Saturday, December 30, 2006
To paraphrase Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles movie,
“They said he was hung, and they was right.”
UPDATE: Actual video of the hanging that you won’t see on TV. Not very good quality video taken with a cell phone camera – with sound.
You decide if you want to watch.
Click here if you do.
Posted 9:58 AM
They're one giant leap for man and womankind on the domestic front – shoes with a built-in vacuum cleaner that suck up dust as you walk.
Designers at Electrolux believe the footwear, called the Dustmate, will allow busy people – especially young professionals – to do their chores without having to drop everything.
Research shows the average householder spends almost 90 hours every year vacuuming the house.
But Electrolux says the Dustmate could turn cleaning into an 'unconscious byproduct of everyday life'.
The greencolored shoes have two parts – a rechargeable base that contains the vacuum motor and an elastic sock which holds the user's foot in place.
Posted 9:35 AM
Moron Flies A Helicopter
Probably should have taken a lesson or two.
Posted 9:21 AM
There's nothing more embarrassing than having your computer go down just when you're ready for a big demo, yet it happens all the time. The fact is that an ever-increasing number of computer users suffer from Operating System Dysfunction (OSD). Studies have shown that OSD is the number one cause of dented computer cases and defenestrated monitors, and more cases of OSD are being diagnosed all the time.
Most OSD sufferers never admit to their condition in public for fear of ridicule and because they simply assume it's an untreatable condition and that they have no choice but to live with it.
But if you suffer from OSD, your condition may soon be a thing of the past: just one little blue disk and you'll have an operating system that's as stable as a rock and ready to run all night long!
Windows Viagra is not for everyone--for example, if you don't have a computer, Viagra for Windows may not be able to help you--but it has been clinically proven to help the majority of computer users who suffer from occasional or chronic OSD. In many cases, even computers that are no longer able to run the current version of Windows at all will respond to treatment with Windows Viagra and come right up!
Whether you need to get the maximum performance from your gaming or video rendering system or you just want to play with your joystick all night long
Windows Viagra will keep your computer up and running!
Posted 9:03 AM
Friday, December 29, 2006
Quick change artists
I posted this a while back but ran across it again. It's really incredible.
Posted 5:29 PM
The anti-rape female condom (aka vaginal bear trap) was invented by Sonette Ehlers, a South African woman. It is intended to prevent rape by hooking onto an attacker's penis, hurting and disabling him.
The device is a latex tube fitted internally with shafts of sharp, inward-facing plastic barbs that could be worn by a woman in her vagina, similar to a tampon. Should an attacker attempt vaginal rape, the penis would be hooked by the barbs, causing the attacker pain and giving the victim time to escape. The condom would remain attached to the attacker's penis and, according to the device's creator, could be removed only surgically, which would alert hospital staff and police that an attempted rape could have taken place.
Posted 5:25 PM
Being in my 50’s I can relate to this question.
Here are some things the author now knows that he wished he’d known then:
- Accept gracefully what you cannot change. As you age, you will steadily gain wisdom. Unfortunately, it goes right to your prostate gland. This explains why, as a young man, your prostate is the size of a walnut, but as you get older it is the size of a Wal-Mart. The good news is that there are drugs to at least partially control this. The bad news is that these drugs have side effects that can include -- this is the truth; I am reading it right from the package insert -- "breast enlargement."
- For the rest of your life, you will remain locked into whatever music you currently listen to. Trust me, it happens to everyone. It happened to me. Given the quality of popular music of the 1960s, I am fine. Given the quality of popular music of the 2000s, you are toast. Suggestion: Get a job as a jackhammer operator, wear no ear protection, go deaf. At least your taste in music won't make you a source of contemptuous merriment to your children, the way my parents were to me.
- Cleanse your language of certain callow affectations common to your generation, for they will not serve you well later in life. I, for example, employed the word "groovy" well into my twenties, until I once used it as a panelist on a TV political talk show, while discussing the sociopolitical ramifications of a gubernatorial veto. The studio audience actually laughed. In your case, when being interviewed about your nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court, you do not want to say, "I was, like, 'No way,' and the president goes, 'For realz, yo,' and . . ."
- The index of male physical pleasure can be plotted by two lines on a chart. One of these lines, which begins very high in one's younger years, represents the pleasures of the bedroom. The other, which begins quite low, represents the pleasures of the bathroom. I am assured by men older than I that these lines eventually intersect. I do not want to presume to tell you how to prepare for this moment, but I will share my plan, if it will be of help. When those two lines intersect, I will commit hari-kari. I will aim for my stomach, but will probably hit my prostate.
- Practice preemptive temperance. You know how you can get completely wasted one night, and the next morning you're okay? Well, one day, that won't be true anymore. And I mean "one day." This change will occur, literally, overnight, and you will discover it too late, as I did, when I arrived for work unshaven, with mismatched shoes, on a Saturday.
Posted 4:47 PM
. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call “Mr. McTightass?” You are so starting to remind me of him.
11. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
12. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
13. Churchill and FDR got drunk, Hitler didn’t. So what are you, some kind of Nazi?
14. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a goddamn squirrel?
15. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
16. Your friends might have a good time without you.
17. The Man says you shouldn’t and you don’t want to upset the Man, eh slavebot?
18. There is a 1000 percent better chance you will land a starring role in the upcoming Paris Hilton video Vegas Orgy.
19. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
20. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.
21. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.
22. Listen, are we down on this goddamn rock to have a good time or watch other people have a good time on TV?
23. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.
24. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.
25. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.
26. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.
27. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.
28. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?
29. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.
30. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.
31. You did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man and now you get your monkey treat.
32. God hates the sight of you.
33. God won’t stop staring at you.
34. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.
35. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.
36. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.
37. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.
38. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”
39. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your goddamn apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?
40. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong.
Posted 4:33 PM
Here are a few of the strange things that happen3ed there in 2006:
- Two Escambia County middle school teachers faced felony charges after being accused of taking bribes from students to let them skip gym class. The amount per class? $1.
- The Easter Bunny was fired after he punched a Fort Myers mall customer who was upset that photo ops with the giant costumed rabbit were closing 10 minutes early.
- A man driving in Naples with a pet snake wrapped around his neck crashed his car when the reptile began attacking him. He got out of his car, wrestled with the snake and then drove off, reports said.
- A 74-year-old Punta Gorda woman did a better job of fighting off an alligator. She was bit on the ankle by a 5-footer, but she beat it back with a hose.
"I just whacked him right in the snout with the nozzle," the woman said. "After that, he took off." She finished her gardening before seeking treatment for the wound.
- A man doubted whether the crack cocaine he bought was real, so he asked two uniformed Tampa police officers to verify. They did. It was. He was arrested.
- An Orange County sheriff's deputy was in uniform and sitting in his marked patrol car when a man walked up to him an asked if he wanted to buy some cocaine. The deputy said yes, the man pulled out a bag with cocaine and the officer arrested him.
- A 15-year-old boy stole a transit bus in Orlando and drove it about 12 miles, picking up passengers, collecting fares, driving the speed limit and making all the right stops before police arrested him.
Posted 4:14 PM
The Top 99 Most Desirable Women is an annual list compiled by the readers and staff of AskMen.com, ranking the females that have been collectively deemed the year’s most alluring. 2.5 million reader votes were cast for the 2006 version of the list, which will be read by millions more worldwide.
From No. 99: Anna Kournikova all the way down to No. 1: Jessica Alba… any every one in between.
Anna was # 52 last year Jessica was #78 last year
Posted 3:44 PM
Thursday, December 28, 2006
While the media is full of stories about James Brown this week, there's an entire generation of young Americans who know him for only one thing -- the worst mug shot picture this side of Nick Nolte.
via Harris Online (one of the neatest radio guys I hardly ever listen to anymore).
CNN story on the Godfather of Soul’s passing on Christmas day.
Posted 7:10 PM
- Just 20 words make up a third of teenagers' everyday speech.
- Standard-sized condoms are too big for most Indian men.
- Up to 25% of hospital keyboards carry the MRSA infection.
- Just one cow gives off enough harmful methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 litre bottles.
- More than 90% of plane crashes have survivors.
- The Mona Lisa used to hang on the wall of Napoleon’s bedroom.
- Red Buttons - real name Aaron Chwatt - took his surname from the nickname for hotel porters, a job he did in his teens.
- The clitoris derives its name from the ancient Greek word kleitoris, meaning "little hill".
- The egg came first.
Posted 5:11 PM
ALASKA -- In this photo released by the U.S. Coast Guard, the Cougar Ace maintains its position about 240 miles south of Adak in the North Pacific Ocean. As of noon Tuesday, the ship, hundreds of miles off Alaska's Aleutian Islands, is listing 60 degrees to port. The keel and the propeller are out of the water. It is stable, and does not appear to be sinking, according to the U.S. Coast Guard.
Posted 4:27 PM
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Cowboys called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. Never mind.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
Posted 4:11 PM
- 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
- 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
- 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
- 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
- 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
- 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
- 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
- 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
- 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
- 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
- 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
- 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
- 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
- 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Posted 3:45 PM
Flatulence Allegedly Sparks Jail Brawl
NORTH PLATTE, Neb. —
Bruggeman, of Hershey, is serving a 90-day sentence for violating a protection order.
Brian Bruggeman caused a stink at the Lincoln County Jail earlier this month and will now have to answer for it in court. Another inmate, Jesse Dorris, alleges that Bruggeman's flatulence, passed in close proximity to Dorris, sparked a Dec. 14 fight between the two at the jail.
Now Bruggeman, 38, faces a Jan. 11 preliminary hearing on the state's complaint of assault by a confined person. It's a felony punishable by up to five years in prison.
Bruggeman is accused of injuring Dorris, his cellmate, when he pushed him into cell bars. Dorris, 26, was not charged.
The two began scuffling, County Attorney Jeff Meyer said Tuesday, because Dorris was fed up with Bruggeman's flatulence.
Jail fights are common, Meyer said, but the cause of this one was rather uncommon.
"It's usually about someone hogging the newspaper or someone not happy about what's on TV," he said.
Read the rest of the story if you want.
Posted 3:37 PM
- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.
- Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, by then, you are stuck with her.
- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
- Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as; navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
- Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
- No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
- Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take any relationship quizzes together.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 3 days (the next day if we were drunk).
Posted 2:51 PM
The Man of 100 Voices
... and he does them all in 4 minutes and 3 seconds. Unfortunately I only knew about half of the voices, but he did those well.
Posted 2:26 PM
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
"Slain Doctor Worried About His Death" -- In a local paper in Canada.
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" -- In a local paper.
"Nixon Beneath the Surface" -- The headline of an expose column about Richard Nixon, several days after his death.
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" -- In a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use" -- A local newspaper of a suburb of Toronto, describing a committee set up by the board of education and the local municipality to investigate marijuana use among high school students.
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" -- Independent, November 19, 2000
"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." -- From a New Zealand paper.
"Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating." -- From a New Zealand paper.
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
"There's an overturned tractor-trailer heading north on Route 93." -- Report in a radio station's morning traffic update.
"Seasonal weather for the time of year." -- Radio weather report.
"Local construction is making it hazardous to drive in some areas of our city. We'll tell you which to avoid on the way home on news tonight at 9:30." -- From a nightly local news ad on the radio.
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they'll have at surviving." -- From a local news cast.
"Today Lesbian forces invaded...no, sorry, that should be Lesbianese." -- From a news report in UK, on a Lebanese conflict.
"Susan, things are washing up on the shore that have never seen the light of day in a long time." -- From a local news report on the aftereffects of 1989's Hurricane Hugo.
"The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the infield. This is a terrible day for the Padres!" -- A San Diego Padres announcer.
"Due to a typing error, Gov Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson." -- Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper.
"How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
"How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" -- Simon Fanshawe, during a Metro Radio Interview, when a listener said, "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
From Things People Said
Posted 6:53 PM
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
Posted 6:26 PM
A few entries:
- Drink shrink - Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.
- De-boned - To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.
- Fugly bus - The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you’re in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.
- Jack and Jill - A shot of Jack Daniels and a beer.
- Jumping on the grenade - When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member “jumps on the grenade” by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.
- New Words for Drunk: Jagged up, boiled as an owl, mothered, curried and mashed, de-ossified, full tight, skinned, pie-eyed, gibbled, in the paint, pile-axed, rat-assed, stinko, torn off the frame, torqued, troll-eyed, wired to the tits, banjoed, chateaued, one over the eight, pixelated, swipey, wankered, zigzag, slaughtered, juice-looped, 12 gauged, Boris Yelstinned, cop-sluggin’ drunk, five winos gone, jackassed, liver-lubed, monkey assed, mullocked, paralytic, stolichnyed, ten feet tall and bulletproof, tore up from the floor up, Kennedied, wearing a big hat, shined up, wingdinged, off the leash, drunk uncled, picassoed, and finally, locked out of your mind.
Posted 5:10 PM
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Lookner for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it hit me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have t o do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
Posted 3:59 PM
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 bottle vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK. Try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit. Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat. Fall into bed.
Posted 6:02 PM
You Don't Know Jack is a great game that I’d forgotten about. It’s played on your computer. I have several versions of the game I bought on CD’s several years ago. Now they have an online version with a new game every day (I think). The graphics are great, there is quite a bit of humor in there, though it is generally aimed at adult audiences.
Posted 5:50 PM
You might think the arrow does nothing here. But it says that amazon.com has everything from a to z and it also represents the smile brought to the customer's face. Wow, that is quite deep.
Am not sure how many of you have noticed a hidden symbol in the Federal Express logo. Yeah, I am talking about the 'arrow' that you can see between the E and the x in this logo. The arrow was introduced to underscore speed and precision, which are part of the positioning of the company.
The above are two magazines from the Readers Digest stable. Again, the attempt to communicate what it is about quite figuratively through the logo catches my attention.
There are a few more examples here.
Posted 5:36 PM