Takin' a break

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Now that's an ice cream cone

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Now this is interesting art

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Curious about Curious George's rear end?

St. Louis St. Patrick’s Day Parade.  We had beautiful weather for the parade.   Mid 70’s and sunny… almost hot.   The Weather Service was predicting severe storms later in the evening.

Higher perch

Kids climbed the trees to get a better view of the St. Louis St. Patrick’s Day Parade.  The police came along and made them get out of the tree.

Silly blondes....

St. Louis St. Patrick’s Day Parade

St. Patrick's Day Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

 

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM	CAUSE	CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass Being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper Bladder Control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear	It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up	Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup	You're in the ladies' room	Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in	You've wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk	a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy	Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps	You're in a gay bar	Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar

Thanks Phyllis

It's the real thing

Separated at birth

Is this a legal wrestling move?

You can just see the brain cells disappear

Western Limo

 

Romantic poetry

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Thanks Phyllis

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States

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The man behind the scenes

It’s Cos!

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Lights Out: The beginning of something wonderful

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Good answers to... "Why aren't you married yet?"

Here are a few:

• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• Why aren't you thin?

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

More answers

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Foul play

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Brokeback Mountin' Animal Cracker

(Yeah, I know I spelled Mountain wrong.  It just seemed to be the right way in this instance.)

You can buy the Brokeback Animal Cracker on eBay.

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Let the party begin

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You can still go to the prom if your pregnant

And I thought I’d seen it all.  Now I’ve seen more than I wanted to.

From  via

Guidelines for cats

Here are just a few:

• Bathrooms:  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.
• Chairs and Rugs:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
• Humans: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
• Toys:  Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

Read the complete list.

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Andy Rooney can't hold a candle to this person

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Peel a potato in one quick move

Here’s a short video that shows how to quickly strip a potato of its peel after cooking.

All that is required is a paring knife, bowl of ice water and ten seconds.

(Audio is in Japanese, but you don’t need to hear it, it’s easy to understand how to do it. )

I’m going to try this.

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Juggling to music

Worthy video of juggler Chris Bliss and his balls.  

Make sure your sound is on as you watch this.

           Update:   fixed the link.  Should work now.

(The picture at right does no justice to this man’s talents.)

Thanks Ronnie

This is just not right

Thanks Phyllis

Pimple popping for fun and profit

I was kidding about the profit part.

You can choose from face or butt pimples too.

Pop some pimples now.

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Getting into shape

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in good shape since playing on my High School football team 44 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men'sroom.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Thanks Phyllis

You are SO in my bed.....

Thanks Phyllis

Photography is so interesting... so many angles

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This ain't leap frog

And it’s not a doggy train either.

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6 pack of Piss

Piss Beer, that is….

Aussies have been on the piss, getting pissed, drinking piss, drinking more piss and, most definitely, taking the piss for the past two hundred years.  The amazing thing is none of us thought to bottle it earlier. (Too busy getting pissed, probably.)

Piss first came to life in 1998 as the house beer at popular Melbourne watering hole, the Great Britain Hotel. Like big volume Aussie brews such as Fosters and XXXX, Piss is a simple lager style beer.  Unlike the mass market brews, our Piss is preservative free and made with all natural ingredients.  -  Piss shot to national prominence in mid 1999 when a couple of freelance admen, Greg Wilmott and Giovanni Lovisetto, mocked up a series of TV ads for a show reel they were putting together and, in the great aussie tradition of taking the piss, pitched it to the major dailies as a full blown launch.  Most of the images on this website are taken from their much celebrated body of work.

Available in Australia and the Unitrd Kingdom, but not the USA so far.

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Print your own Monopoly money

Like I said, Print your own Monopoly money.  (Update:  Link fixed)

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How to make a money box

This box made from two bills. The bills/box can be the gift itself, but it is also just about the right size for a ring box. (Perhaps a dollar-bill ring?)

Get yourself two fairly new, crisp bills. Older "soggier" bills are much harder to work with. For this design to work, the folds should be very precise, and perpendicular to the edges of the bill if the resulting is to be retangular.

Then follow these instructions.

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911 - Check this out...creepy!

• 1) New York City has 11 letters
•  2) Afghanistan has 11 letters
•  3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters
•  4) George W Bush has 11 letters

....This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

•  1) New York is the 11th state
•  2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11
•  3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers---9 + 2 = 11
•  4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65
  passengers---6 +5 = 11
•  5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known---9+1 +
  1 = 11
• 6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone
  number911---9 + 1 + 1 = 11

 ....Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

•  1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254--- 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
• 2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year, again 2 +5+ 4=11
•  3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004---3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 =11
•  4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident

 ...Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:

 "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.
The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allahand lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced:for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."
...That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

...Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you  feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

 Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

 1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the  first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers  2. Highlight the Q33 NY  3. Change the font size to 48  4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

(I did it for you)

 

Thanks Gary J

Blonde has "blonde moment" while speeding down the highway

“My Blonde Moment”

Updated: 11:39, Thursday March 09, 2006

A woman fined for applying her make-up with both hands while driving has defended her actions, saying she was having "a blonde moment".

Donna Marie Maddock, 22, said she simply wanted to look her best for a date.

She told The Sun: "It is what I would call one of my blonde moments. I am so blonde it is untrue when it comes to things like that.

"I must have looked like Penelope Pitstop driving along slapping the make-up on, but it's something all women do - I can't see what the fuss is about."

Read more here.

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Political correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."    You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

 And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN"
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She ! does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING- DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED"
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE".

Thanks Phyllis

Kid's Science Exam Answers

If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Thanks Phyllis

 

Two can play this game

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Almost a perfect dive

Unfortunately named authors

I’ll repeat it: Unfortunately named authors

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I really would change my name

From the Eastern Illinois Panthers, we present 5 ft 9 in,, 208 lbs, Linebacker Lucious Pusey. 

Lucious?

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Elephant smacks ditzy woman

Woman Enters Exhibit, Elephant Smacks Her

WACO, Texas — A 25-year-old woman climbed past barriers and into an elephant's zoo exhibit, then crawled out with minor injuries after the 6,000-pound animal smacked her with its trunk.

"That's how an elephant reacts to something they would perceive as a threat," said Cameron Park Zoo director Jim Fleshman.

After saying she wanted to play with the elephant, the woman climbed over a 3-feet-high wood-and-wire fence, scaled an 8-foot-tall artificial rock structure and bypassed an electric wire before jumping into the exhibit Thursday afternoon, Fleshman said. A moat extends around most of the exhibit.

After the woman got out, fire and emergency crews took her to a hospital with minor injuries, including scrapes on her side and arm. Waco Fire Capt. Greg Kistler said the woman, whose name was not released, was visiting the zoo with a child and another woman.

Read the story

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50 fascinating celebrity facts

Here are just a few:

• 47. Matthew Perry is missing part of his middle finger on his right hand due to a door-shutting accident.
• 43. Even though she appears in ads for Tommy Hilfiger's True Star fragrances, Beyonce is reportedly allergic to perfume.
• 29. Tom Cruise admits that he still does the Risky Business underwear dance when hes at home alone. He calls it his "dance of freedom".
• 28. As a child, Jim Carrey wore tap shoes to bed just in case his parents needed cheering up in the middle of the night.
• 22. Comic actor Jack Black is the son of rocket scientists. His mother worked on the Hubble telescope, and his father worked on "some stuff that i can't tell you about," Jack says.
• 19. Paris Hilton has size 11 feet! "All those super cute shoes like Guccis and Monolos look like clown shoes on me"
• 17. Madonna is related to both Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion.
• 01. Brad Pitt belonged to the Key Club and the Forensics Club in High School, and before he became an actor he supported himself as a chauffeur, a furniture mover and a costumed mascot for the restaurant, El Pollo Loco.

The complete list

Some awesome tips

• A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...)
• Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
• For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
• To remove old wax from a glass candleholder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candleholder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.
• Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
• Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
• Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
• Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body? LOL
• Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
• Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
• Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
• Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
• To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
• To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
• Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
• Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
• When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
• Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
• Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine? What's that? :>)
• To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
• Ants, ants, ants everywhere .... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
• Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
• When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
• Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........ Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
• Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
• Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
• Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
• Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
• Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely) information on to a friend! I just did. Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?

Thanks Mary

A lesson in etiquette

Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said.

The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Paul, how would you say it?

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

Thanks Joe  P

Dollars and Sense in New Orleans

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your tax money.

 

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

a.  A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.  A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.  A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.  A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
e.  A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans:  it's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.

Interesting number, but what does it mean?

Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516, 528.

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1, 329,787.

 

Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C., are all your calculators broken?

Maybe everyone should just flood their houses, then we can all be on the "big easy" street for the rest of our lives, and forget about working, and paying taxes and all that useless stuff!

 

Thanks Ronnie

Don't worry... Be happy

Self made raincoat

Microsoft's hidden settings

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Difference between men and women

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Furr ball in the corner hole

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Ideal computer?

For some, maybe.

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10 reasons not to jog

• 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
• 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
• 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
• 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
• 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my cocktail glass.

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Did you know there is a sawed-of shotgun on the Space Station?

Why is there a sawed-off shotgun on the International Space Station?  To fight Alien invaders?  In case of war on Earth so the Cosmonauts can kill the US Astronauts? NO.

Read the following paragraph and you will see that Russians take the Wolf problem very

seriously:

“In 1965, two cosmonauts overshot their touchdown site by 1,200 miles and found themselves deep in a forest with hungry wolves. That's when Russian space officials decided to pack a sawed-off shotgun aboard every spacecraft.  It took Russian search crews more than two hours to locate the spacecraft and another two hours for helicopters to get support  crews to the landing site.”

(The above paragraph is from the May 6th, 2003 CBSnews.com article “Astronaut Enjoys Wild Ride To Earth” on the return of US Astronauts in a Soyuz spacecraft leaving from the International Space Station after the loss of Space Shuttle Columbia)

Link

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Edgar bites the dust

Fan’s of 24 were shocked when Edgar didn’t make it back to safety in time to save himself.  Apparently he succumbed to nerve gas that the terrorists had planted at CTU.   Or did he?  We don’t actually know that he was killed.  We’re assuming that.   Maybe, just maybe, there was a gas mask under the desk and he saved himself.   Doesn't look promising though.

Here are some comments about Edgar Stile’s demise on last nights episode from Blogs4Bauer.com:

• Do we count him as 2 bodies on the Jack Bauer Kill Counter?
• YAY! More space for the rest of us.
• it's a lesson to us all. if you're a fatass, you can't outrun nerve gas.
• He's gone to that big server room in the sky...  Either that, or the big donut shop in the sky...
• In memory of Edgar. From this day forth, a single donut shall go uneaten every day so that Edgar's spirit does not starve!
• Edgar's death means only one thing.  Tony Soprano is the brains behind the whole operation.  He got revenge for Truffle Shuffle making Big Pussy into an informant.
• Oh my god, they killed Edgar.  YOU BASTARDS!
• I just want to know one thing. Why wasn't every station at CTU equipped with masks? - 1 word: FEMA
• Dead-gar
• I cried, It was an awful thing to happen to Edgar. After I cried I punched myself in the face, because that is what Jack would do.
• Jack should have shot Kim's new boy just get his anger level down to "Threat/Torture Level - Red"

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Thanks Phyllis