Bits and Pieces is honored to be featured as Blog-Of-The-Day at www.blogoftheday.org
Here’s a link to today’s featured blog: http://blogoftheday.org/page/112194
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Posted 4:22 PM
She's back, she's gassy, and she hates you.
did I mention that she's gassy?
I couldn't watch the whole thing.. Can you?
Posted 3:19 PM
The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax andthe abominablee cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does of the the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the outsides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmativeor negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill him.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
(...and don't forget, folks: if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!)
Posted 2:55 PM
Marco Tempest - PhoneCam Magic #1 - The Umbrella
Watch the umbrella.
Posted 5:45 PM
WASHINGTON - Concerned about the appearance of disarray and feuding within his administration as well as growing resistance to his policies in Iraq, President Bush - living up to his recent declaration that he is in charge - told his top officials to "stop the leaks" to the media, or else.
News of Bush's order leaked almost immediately.
Bush told his senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official who asked that his name not be used.
Posted 5:25 PM
Posted 4:51 PM
A Golfer hit a terrible slice into the deep woods. Looking for his ball, he was amazed to find a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye caught me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
"Well, I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responds the Leprechaun in disappointment, "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Posted 4:39 PM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
(No hate mail please. I’d have done it it if it were a Democrat joke too. ‘Cause it’s funny.)
Posted 4:51 PM
There were two evil brothers who were rich and used their money to hide their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of the sudden, one of the brothers died. The surviving brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." He went on in this vein for a small time, and the surviving brother was clearly fuming in his seat.
"But," the pastor concluded, "compared to his brother, he was a saint!"
Posted 4:34 PM
Here are a few:
Posted 4:16 PM
Finally, the answer for when the mom on the go...
HAS GOTTA GO!
The Babykeeper is the only portable, safe and sanitary solution for what to do with your infant or toddler while using public restrooms and fitting rooms.
This actually seems like a neat idea. You don’t want the kid crawling around on the floor.
Price $39.95 thru today. Then it’ll be $59.50
Posted 4:03 PM
CBS Whittles Katie Couric's Waist In Doctored Photo
CBS visibly altered Katie Couric's photo in its "Watch" Magazine, slenderizing her waist, arms and neck. TVNewser id's the first photo as Katie's official CBS photo, taken at the upfronts in May.
Isn’t photshop great!
Posted 12:58 PM
1. Keep away from smoking.
2. Keep the weight down.
3. Take supplements.
4. Skip a meal each day or fast a day each week.
5. Get a pet.
6. Get medical help for chronic pain.
7. Get walking.
8. Reduce arguments.
9. Live around plants.
10. Do some weight-training.
Posted 12:29 PM
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks
Posted 12:12 PM
According to an email I just received PayPal, or someone pretending to be PayPal, is supposedly going to give me $100 for answering 5 questions.
Here are the questions:
Sound too good to be true? Of course it is. Once you answer these very difficult questions, they want all your information including your Social Security number. On the next screen they’ll ask for your PayPal login and password to “deposit” the $100 into your account. They might even want your credit card numbers too (I don’t know because I didn’t go that far to see).
The first clue when I see something like this is to hold the mouse pointer over the link and see what the URL is going to go to when you click the link. (The URL displays in the bottom left of your window.) Like below:
That doesn’t look anything like paypal.com to me.
As you’ve heard time and time again….. if it sounds too good to be true it is.
Posted 12:00 PM
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercup. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! do you know how long it took me to make those buttercup? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"
Thanks Joe P
Posted 11:38 AM
An airline passenger flags down a flight steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink, but I have not seen the stewardess anywhere around."
The steward answers, "Actually, I am not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I would be happy to get you a drink."
"Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
"She is all for it," explains the flight steward. "In fact, the entire flight crew is female."
"I don't believe it! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
"Actually sir," coughs the steward, "we don't call it that anymore."
Posted 2:50 PM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We cannot tell you. You are not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but once again the monks reply, "We cannot tell you. You are not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I am dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
So the man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." And then they lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved almost beyond belief. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I cannot tell you what it is, because you are not a monk.
Posted 2:48 PM
Mouth to mouth from a Hippo
A hippo tries to rescue an impala from the jaws of a crocodile. It works but the impala doesn't make it... even after the hippo tries to revive it with mouth to mouth resucitation. The croc gets his meal in the end. Incredible footage.
Posted 2:41 PM
The Virgin Mary, that is….
First, she appeared on a grilled cheese. Then, a highway underpass.
Now, behold, the Virgin Mary has descended upon the belly of a Burbank pet turtle.
In a shallow plastic tank on Lotus Drive, the chocolate brown vision beams from the pink gut of a sand turtle named Mary.
Sitting beneath a gold-speckled paper plate featuring a coloring book version of Jesus' mom, Shirley McVane dangled the turtle from her plump fingers.
"She came to a holy house," said the feisty 81-year-old, her voice a low rumble. "I think she came to visit us so God knows she's happy and safe."
About a year ago, McVane's grandson bought her little Mary and her tank-mate Joseph (they were named after the silhouette appeared) from a local pet store.
The turtles were just babies then, smaller than a quarter. But as they grew, the image on Mary's belly began to take shape.
Posted 2:09 PM