A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.! as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can't continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely ," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
Thanks Fishy Mary
* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?
NUDITY 
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
"Baseball season begins this weekend... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids... And that's just in the hot dogs."
A one eyed, one legged, hook-handed pirate walks into a bar.
In the past, LASIK surgery was an expensive procedure that could only be performed by skilled professionals in a doctor's office or eye clinic. Often costing upwards of $1000 per eye and almost never covered by insurance, Laser-Assisted In Situ Keratomileusis (LASIK) was beyond the reach of most Americans. 
A website featuring the 15 most recent Dubya declarations.
Joy and Michael Michaud have grown the hottest chili in the world in a polytunnel behind their West Bexington home.
A guy got home from a bar, piss drunk. He went up to his room, looked out the window, and noticed that the sun was gone, and it was dark.
40% fold tissue paper before using and 60% crumple
From 
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? 
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. 
On Wednesday, April 5th, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 In the morning, the time and date will be:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. 
Once upon a time the government had a scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said," Someone may steal it at night."So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at $18,000.00 a year for the job.
The Whoopie Cushion is for whimps!! 
«We will bury you.» 
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into th! e house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."