Saturday, April 08, 2006

Weight loss program

RichardsimmonsA  guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."   Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.   The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.   On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.! as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.   She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."   Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can't continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.   Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.   "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely ," he replies, "I  haven't felt this good in years."   The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

Thanks Fishy Mary

Sponge Bob Blue Eyes

Spongebob eyes


An intruder



Important Notice



Create your own Dummies Book

BitsandPieces for dummies

Create your own Dummies Book cover.


Friday, April 07, 2006

Rhino Kid



Having a bad day?

Bad day diner having sex


Impolite things to say at a wake

Casket* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?
* Who do I talk to about his bar tab?
* Of course you'll miss him, he didn't molest you.
* How long you think until he starts to stink?
* Wow! Other than his wife, is there anyone in this room he didn't bang?
* Say what you will, Madame Toussot does nice work.
* It's weird not seeing him drunk.
* I always thought he was gay.
* Isn't that suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?
* So now that you're a widow, what do you do? Masturbate?
* I was there when he died. Man, what a baby

From  via

Sounds like a hygeine problem to me

Found in today’s St. Louis Post Dispatch newspaper and online here

Two outer rings detected around Uranus

Two outer rings, one red, the other blue, have been observed around the planet Uranus.

The rings were found by a team led by Imke de Pater of the University of California at Berkeley, and reported in today's issue of the journal Science.

Through the mind of a child

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!  That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.  So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.  Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.  He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother.  The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.  Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.  The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.  "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.  "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.  "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out" What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

Thanks Phyllis

What a way to go

Platform edge


Short password


Investing for your retirement

Bag-of-moneyIf you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

Thanks Phyllis

An Irish virus

Irish virus


A brave (or crazy) soul



Healthy diet Q & A

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

Thanks Faybian

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A fight breaks out

The fight


Little Zachary

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything...  Tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.In short, everything They could think of to help his math.  Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.  After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother "hello."
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.  Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.  His mother was amazed.  She called him down to dinner.  To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.  Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.  He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math.  She could no longer hold her curiosity.  She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?  Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.  "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?  "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Thanks Phyllis

Newspaper man



Canadian Lay An Ass Gallery



Play ball !

 Baseball"Baseball season begins this weekend... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids... And that's just in the hot dogs."
-Dave Letterman


Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed

I heard this story years ago and it is very funny.



Doggy bag



The pirate

Pirate4A one eyed, one legged, hook-handed pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender asks how he lost his leg. The pirate replies that a shark bit it off.

The bartender asks the same of his hand, to which the pirate replies that he lost it in an epic swordfight.

Finally the bartender asks how he lost his eye, and the pirate replies that a seagull shat in it.

The bartender seems confused and asks how seagull shit could take out an eye.

The pirate says it was his first day with the hook.


A new way to breathe underwater?

Breathing baby


Excedrin headache #1

Brick headache


At Home Lasik Surgery

This can’t be for real… Can it?

LasikIn the past, LASIK surgery was an expensive procedure that could only be performed by skilled professionals in a doctor's office or eye clinic. Often costing upwards of $1000 per eye and almost never covered by insurance, Laser-Assisted In Situ Keratomileusis (LASIK) was beyond the reach of most Americans.

Now the revolutionary LASIK@Home system makes clear vision affordable for everyone.

Read more.


An oldie but a goodie

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat.  As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
 He swallowed hard.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention? 
"Lecture," she responded.  "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
 "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck.  Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you.  I don't even know your name."
 "Tonto", the man said.  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Thanks Phyllis

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

First game at the new Busch Stadium in St. Louis

I and a group of friends were some of the first to see a baseball game at the new home of the St. Louis Cardinals last night.   The fact that it was an exhibition game between two Cardinal minor league teams didn’t matter much as were really were there to see the new ball park.  I think I like it.



More ball park pictures here.

Lucky mouse

Little Pet Pete


Turn a single socket into a chandelier

Grab a few of these…


Screw ‘em together and walla….


Bicycle stunt

Flying through the air with the greatest of ease
My ass is on fire, oh would you help me please.


Everybody's got one


Picture made of 1200 assholes  Click on the picture if you dare (Then click on the picture that appears.)


Every 28 days



Cool Harley ad - Stop Dreaming



Cell phones are much more convenient now-days



Fresh Dubya declarations

BushA website featuring the 15 most recent Dubya declarations.

Here are a few examples:

  • One of the great things about America, one of the beauties of our country, is that when we see a young, innocent child blown up by an IED, we cry.  -- Dubya stakes solo ground for the U.S. that is shared by many. Beauty... Washington, D.C., Mar. 29, 2006
  • We support the election process, we support democracy, but that doesn't mean we have to support governments that get elected as a result of democracy.  -- Dubya presents his take on the sanctity of democratic election results, Washington, D.C., Mar. 29, 2006
  • One of the interesting things about Katrina, as you well know, is many of the people displaced did not own their own homes, that they were renters.  -- Yeah, that's... interesting... Cleveland, Ohio, Mar. 20, 2006
  • The people of the city still have many challenges to overcome, including old-age resentments that still create suspicion  -- I think he's looking for "age-old", but his version is more fun. Cleveland, Ohio, Mar. 20, 2006
  • We need nukyular power, in my judgment. It's a renewable source of energy that doesn't create greenhouse gases.  -- No matter how many times he claims that nuclear energy is renewable, it still isn't true... Washington, D.C., Mar. 10, 2006

Read more here


A hotter hot pepper - 60% hotter than the hottest habanero

Dorset nagaJoy and Michael Michaud have grown the hottest chili in the world in a polytunnel behind their West Bexington home.

The chili - the Dorset Naga - is so hot it went off the scales when first measured for its heat in an American laboratory.

The Dorset Naga is nearly 60 per cent hotter than the one currently recorded as the hottest in the Guinness Book of Records.

…The chili went off the scales and the lab rant the tests twice - because they couldn't believe the results.

Those results should a Scoville heat unit of 876,000. The record in currently held by a Red Savina Habanero with a rating between 350,000 and 570,000.

Read more.

Order here


A tad drunk

SunriseA guy got home from a bar, piss drunk. He went up to his room, looked out the window, and noticed that the sun was gone, and it was dark.

He was so drunk he couldn't figure out where the sun went, and he got really worried! He thought and he thought, but no luck.

He was so worried that he ended up standing there all night before it finally dawned on him!


A knee to the face - Ouch



How do you poo ?

  • Toilet sit40% fold tissue paper before using and 60% crumple
  • 77% inspect the tissue after each wipe
  • 55% say they bend over forwards when they sit on the toilet
  • 19% sit upright when they sit on the toilet
  • 31% always inspect what they left behind
  • 18% never inspect what they left behind
  • 58% wipe from front to back
  • 18% always use an air freshener (or light a match) afterwards
  • 65% pee sitting down
  • 4% never wash their hands after using the bathroom

Take the Bathroom Habits Survey

Our strange lingo

While driving home from work yesterday, I was thinking  about writing about this very subject, and lo and behold I found this on The Presurfer this morning.

We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I read it once and will read it again
I learned much from this learned treatise.
I was content to note the content of the message.
The Blessed Virgin blessed her. Blessed her richly.
It's a bit wicked to over-trim a short wicked candle.
If he will absent himself we mark him absent.
I incline toward bypassing the incline.

More on our strange English language here.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Piggyback ride



Beer for ladies

Beer for ladies – a testimonial

Beer for ladies



Delay picFrom

"I'm going to announce tomorrow that I'm not running for reelection and that I'm going to leave Congress," DeLay, who turns 59 on Saturday, said during a 90-minute interview on Monday.

So you’re  announcing it today that you’re going to announce it tomorrow.   Hmmmmm.    

 Anyone else confused?

Read the rest of his announcement today about his announcement tomorrow.





Skull_150sA lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!".

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

Thanks Phyllis

A satisfied customer

Dear Tide Company,

TideI am writing to say what an excellent product you have!  I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.  
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new blouse.  

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.  One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on
my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.  

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!  In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.  

What a relief!  Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!  I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.  

Well, gotta go.  I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.  

Thanks Phyllis

A woman drawn from the inside out

A very interesting animated drawing of a woman from the inside out.

Woman drawn


Monday, April 03, 2006

Peanut butter pup

Dogs do like Peanutbutter


Belly Pong

Belly pong


30 years of Apple computers

I was an early Apple user.   I had both of these early Apple computers.   I got one of the first Macs available in St. Louis.   I’ve since converted to Windows PC’s.  I still have an old iMac, but I have trouble trying to figure out how to use it.  It used to seem so intuitive.   I guess, as with anything else, use it or lose it.   

1977 - Apple ][   While the Apple I may have been a great toy for computer hobbyists, the Apple ][ was something entirely different: it was the first successful mass-market personal computer. First released in 1977 with just 12K of ROM and a maximum 6-color screen resolution of 280 x 192, the Apple ][ took the computing world by storm. The computer remained a mainstay of Apple's product line even after the first Macs were released; the last version, the ||gs, was released in 1986, and looked a lot like the first Mac II (which was released the following year -- by then, Apple had also developed a Mac-like GUI for the earlier computer). With its bundled software, relatively affordable storage via cassettes and floppies, the original ][ and its offspring became popular with corporate users and students alike (you'll still find some of them deployed in schools around the country). By 1981, when IBM launched its first PC, Apple was the undisputed leader of the PC market, with an income of about $300 million, all fueled by the ][. Within a few years, of course, IBM (and, more importantly, cloners such as Compaq) dominated the market, and the ][ became known mainly as a tool for students. But the ][ proved that there could be a mass market for computers, and helped spur the entire computer revolution of the 1980s.

 1984 – Macintosh  The original Mac, hyped in the classic "1984" commercial and formally introduced by a bow-tied Steve Jobs at Apple's 1984 shareholders' meeting (where the computer quipped about how glad it was to be taken out of Steve's bag), really did change the world of personal computing. Though GUI-based computers had been available earlier (including on Apple's own Lisa), the first Mac brought the concept to the masses. And while the original Mac was underpowered (no hard drive, just 128K RAM) and overpriced ($2,500), it was cheaper than competing GUI-driven computers (uh, that would be Apple's Lisa, again) and more intuitive and user-friendly than most other PCs, which were still using MS-DOS. Though the Mac never garnered a level of market share comparable to DOS (and later Windows) based computers, its influence on the industry was indelible.

 I’m afraid to tell you how much I paid for my first hard drive fro my Mac.  It held a whopping 20 megabytes of data too.

More on 30 years of Apple products at