Thursday, May 19, 2005
15> "Okay, let me get this straight: George Bush is president and we're at war with Iraq. Woo-hoo, I've traveled backward in time!" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Biggest Surprise Upon Awakening From a 10-Year Coma... 1> Finding out you have a son in kindergarten. via Topfive.com
14> There's a whole lot more Kirstie Alley than you remember.
13> You've still got the moves, but your Dancing Judge Ito bit just doesn't slay them like it once did.
12> "You've been feeding my Tamagotchi while I was out, right?"
11> That staff meeting to discuss the new logo finally did wrap up.
10> Good news: The hospital staff rolled you over to prevent bed sores.
Bad news: Quentin Tarantino filmed a movie on your floor.
9> "So when does O.J. get out of prison?"
8> Bored nursing staff + perpetual coma patient = pubic hair topiaries
7> "The Red Sox did what?!?" [*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...*]
6> "I can't wait to see Windows now that all the bugs have been worked out."
5> Remember those adorable, innocent little Mouseketeers named Britney and Christina?
4> A 10-year-old morning glory is big enough to poke your eye out.
3> That Twinkie you had in your pocket is all ready to go for a post-coma treat!
2> For less than $500, you can get Hootie and the Blowfish or Boyz II Men to play at your party!
15> "Okay, let me get this straight: George Bush is president and we're at war with Iraq. Woo-hoo, I've traveled backward in time!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Biggest Surprise Upon Awakening From a 10-Year Coma...
1> Finding out you have a son in kindergarten.
Posted 8:56 PM
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him ”Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and thentripped over the coffee table and farted."
Posted 8:42 PM
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Sniglet (snig'lit) - n. Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.
Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) - adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Aquadextrous - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Beavo (bee' vo) - n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.
Blooage (blew' ij) - n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S pad.
Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.
Fictate (fik' tayt) - v. To inform a television or screen character of impending danger under the assumption they can hear you.
Flopcorn (flop' korn) - n. The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
Idiot Box - n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Mittsquinter - n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
For more sniglets click here.
Posted 9:21 AM
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to appeal to aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face |
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
Posted 7:13 PM
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see it Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
Posted 7:08 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Me and an auto parts store sign in Port Charlotte FL.
While in Port Charlotte Florida this week I came across much damage that hasn’t been touched since Hurricane Charley stormed through the area on Friday the 13th of August 2004. There were lots of blue tarp roofs spread about the area. They say it will be five years before all the effects of Charley are gone.
Posted 11:36 AM