Saturday, May 20, 2006
-For the first time in U.S. history, the cost of manufacturing both a penny and a nickel is more than the 1-cent and 5-cent values of the coins themselves. Skyrocketing metals prices are behind the increase, the U.S. Mint said in a letter to members of Congress last week.
-The Mint estimates it will cost 1.23 cents per penny and 5.73 cents per nickel this fiscal year, which ends Sept. 30. The cost of producing a penny has risen 27% in the last year, while nickel manufacturing costs have risen 19%.
Last year, the Mint's coin-making profit was $730 million. Mint officials estimate the added penny and nickel expenses will reduce the Mint's profit this year by $45 million.
Posted 4:59 AM
Computers can do many wonderful things – but did you know they can keep your drink warm too? At least they can if you've got a USB Hotplate. This ingenious little device plugs straight into your PC's USB port to create a heated coaster for your cup or mug. Now you need never let your coffee go cold while you're on the phone fobbing off some sales rep.
The USB Hotplate isn't just a hotplate though. It doubles up as a 4-port USB hub, meaning you won't have to disconnect anything vital to plug it in, and allowing you to use other USB-powered devices at the same time. It also saves you making several trips to the kettle; just get a bigger mug and keep one drink warmer for longer.
Actually, not a bad idea if it works.
Posted 4:55 AM
Friday, May 19, 2006
Curque du Soleil announced that it will produce a show based on the life and music of Elvis Presley. The company will also help design "interactive, multimedia museums," said a spokesman for CKX, the firm which owns Elvis Presley Enterprises.
The shows, which will feature the music of the legendary singer, are expected to tour Europe and Asia in 2008.
The museums will be called Elvis Experiences, but it is not yet known where they will be based.
The Cirque du Soleil team is the final process of producing a show, The Beatles Musical Legacy and Experience called Love, which will be staged in a special theater built at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The show open s in June of this year.
Posted 5:58 PM
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
Posted 5:21 PM
Tough love or spanking? How about a different technique?
Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.!
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Thanks Joe P
Posted 3:30 PM
Thursday, May 18, 2006
When cats walk or climb on your keyboard, they can enter random commands and data, damage your files, and even crash your computer. This can happen whether you are near the computer or have suddenly been called away from it. Only $19.95
This teaches your cat that getting on the keyboard is bad even if humans aren't watching.
When cats walk or climb on your keyboard, they can enter random commands and data, damage your files, and even crash your computer. This can happen whether you are near the computer or have suddenly been called away from it.
Posted 7:04 PM
Today is the happiest day of the year.
Experts found that people were more happy on May 18 because it is spring, the days are sunnier and longer and there is a Bank Holiday soon.
The most miserable day of the year is January 3 when thousands of people return to work after the Christmas break.
According to The Sun Skills minister Phil Hope said: "Spring is all about new beginnings. This time of year can give us all a renewed enthusiasm."
Posted 6:22 PM
ADELANTO, California - It was a sod story for a Mojave Desert homeowner whose entire front yard — grass, bushes and sprinklers — was hauled away by a thief.
The homeowner telephoned law officials to report the yard in front of his under-construction home on was gone, a sheriff's spokeswoman Staci Johnson said Tuesday.
Witnesses told the homeowner they saw the thief taking the sod, plants and irrigation system to a nearby residence, Johnson said.
David Roger Bowers, 34, was arrested at the home and booked for investigation of grand theft and possession of stolen property, the sheriff's spokeswoman said.
The landscaping materials were returned to the victim.
Posted 6:18 PM
This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this.. The grandson writes...
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Thanks Joe P.
Posted 5:49 PM
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in da Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006. Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Thanks Joe P
Posted 5:43 PM
Here are a few headlines from the last few days:
Deputy's Gunshot Just Makes Alligator Mad
Dog In Royal Palm Beach Killed By Alligator
Alligator Nuisance Hotline Getting Flooded With Calls
Bradenton Woman Shoots Alligator
Autopsy Shows Woman Attacked By Gator Died From Trauma, Drowning
Posted 5:49 AM
(An old one but still very funny when you read it.)
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Posted 5:35 AM
Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got some.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. (& I'll bring the cheese)
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because... you are my friend".
Send this to 9 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Posted 5:11 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors and begins to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says "Good morning Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.(Thinking isn't that obvious)
"You're in a restricted NO fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," came the reply as he left.
Posted 11:23 AM
Wife Charged for Attacking Husband…
(by squeezing his testicles so hard it put him in critical condition)
TIOGA-NICETOWN - May 17, 2006 - A Philadelphia woman is in police custody, accused of an attack against her own husband. Police say she grabbed him in a jealous rage so hard that he lies hospitalized and she is facing charges.
Police say the wife believed her husband, Howard Randall, was cheating on her. So, while he slept, police say the woman grabbed and squeezed a part of his male anatomy.
Randall was rushed to Einstein Hospital with severe bleeding. Doctors first labeled his condition critical but he is now listed in stable condition at the hospital.
His wife now faces aggravated assault and other related charges. At one point, authorities said she could have faced attempted murder.
Posted 10:59 AM
I have no idea if this is true, but it seems as plausible as anything else I’ve heard….. but I don’t think I’ve ever heard another origin of the word.
In ancient times a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got the consent of the King and the King gave them a stone sign that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The sign had F. U. C. K. written on it (Fornication Under Consent of the King).
Posted 9:55 AM
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Some people are like Slinkies…..not really good for anything, and you just can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-20 years). At Blockbuster you’re two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of US immigration.
Posted 9:50 AM
Flatulence is being blamed for bringing a hospital patient's operation to a fiery end.
The man suffered minor burns in a brief but "dramatic" operating theatre fire. He had gone into the Southern Cross Hospital in Invercargill to have hemorrhoids, or piles, removed and was singed in the "exceedingly rare" incident involving his own gas.
"This was thought to be flatus containing methane igniting," a health source told the Weekend Herald. "There was a sort of flashfire and that was it, but it was fairly alarming at the time."
Posted 9:29 AM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Dont worry that the world ends today; its already tomorrow in Australia!
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost
Posted 5:07 PM
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
Posted 5:04 PM
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Posted 4:38 PM
Something I never really thought about, but it makes sense I guess….
My partner and I are spending a long night in a rather old, expensive and very opulant hotel next weekend. Think four posters, venetian glass, tactile velvets, silk brocades, hand-printed wallpapers etc. OTT grand. While there we'll be indulging our kink for ropes and knots.
It turns out there is a nice Bose sound system in our room and I'd like to put together a little background music to cover the noise we'll be making ourselves.
So, music to tie one's lover up to? What would the Marquis listen to? Classical, baroque?? Or should we just drop in a Merzbow cd and really torture ourselves?
Posted 4:25 PM