cruise!), just a goof by an editor who didn’t scrutinize the photo quite closely enough.
That’s Texas guard Daniel Gibson trying to guard Texas A&M’s Acie Law during their game on Wednesday — and either it was a very good fake by Law, or Gibson just doesn’t believe in the tyranny of underwear. Or both.
You can’t quite see the whole picture in that tiny photo … but never fear! The full-sized photo is after the jump. Oops.
The news paper says it’s not what it appears to be. Whatever it is…it’s funny.
Signature phrases
Can you name their source?
Here are just a few:
- "Allll-righty, then!"
- "And that's the truth!"
- "Bus driver... MOVE THAT BUS!!!"
- "Cleans like a white tornado!"
- "Cuchi-Cuchi!"
- "Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls!"
- "Get away from me kid, you're bothering me"
- "Good night, and good luck."
- "Great Caesar's ghost!"
- "I know nothing! Nothing!"
- "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."
- "Kick it up a notch!"
- "O-tay!"
- "Say good night Gracie.”
- "They're A-B-C-delicious!"
- "We're On A Mission From God"
Tricks of the trade
A lot of interesting tricks from people in the know. Here are a few examples:
From a travel writer: While traveling the rural areas of third-world countries, you may come across some very primitive toilet situations. To mask unpleasant odors, carry a mentholated chap stick and rub it under your nose before using the facilities -- it works wonders.
From a short order chef: Making toast? Start the toaster before you start looking for the bread, unwrapping it, and slicing it. That'll give the toaster a few seconds to warm up before you put the bread in, and your toast will be done that much sooner.
Winter pick-up truck driver: It's difficult to drive a pickup truck on slick winter roads because the light back end will fishtail. Shovel the snow from your driveway into the truck bed. You'll weigh down the back end and clear your driveway. When it warms up enough to not need the extra weight, the snow will melt and there's no clean up.
From a bookkeeper: If you are adding two columns of numbers that you expect to be equal and they are not, calculate the difference between the two sums. If the difference is divisible by 9, chances are you have made a transposition error on your adding machine (e.g. 365 instead of 356) when you punched in one of the numbers.
From a truck driver: If someone tailgates you, pretend that you are nodding off. It'll scares the bejesus out of most drivers, and they'll steer clear of you afterwards.
From an aquarium cleaner: A strong magnet inside of a rag or sponge placed on the inside of the tank can be guided around with another strong magnet from the outside.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Here's your sign
ONE:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could order 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO:
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE:
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
FOUR:
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
FIVE:
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX:
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT:
Police in Radnor, Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE:
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and that should be fine.
The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're stupid
Thanks Phyllis
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other
Willie Nelson has a new cowboy song out inspired by the Brokeback Mountain craze.
From a cat's secret diary
Day 483 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh food while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am ! capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
Thanks Phyllis
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Autistic Teen's Hoop Dreams Come True
A really great story from CBS News. Also a great video of this kid’s Hoop Dream coming true. Worth watching.
It was the stuff of Hollywood, but it was real.
Senior Jason McElwain had been the manager of the varsity basketball team of Greece Athena High School in Rochester, N.Y.
McElwain, who's autistic, was added to the roster by coach Jim Johnson so he could be given a jersey and get to sit on the bench in the team's last game of the year.
Johnson hoped the situation would even enable him to get McElwain onto the floor a little playing time.
He got the chance, with Greece Athena up by double-digits with four minutes go to.
And, in his first action of the year, McElwain missed his first two shots, but then sank six three-pointers and another shot (video), for a total of 20 points in three minutes.
I heard it through the church bulletin
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 2006 Teacher Award
The New Jersey Studies Academic Alliance was founded to encourage the teaching of New Jersey studies and to help teachers to more efficiently and thoroughly present the study of the state to their students. In the spring of 1999 the Alliance first initiated awards to recognize innovation and creativity in teaching New Jersey studies on the elementary, middle, secondary, and college level. Nominations are now being opened for recipients of the Seventh Annual Teaching Awards in New Jersey Studies.
Submit your nominations to this guy.
To: God... From: the Dog
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: I will try to do better so I can go to heaven. I promise...
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Thanks Phyllis
I was just getting comfortable with English
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Thanks Phyllis
Monday, February 27, 2006
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