Saturday, September 08, 2007
What Courses Women Want Their Men To Take
If women had control over what courses men should study. Following will be top 25 courses for that :
- You Too Can Do Housework
- Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
- How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
- Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
- Wonderful Laundry Techniques
- Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
- Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
- How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
- Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
- Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
- Reasons To Give Flowers
- How To Stay Awake After
- Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
- Anywhere But the Bathroom
- Garbage – Getting It To the Curb
- You – The Weaker Sex
- You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
- The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
- How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
- How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
- The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
- How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
- You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
- Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
- How To Take Illness Like a Man
Hunting...
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
"I guess I just panicked...."
Cow droppings Bingo
Two cows on a pitch marked into with 750 squares play cow droppings bingo in Ruswil, Switzerland. Spectators bet on which square cow droppings will land on.
School is Shcool
Maybe the sign painters need to go back to school…
A street near Northwood Elementary in Kalamazoo, Mich., has the word 'school' misspelled on the pavement. Crews were expected to correct the mistake Thursday. (AP Photo/Kalamazoo Gazette, Jill McLane Baker) (September 06, 2007)
Friday, September 07, 2007
Football season...
Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female, passed out drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Packer fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Vikings fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Bears fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police were called and when the first officer arrived, he conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Vikings cap and replaced it, writing down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Bears cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
The Bears fan was becoming annoyed and asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
“Well,” said the officer, “I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Bears cap.... you find an asshole.”
Note: You can substitute any team for the Bears to suit your own interests.
25 things women don't know
Women think they already know everything.
But wait…training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem…Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Puzzling
Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar.
They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.
"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued. They drank and carried on for hours.
Finally the bartender’s curiousity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.
"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.
"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed. "Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days and the box said 3-5 years!"
Hot and cold sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Bubba, Cooter and Gomer
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
Thanks Joe P
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Dusty underwear
One morning, Jeff took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. 'What the ? ? ?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Joyce,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She shot back: 'It's not talcum powder.'
It's 'Miracle Grow'.'
Thanks Gene
How many women?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly."How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Hospitals banning Crocs
Crocs, the fashionable plastic clogs, could be banned from all hospitals because it is feared they interfere with life-saving medical equipment.
The soles on the shoes are thought to generate static electricity which is strong enough to knock out respirators and machines in operating rooms.
They are now expected to be banned from the Sheffield Teaching Hospitals NHS trust in South Yorks, and other hospitals are set to follow suit.
The move comes after a hospital in Sweden reported malfunctions on respirators and other machines which they blamed on static electricity generated by the shoe.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
True stories from the Emergency Room
Here are just a couple:
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Four worms and a lesson...
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
Thanks Gene
No replacement has been named, says outgoing Director of Appointments.Damn wind...
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "damn wind!!"
The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death.
The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "damn wind!!!!"
20 things you didn’t know about death
Here are just a few:
3 No American has died of old age since 1951. That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.
9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.
14 Well, yeah, there’s a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.
19 If you can’t make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.
10 big lessons from little kids
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
- Franklin P. Jones
Have you ever watched a child completely engrossed in a project? They have the unusual ability to be serious about what they’re doing without taking it too seriously. You can do the same with your life. You can live every day with more focus, and every week with more motivation.
Here’s what every child knows that you may have forgotten. See if you can apply some of these lessons to your adult life.
1. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Even when there’s not a prize in the bottom of the box.
2. Homework blows. Bring work home with you and it’ll ruin your night. And your marriage. And your family. And your life.
3. The only way to know how something works is to completely disassemble it. (This is still good advice when tackling a complex problem. Your plasma TV? Not so much).
4. There’s a reason they don’t give credit cards to 8-year-olds. You’re supposed to save up money before you buy a new toy.
5. Asking questions is how you figure things out. Lots and lots of questions.
6. The coolest adults were the ones who took the time to listen to you. You still want to grow up to be a cool adult, right?
7. Your body was designed for throwing baseballs, shooting hoops, and jumping off diving boards and stuff. In the secret language of children, the word “fitness” doesn’t exist. It’s called “having fun.”
8. Playtime is important and laughter feels good.
9. Too much of anything will give you a tummy ache. Like, say, bourbon.
10. Try to be the friend you were when you were 12: fun-loving and loyal, with no strings attached.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Bubba's employment test
Bubba----applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba ! and said : "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on question #4, the Yankee put down, "I don't know.", and you put down, "Neither do I."
Thanks Donnie Mac
Patrial face transplants
A Photoshop contest by Freaking News. People were asked to perform partial face transplants on politicians and celebrities.
The right half of a face had to be from one celebrity and the left half from another. Here are a few examples:
Bill & Hillary Clinton
TomKat
Oprah & Condi
B&P reaches 3 million hits
While I was gone Bits & Pieces passed the 3 million hits mark. We have had almost 4.5 million page views also.
Thanks to you, the readers and commenters, for your participation.
Thank you….
Thank you…
Thank you.
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