Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
New Year's Toast
Life altering experiences
Ask MetaFilter asks the question: Can you point to a single experience in your life, as a child, which you can define as having contributed to the person you are today?
Here are a few of the responses:
- I went to a slaughterhouse and decided to become a vegetarian.
- Wayne Arnold let me hold the trumpet he just got from school (I was in kindergarten) and at that moment, I knew that I would have to play. 32 years later, I still play.
- When I was seven, my father bought me a turntable and allowed me access to his record collection. 30 years and thousands of dollars in gear and recordings later, music is my passion.
- When I was 4, I had 2 fingers partially amputated in a lawnmower. Reach your own conclusions. heheh
- Age 14 - I watched my mom give birth to my little sister. I decided that I was never doing that, and I've been happily childfree ever since. Getting fixed this year, whoo!
- When I was 16, our house burned down while our family was away. We had spent the last 6 years building it. We lost essentially all of our possessions. I lost a stamp collection and an Atari 400 that I'd worked an entire summer to earn. My father lost negatives and equipment from a 20-year photography career.
Building the house taught me and my siblings what hard work was, how to face it and thrive in it. Losing it, and all our possessions, taught me that things are just objects, not the center or my life or cause for deep, abiding emotional attachments. - Moving to the US from Norway when I was 14. I was teased mercilessly in Norway and was an unpopular, ugly bookworm misfit whom nobody would ever ask out on a date. When I moved to NYC, everything changed - I got contacts, cut my hair and sprouted breasts, and because of my 'novelty value' and accent, I became the most sought-after girl in school. I went from the bottom of the barrel to the top of the world, and it changed everything.
- I was 13. I had my first babysitting job, and I took along a copy of Stephen King's "Pet Semetary" to entertain me after the kids went to sleep. I scared the everliving shit out of myself, but almost 20 years later, my first novel is a southern gothic horror that I hope some kid takes on her first babysitting job with her.
- Was about three, and enraged by the sight of some guy in a red suit, coming out of Sears, and foisting on the public the notion that he flew around the world delivering presents on a train of reindeers. Subsequently became lifelong skeptic.
Friday, December 30, 2005
The Top 14 Euphemisms for Holiday Overeating
From Top Five
- 14> Loading Santa's Sleigh
- 13> Dropping Toys Down the Chimney
- 12> Stuffing the Intestinal Stocking
- 11> Opening an Account With E.F. Glutton
- 10> Getting Stockingfaced
- 9> Fueling the Mother of All Yule Logs
- 8> Dreaming of a Wide Christmas
- 7> Becoming a Macy's Float
- 6> Circuit-Training the Ol' Sansabelt Muscles
- 5> Digest Ye Sedentary Gentlemen
- 4> Getting on Jenny Craig's "Naughty" List
- 3> Not Letting the Nutritionists Win
- 2> Uploading to Napster
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Holiday Overeating...
1> Providing Shade for the Ol' Yule Log
Changes in math
Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
Teaching Math In the fifties: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In the sixties: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In the seventies: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In the eighties: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In the nineties: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005: Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
Thanks Tommy Salami
Thursday, December 29, 2005
A blonde walks into an auto parts store...
A few days ago I was at the auto parts store when a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. No one had any clue what the part was -- even the manager.
"Come on!" she said, exasperated. "Every car I've ever had has one! But mine fell off, and I need a new one."
Finally, I stepped in. "Would it help to look under my hood, and you can point out what it is you want?" I asked.
"Yes!" she exclaimed, and I led the blonde to my car with a parade of parts guys right behind.
I opened the hood. "Is there a 710 on this car?" I asked.
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!"
And here's what we saw:
A new sport - Chocolate syrup wrestling
I never was a big chocolate fan… but I just might change my mind. Where’s the ice cream?
Pantyhose reviews
No fictional character has articulated this writer's position on pantyhose so well as when Claire Fisher of HBO's Six Feet Under stood atop her cubicle desk and belted out "You Ride Up My Thighs" (sung to "You Light Up Life") in ode to her ill-fitting nylons. Most sane people would agree: Hose are the bane of womanhood. Who wouldn't hate being confined in nylon as it slowly squeezes the life out of her?
Alas, there comes a time in every woman's life when the wearing of pantyhose is required. It could be a funeral; it could be the prom; it could be every day at your new corporate job. I used to have an office job that required pantyhose often enough to remind me how maddening they are. Now, I work at home and spend much of my "free" time chasing a toddler. When I wear hose, I need them to be good—I don't have the time or the energy to stash an extra pair or a bottle of clear nail polish in my diaper bag. So, what I want to know is this: Are all pantyhose created equal, or does popping for a fancy pair ensure higher quality and less sausagelike discomfort?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
The perfect nap
According to new studies, nothing tunes up mind and body like a good nap. But there's an art to catching the right kind of z's.
Everyone, no matter how high-strung, has the capacity to nap. But the conditions need to be right. Dr. Sara Mednick, who will publish a book on napping in the spring (tentatively titled Take Back the Nap!, Workman Publishing) has some helpful hints:
- 1 The first consideration is psychological: Recognize that you're not being lazy; napping will make you more productive and more alert after you wake up.
- 2 Try to nap in the morning or just after lunch; human circadian rhythms make late afternoons a more likely time to fall into deep (slow-wave) sleep, which will leave you groggy.
- 3 Avoid consuming large quantities of caffeine as well as foods that are heavy in fat and sugar, which meddle with a person's ability to fall asleep.
- 4 Instead, in the hour or two before your nap time, eat foods high in calcium and protein, which promote sleep.
- 5 Find a clean, quiet place where passersby and phones won't disturb you.
- 6 Try to darken your nap zone, or wear an eyeshade. Darkness stimulates melatonin, the sleep- inducing hormone.
- 7 Remember that body temperature drops when you fall asleep. Raise the room temperature or use a blanket.
- 8 Once you are relaxed and in position to fall asleep, set your alarm for the desired duration (see below).
It's better to be a guy
Your last name stays put. - The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Thanks Mickie & Phyllis
The hospital patient
A frail woman with a sweet voice telephoned the hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?"
The woman in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me check. …. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news!
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The woman said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one around here tells me #%@*
Thanks Phyllis
A blind man and his dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
Thanks Phyllis
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Wayne's world
From the Washington Post’s News of the Weird 2005 article:
If you spent your year paying close attention to the comings and goings of Angelina and Brad, Tom and Katie, Jessica and Nick, Judy and Scooter -- or, heaven forbid, more important things like DeLay or the deluge that devastated the Gulf Coast -- you might have missed the most disconcerting, perplexing and underreported stories from 2005.
Here is just one of the stories:
THE CLASSIC MIDDLE NAME (ALL NEW FOR 2005!) Once again this year, as a public service, we release this crucial homicide data:
Charged with murder, awaiting trial: Darrell Wayne Maness, 19 (Wilmington, N.C.); Timothy Wayne Ebert, 39 (Cleveland, Tex.); John Wayne Blair, 49 (Sevier County, Tenn.); Derek Wayne Jackson, 18 (Norristown, Pa.); Nathaniel Wayne Hart, 34 (Austin, Tex.); Kenneth Wayne Keller, 42, (Denton County, Tex.); Ronald Wayne Lail, 43 (Burke County, N.C.); Timothy Wayne Condrey, 27 (Caroleen, N.C.); Roy Wayne Russell, 45 (Vancouver, Wash.); Jeremy Wayne Hopkins, 22 (Denton, Tex.); Reginald Wayne Thomas, 23 (Huntsville, Tex.); Matthew Wayne Almand, 18 (Melbourne, Fla.)
Convicted of murder, but found insane: Emmanuel Wayne Harris, 28 (Bisbee, Ariz.)
Sentenced for murder: Tyler Wayne Justice (Alice, Tex.); Douglas Wayne Pepper, 44 (Greensboro, N.C.)
Awaiting a retrial after a judge overturned his murder conviction: Donald Wayne Shipe, 37 (Winchester, Va.)
Committed suicide in a murder-suicide: Eric Wayne Jacobs, 27 (Castroville, Tex.); Michael Wayne Baxter, 30 (Edgewater, Md.)
Executed for murder : Dennis Wayne Bagwell, 41; Lonnie Wayne Pursley, 43; Melvin Wayne White, 55 (all from Huntsville, Tex., the state penitentiary)
Died of a drug overdose while serving two life terms for murder: Russell Wayne Wagner, 52 (Jessup, Md.) (He was buried at Arlington National Cemetery based on Army service in Vietnam. The son of Wagner's victims objected, prompting a congressional review. A 1997 law supposedly bars those convicted of capital crimes from being buried in a national cemetery.)
Final note: Police in New Scotland, N.Y., arrested Corianna Thompson, 45, in April for the murder of her mother, then released her last month without charges while they investigate "additional leads." Thompson's birth name was Corey Wayne Balashek. Before his sex change, he served nine years in prison for the 1981 strangulation of an Albany nurse. Authorities believe Thompson/Balashek is the first American, let alone the first middle-name-Wayne, to be arrested for murder in both genders.
Hmmmm, my middle name is Wayne. Wonder what that means.
Read the Washington Post’s News of the Weird 2005 article.
Interview with an executioner - Singapore Sling
THE man due to execute convicted Australian drug trafficker Van Tuong Nguyen in Singapore is a 73-year-old grandfather who can't retire because no-one will take his job.
The Singaporean government looks set to take the 25-year-old Melbourne man to the gallows, after rejecting his appeal for clemency last Friday.
Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has made a last ditch attempt to save Nguyen's life, but says he has little hope the Australian will be spared.
Singapore's chief executioner Darshan Singh, who has hanged more than 850 prisoners in his 46 years in the role, is due to place the rope around Nguyen's neck, The Australian newspaper reported today.
He will say: "I am going to send you to a better place than this. God bless you." The newspaper says Singh wants to leave his job but authorities cannot find a replacement.
Singh is not permitted by law to speak publicly about his job.
But a colleague told the newspaper: "He tried to train two would-be hangmen to replace him, a Malaysian and a Chinese, both in the prison service.
"But when it came to pulling the lever for the real thing, they both froze and could not do it.
"The Chinese guy, a prison officer, became so distraught he walked out immediately and resigned from the prison service altogether."
Nguyen was caught with 396g of heroin strapped to his body and in his hand luggage at Singapore's Changi airport in 2002.
He is expected to be hanged in the next four to six weeks. END
I was thinkin when I read about the screws in the states who volunteer for this job of serial killer for the state and how they could be persuaded to get an honest job...I'd ask Jim Bell if had any ideas but he's in Lompoc.
Stupid vintage inflatable hat
This piece of apparel is so utterly dumb, we could not convince a human being to model it. We even had trouble persuading the poodle to play along. To get her to pose, we lied and told her she was auditioning to replace the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
These vintage hats were discovered in an old warehouse where they had been hidden (intentionally?) since the 1960s. It's possible that back then they were fashionable, but we doubt it very much.
Get yours for only $2.99
Hillary campaigning for 2008
Hmmm, interesting.
The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform us about the photo---perhaps because she's never understood our military to begin with.
If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in
the nation, than you are in Iraq.........................Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington.
Thanks Phyllis
Where red-headed babies come from
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Thanks Phyllis
TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Thanks Phyllis
Monday, December 26, 2005
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