Saturday, March 10, 2007
How to remove a cork from inside a wine bottle without breaking the bottle. Cool!Friday, March 09, 2007
Stimulation
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework assignment, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Question....
Why is it that drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store?
Bullwinkle brings down a chopper
Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a craft out of the air
Tranquilized — but not tranquil — moose charges chopper, brings it down
ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A helicopter is not necessarily a match for an angry moose.
Instead of lying down after being shot with a tranquilizer dart, a moose charged a hovering helicopter used by a wildlife biologist, damaging the aircraft's tail rotor and forcing it to the ground.
Neither the pilot nor the biologist was injured, but the moose was maimed by the spinning rotor and had to be euthanized, wildlife officials said.
Victoria's Secret
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer That it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday.
Thanks Joe P
Wine Rack
You’ve seen the Beer Belly for the men… now here’s something for the ladies:
Though the Beer Belly already allows you to smuggle liquor anywhere you're willing to look fat, it's not fair that you have to bear the booze burden alone. Have your lady carry her weight, with the Winerack.
Like its beloved patriarch, the Winerack undergarment incorporates stealthily slung, CamelBak-esque bladders to get sauce past even the most exhilarating admission frisks. But whereas the Beerbelly lends the wearer an air of grotesque obesity, because of the over-breast hooch sacks, this two-sizes-fits-most sports bra claims to convert underdeveloped gals into succulently busty women -- turning A cups into double Ds, and double Ds into sloshy surface-to-air missiles.
Unfortunately, the Winerack is still in development, but they desperately need beta testers to perfect it. In the spirit of science, email us pics of your girl -- the three most qualified will get test units, and their lucky guys will win Beerbellies for themselves. Then you and your GF can finally be equal partners -- completing one another in bulgy, inexplicable drunkenness.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Ancient Chinese torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A message to the youth of today.. from The Over 30 Crowd
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had To hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had To steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a Copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the Phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and Harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning.
Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, You spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up. we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire...imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and Shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it Too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards, The over 30 Crowd
If I had the time I’d write a rubuttal to the Over 30 Crowd from the Over 50 Crowd and tell them how EASY they had it. Slackers!
Thanks Pee Wee
A good salesman
An oldie but a goodie….
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65."
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.
"The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
Thanks Joe PBalloon art
These are very creative.
I got these at Mohawk Campfire, but I had a real hard time reading anything there. The background is a dark pattern and the text is dark. I’m not sure if it was designed that way or if there is something incompatible with my Firefox browser. But it sure is irritating. More creative balloon art is there… among other things, but it’s too had to view.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Pregnant at 62?
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his board.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you just told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
This little piggy .... is a tad strange
In the odd animals hall of fame, this little piggy takes the cake.
Pigs are a sign of fertility in China, and in the Year of the Pig, this piglet got more than his fair share, being born with two mouths, two noses and three eyes.
Liu Shuping, a farmer specializing in raising pigs, presented the new-born piglet in Xi an, in north-west China's Shannxi province yesterday.
But it's not unique. Only last month there were reports of a pig being born in Quanzhou in East China's Fujian province with two mouths and four eyes.
Come In / Go Away Doormat
It's got to be seen to be believed but from one side this really does read "Come In" and from the other "Go Away". And when you have finished marvelling at this remarkable feat of graphic design you can wipe the mud from your boots too!!
Dance Moves: An emergency guide for men
Do’s and Don’ts for the dance floor for men who want (or need) to dance but don’t know how.
101 jobs that will make you appreciate your own job more
You think your job sucks? It could always be worse. Take solace in this one truth: the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, sometimes it is brown, a little smelly, with feces strewn across the place.
You might be very lucky to have your job. I assure you that you will find some joy in your daily drudge after reading about these other jobs.
A visit to the gynecologist
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that,"
the doctor replied.!
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change!
Thanks Gary J
Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Thanks Mary
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
How do you wipe?
Are you like most? Front to back? Sitting or standing? Apparently a lot of people do it different ways.
Some guy did a lot of research. He even has charts on this.
There might be too much info here. But it is interesting… in a crappy sort of way.
If Abbot and Costello were alive today
Here is a script that might have appealed to Abbott and Costello if they were alive and performing today:
LOU COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ............
Overheard at the urinal
Two businessmen are at the urinals.
The first one says, "I'm going home for the day. Take care. You have a good one."
And the second one says, "Thanks. I didn't know you were looking."
The Thermos
This is probably my favorite blonde joke:
A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?"
The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos."
Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk.
So she buys one....
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What's that shiny thingy?"
She replies with authority, "It's a thermos."
"Oh," says he, "And what's it do?"
"Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
Kentucky baby
An Ol' Kentucky Boy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Kentucky baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the Kentuckian just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks like I said, my boy's a typical Kentucky baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of t hat typical Kentucky baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Kentucky father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Coors beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised."
Thanks Phyllis
Universal relativity
This gives you a great idea how small we are in the universe in relation to the other planets.
Antares is the 15th brightest star in the sky. It is more than 1000 light years away.
The universe is so vast it is not comprehensible by the human mind.
It would be like an ant trying to understand the wonders of the Internet. It can't be done.
The universe humbles us, as it should.
Thanks Phyllis
Monday, March 05, 2007
The scheme
Housework was a woman's job in the family ... but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ... well, Ralph was too tired."
Efficiency
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home.".
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Derek Jeter's new baseball card
Notice anything strange about Derek Jeter’s newest Topps baseball card?
Wait, is that George W. Bush waving to Mr. November as he takes a swing? Who knew that secret service would allow the president to sit in the regular box seats? And who’s that in the dugout? Did the Great Mickey Mantle decided to make a return to the living to catch a Yankees game? Talk about pressure!
Apparently somewhere between the final proofing and printing the cards, someone at the company thought it would be funny to put in Bush and Mantle. It was too late for Topps to change the card, so they just laughed and included the card in the set.
It’ll make a great collector’s card one day.
Hog wild about Wild Hogs
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Movie fans are going hog wild -- over "Wild Hogs." The new comedy about middle-aged bikers on a road trip opens at number-one, bringing in 38 million dollars over the weekend. That's nearly three times the take of the number-two film. And it's the Walt Disney Company's biggest March opening ever. It was also the largest-ever debut for John Travolta.
I’m going to see this Thursday with some biking friends. I think we’re going to dress in our biking gear.
Perjury
Two very elderly friends, Max and George, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day George didn't show up, Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after George hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where George lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old George had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat George!
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud George, what happened to you???"
George replied, "I have been in jail.
"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," George said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
Holy Shift! Turn your toilet into a 4-speed
As super car nuts, there shouldn't be any part of our lives left untouched by the machines we love most. We're guessing that's why the Down Shift toilet handle was invented. It's made (in America, btw) of lightweight aluminum and comes with all necessary hardware to turn your stock toilet into a 4-speed, manually-shifted lead-sled lavatory. OK, so it doesn't really give you four speeds, but there is a 4-speed shift pattern on top.
This is a perfect addition to your bathroom fixtures if you already have the carbon fiber toilet seat or even the full carbon fiber toilet. Oh, and the handle is much cheaper at $39.95.
Bra that turns into a shopping bag
When the bra is being worn, the ?shopping bag portions are folded away inside the bra cups, where they serve as extra padding. The bra quickly converts to a shopping bag by removing the bag portions from the cups and connecting the hooks on the bra?s underwire. The lace cups serve as decoration along with the shoulder straps, which are disconnected and tied to the top of the bag as ribbons.
Psychopath test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
(Think of the answer before you check it out.)
Drag your mouse between the rows of asterisks to see the answer:
************************************************************************************
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list.
************************************************************************************
Sounds logical to me....
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said , "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Thanks Joe P
Sunday, March 04, 2007
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