I’ll be away for a boys weekend at Lake of the Ozarks with some buddies the next day or two. Weather is supposed to be great. I have plenty of beer in the cooler… and my lawyer’s phone number. I’m all set.
Should be home Sunday afternoon.
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman."Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
Posted 7:15 PM
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707....
Posted 6:53 PM
Posted 6:27 PM
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue i s forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Thanks Joe P
Posted 3:13 PM
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Posted 5:55 PM
This article brings up lots of questions:
Why are they on the lookout for him if he was caught?
Why was the cow wearing only black briefs?
What did the passerby shout?, “Hey, stop screwing that cow.”
The breeder was udderly stunned… how do you think the cow felt?
Is Blondie the barn slut?
Posted 5:48 PM
There once was a young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Posted 6:48 PM
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
1. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Posted 6:42 PM
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Posted 5:53 PM
Fast trip huh? Actually, I didn’t go. I got to the airport about 6:30 this morning for an 8:05 flight. I went through the longest security checkpoint line I’ve ever seen (and I fly about 10–12 times a year). After clearing security, I went to the monitors to see which gate my flight left from. I didn’t see my flight listed on the monitor so I went up to a counter, thinking they changed the flight number. I handed the lady there, my boarding pass and told her I didn’t see my flight listed on the departure monitor.
She said… are you ready for this……………….. ( you know what’s coming don’t you?) ………. “Sir, this is a 8:05 PM flight.”
They had a 9:00 AM flight to Tampa, but it was sold out. I could get put on a standby list for that flight, but…. “Oh my, you have a really great fare on your original 8:05 PM flight ($69.40). You’d have to pay an upgrade to change flights. It would cost you an additional $180 to upgrade.” There was no guarantee that I’d even get on that flight. The next flight wouldn’t leave until after noon.
I called my aunt and told her I wasn’t going to come unless she really needed me to. She said she understood. I have another flight set for mid August ($72), so I’ll save my visit for then. Besides this was only going to be a quick 2 day trip. I’ll have an extra day next month.
Posted 4:11 PM
This is me taking a gander at Superman’s crotch. Not everyone has seen that view…. nor wants to, I’m sure. I’m 6’3”, so Superman is quite the big guy. The Superman statue is in the town square in Metropolis Illinois.
Rode down to the Land Between The Lakes, had a very tasty 2 inch pork chop for dinner early Saturday afternoon at a place called Bills Restaurant in Patties Settlement.
We then rode about half way through the Land Between the Lakes and headed up to Paducah for the night. Early Sunday morning we headed over to the Cave-In-Rock, which is a cave in a big rock on the Ohio river. It’s also the name of the town. We had fried catfish for lunch/dinner at the lodge/restaurant there. From there we headed to the Garden of the Gods in Shawnee National Forest in Southeastern IL. We spent an hour or so on the giant rocks overlooking the national park. Then it was on the bikes for a looong ride home. Total mileage: right at 700 miles.
I’ll post more soon. Off to bed now for an early flight to Florida. Should be home and back to normal Wednesday evening.
Update: By popular demand: Superman’s “package” didn’t look that impressive from my vantage point.
Posted 10:00 PM