Saturday, September 29, 2007
Creation of man
Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well ...you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."
Creation of woman
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'
'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.
'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy'
'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.
'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'
'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.'
'What's a 'woman', Lord?'
'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.
'Sounds great.'
'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'
'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.
'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.'
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'
The rest, as they say, is history.
Abe Lincoln's beard: The idea of an 11 year old girl
It was the fall of 1860. Abraham Lincoln was the Republican nominee for president of the United States. Election Day was less than a month away. Mr. Lincoln, a lifelong beardless man, received a letter written by Grace Bedell, an 11 year old girl from Westfield, New York. Written October 15th, 1860, the letter urged him to grow a beard. Unedited, Miss Bedell's letter read:
Hon A B Lincoln...Dear Sir
My father has just home from the fair and brought home your picture and Mr. Hamlin's. I am a little girl only 11 years old, but want you should be President of the United States very much so I hope you wont think me very bold to write to such a great man as you are. Have you any little girls about as large as I am if so give them my love and tell her to write to me if you cannot answer this letter. I have got 4 brother's and part of them will vote for you any way and if you let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin. All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husband's to vote for you and then you would be President. My father is going to vote for you and if I was a man I would vote for you to but I will try to get every one to vote for you that I can I think that rail fence around your picture makes it look very pretty I have got a little baby sister she is nine weeks old and is just as cunning as can be. When you direct your letter direct to Grace Bedell Westfield Chatauque County New York
I must not write any more answer this letter right off Good bye
Grace Bedell
And the rest is history.
Dangling bear rescued from California bridge ledge
A 250-pound bear stranded under a bridge near Lake Tahoe was saved by an army of rescuers, a tranquilizer dart and a nylon net bought at an Army surplus store.
It was walking across the span on Highway 40 near Donner Summit in the Sierra Nevada when at least two oncoming cars spooked it, causing it to jump over the railing.
At one point it was dangling over the edge of the 80-foot-high bridge, but it caught a ledge and pulled itself onto a concrete girder beneath the bridge.
Officials initially decided nothing could be done, but when they returned the next morning and found it sleeping on the ledge, they decided to take action.
Volunteers strung the net beneath the bridge and an animal control officer shot the bear with a tranquilizer dart.
After the bear lost consciousness, volunteers used a pole to push it into the net, then lowered the bear onto the floor of the granite-strewn ravine as more than 100 spectators cheered.
With slideshow and news video.
20 things you didn't know about Nothing
Nothing means no thing, not anything, something that has no existence. Nothing is commonly understood as the lack or absence of anything at all.
Colloquially, the term is often used to indicate the lack of anything relevant or significant, or to describe a particularly unimpressive thing, event, or object.
Here are just a few:
1 There is vastly more nothing than something. Roughly 74 percent of the universe is “nothing,” or what physicists call dark energy; 22 percent is dark matter, particles we cannot see. Only 4 percent is baryonic matter, the stuff we call something.
8 Black holes are not holes or voids; they are the exact opposite of nothing, being the densest concentration of mass known in the universe.
10 Any number divided by zero is . . . nothing, not even zero. The equation is mathematically impossible.
16 Current theories suggest that the universe was created out of a state of vacuum energy, that is, nothing.
17 But to a physicist there is no such thing as nothing. Empty space is instead filled with pairs of particles and antiparticles, called virtual particles, that quickly form and then, in accordance with the law of energy conservation, annihilate each other in about 10-25 second.
Friday, September 28, 2007
War casualties
A squad of Soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Fred Thompson is a bald headed, good-for-nothing, right wing extremist drunk who doesn't know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Rudy Giuliani!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Two-headed turtle comes out of its shell
Who's driving this thing?
The two-headed red slider turtle has turned up at a reptile center in Pennsylvania, where owners are amazed by its freak appearance.
The unnamed curiosity has two heads on opposite sides of a single shell, as well as six legs and a combined tail.
A collector in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, passed the freak of nature to Big Al's Aquarium Supercenter in East Norriton.
Jay Jacobi, the shop's exotic reptile manager, said: "The two heads seem to have their own thoughts, operating independently."
There are more photos and a news video on this page.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Walk on water
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Sven just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dummy, your father, grandfather and great-grand father were born in January; you were born in July.
Biker
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Thanks Gene
What are Twinkies made of?
America is well-known across the globe as a country with an obesity problem, a problem that's become so bad, our snacking habits have turned us into a so-called "Twinkie nation."
Over 500 million of the popular golden cakes are sold each year, but what exactly are they made of? CBS 2's Dr. Holly Phillips decided to dissect the anatomy of a Twinkie, worshiped today on sites across the Web and even on the big screen.
Dr. Phillips says there are 39 ingredients packed into the dessert, and all but one are processed.
The ingredients cellulose gum, calcium sulfate, and polysorbate 60 are also used in sheetrock, shampoo, laundry detergent, and even rocket fuel. Author Steve Ettlinger spent five years tracking down the source of every ingredient found in a Twinkie.
"I was surprised that so many not only came from petroleum, but at least five came from rocks," Ettlinger says.
The vitamins, artificial flavors, and colorings all come from petroleum. Phosphates from limestone make Twinkies light and airy.
"Sorbic acid is made from natural gas. That really blew my mind," Ettlinger says.
And the creamy middle?
"There is no cream in the cream, as they say. It's mostly Crisco," Ettlinger says.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
A doctor and a lawyer...
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However,their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this,the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do u do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them", replied the lawyer, "and then i send them a bill".
The doctor was shocked,but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Heaveny cars
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear!Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
Darth Cheney
This week Hillary Clinton referred to Dick Cheney as Darth Vader.
….And today he demanded an apology.
Not Dick Cheney - Darth Vader. He was very offended.
"Childrens do learn" - George Bush
Offering a grammar lesson guaranteed to make any English teacher cringe, President George W. Bush told a group of New York school kids on Wednesday: "Childrens do learn."
Bush made his latest grammatical slip-up at a made-for-TV event where he urged Congress to reauthorize the No Child Left Behind Act, the centerpiece of his education policy, as he touted a new national report card on improved test scores.
The event drew New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Education Secretary Margaret Spellings plus teachers and about 20 fourth and fifth graders from P.S. 76.
During his first presidential campaign, Bush -- who promised to be the "education president" -- once asked: "Is our children learning?"
On Wednesday, Bush seemed to answer his own question with the same kind of grammatical twist.
"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured," he said.
The White House opted to clean up Bush's diction in the official transcript.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The crash site
A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
"Well, did you see what happened?"
The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers
"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?"
The monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.
The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.
This is different. Walking the dog
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the> block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a> walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so> another dog is pushing her home."
Thanks Mary
What is it?
You throw away the outside.
You cook the inside.
You eat the outside.
You throw away the inside.
What is it?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Think before you wish
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
”I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke. ” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, ” says the man.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
Fun thoughts
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- So what's the speed of dark?
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
- If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
- If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
- What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
- Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
- Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
- Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we usethem?
- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
One bad-ass ass
A mule defends a dog that was attacked by a mountain lion in Montana. This bad ass killed the lion in a very short time.
More pictures and the story here.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
So, this bird walks into a store....
… and he steals a bag of Doritos and walks out.
A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.
The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking (so a camera was installed), and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of Doritos.
Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and becomes a feast, for other birds!
The seagull's shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the
store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.
Since then, he's become a "regular". He always takes the same type of chips.
Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips,... because they think it's so funny!
Thanks Gene
Canadian blonde
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Marketing explained
1 . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her:
"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"
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