Saturday, December 08, 2007
Liftoff
Space shuttle Discovery leaps from its launch pad on Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2007, to begin the STS-120 mission to the International Space Station.
Wood Shop
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.
Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was.
The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit outof your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" theshop teacher asked.
Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'.
Punctuation is very important
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria
Yet, the only difference is the punctuation.
Customers who bought "Fresh Whole Rabbit" also bought.....
Now, this is really strange…. at least to me. Some of you might be strange enough to understand this.
(This isn’t a photoshopped page. I went to Amazon.com and entered “fresh whole rabbit” in the search box.)
Customers who bought Fresh Whole Rabbit also bought.....
Man sees Jesus in his chest x-ray
A man who recently had a chest X-ray done swore he could clearly see the image of Jesus on the photograph.
After experiencing chest pains, Reynaldo Farinas went to Homestead Hospital. While he was there, physicians ordered an X-ray of his chest.
Some say what that X-ray revealed could be a message from a higher power.
"Last night I checked and see the face of Jesus Christ there," Farinas said.
The Farinas' along with his physician and a medical technician said the image on the X-ray resembles Jesus Christ.
The doctor said he could not explain the silhouette.
The Really Truly Hillary Gallery
Billed as the ultimate archive of unflattering Hillary Clinton photos.
Here are just a few samples:
And, before you say it… Yes, I would post the same for Bush or Rudy or any other prominent politician. Truth be told, we all have pictures like that…they just don’t get published.
Hiring test
A man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers," the Italian said. "Datta easy." He proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked. "Have you got no brain?
"Tree and tree and tree makea nine," said the Italian.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each ofa da trees isa dirty now. So, it'sa dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99."
The boss was getting worried that he was going to have to actually hire this Italian, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, "Ere you go. Onea hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little doga comea long and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. Datta makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"
Thanks Gary J
The old phone....
A cute story I found at Shelly’s Snippets:
I don't know if this is true or not, and frankly, I really don't care. It's a great story, true or not.
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was 'Information Please' and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.
I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
'Information, please' I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
'Information.'
'I hurt my finger...' I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
'Isn't your mother home?' came the question.
'Nobody's home but me,' I blubbered.
'Are you bleeding?' the voice asked.
'No,' I replied. 'I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.'
'Can you open the icebox?' she asked.
I said I could.
'Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,' said the voice.
After that, I called 'Information Please' for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, Information Please,' and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, 'Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a
heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?'She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, 'Wayne always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.'
Somehow I felt better.
Another day I was on the telephone, 'Information Please.'
'Information,' said in the now familiar voice.
'How do I spell fix?' I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. 'Information Please' belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.
Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind
she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, 'Information Please.'
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. 'Information.'
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, 'Could you please tell me how to spell fix?'
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, 'I guess your finger must have healed by now.'
I laughed, 'So it's really you,' I said. 'I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?'
I wonder,' she said, 'if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.'
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
'Please do', she said. 'Just ask for Sally.'
Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered 'Information.' I asked for Sally.
'Are you a friend?' she said.
'Yes, a very old friend,' I answered.
'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' she said. 'Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.'
Before I could hang up she said, 'Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?'
'Yes.' I answered.
'Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you.'
The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Who said The Donald was cheap?
Here is a receipt from The Buffalo Club that shows he left a ten thousand dollar tip. Is it real?
From E-Online:
In 24 hours, the Donald went from quietly tipping a waiter $10,000 at Santa Monica’s Buffalo Club to calling it a "stupid restaurant." We should have followed our instincts when we couldn't get over the claim that he would do anything quietly.
He loudly told Page Six the truth: "This was done by the stupid restaurant to get publicity…It's not my signature."
We admire the restaurant's courage to challenge the Donald at his own game, but did they really think this would fly? After all, there are a few intrinsic truths about the entrepreneur that we must all understand:
- The Donald doesn't do overly kind gestures.
- The Donald is the reigning king of cheap publicity.
- The Donald has a hot wife, and you cannot call the Donald anything else but the Donald.
In the end, though, no harm done. Everyone who wanted publicity got it.
Suicide Hotline
Feeling depressed?
Thinking of ending it all, but really don’t want to?
Don’t jump!
Make the call that could save your life…..
Ooops…wait a minute…..
Ancient communications systems
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Thanks Donnie Mac
Thursday, December 06, 2007
How many ornaments do you need to properly decorate your tree?
According to The Christmas Ornament Wizard, based on the size of my tree, I need 126 ornaments to decorate my 7.5 foot tall Christmas tree properly.
Why did the salmon cross the road?
Every November and December Hood Canal's Skokomish River rises out of its banks, and many returning chum salmon are forced to swim across flooded roads to reach their spawning grounds. It is a compelling scene that illustrates how salmon manage to overcome sometimes monumental obstacles to continue their cycle of life.
Here’s a video of these determined little boogers.
Bird's-eye view of Tony Soprano's house
Otherwise known as 14 Aspen Drive, North Caldwell NJ.
According to zillow.com it’s estimated value: $853,803
A chat with Jesus...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, " what is the meaning of
life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor , but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Don Imus returns...
Don Imus returned to the radio airwaves Monday over WABC New York. The country is giving him a clean slate. The fact that he has hired two black sidekicks lets everybody know that he is a changed man and will only tell Mexican jokes from now on.
Jack Bauer jailed for drunk driving
Kiefer Sutherland, star of the hit television series "24," was formally sentenced on Wednesday to 48 days in jail for drunken driving, and his lawyer said the actor would begin doing time immediately.
Sutherland will serve the 48 days consecutively rather than in two separate stints as had been previously planned in order to prevent a conflict with the production schedule of the Fox network show.
Fox announced last month it was suspending production on the series due to the screenwriters' strike, so there was no longer any need for Sutherland to break up his jail term into two parts.
We know Jack is only there because he wants to be.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Comments problem
Blogger usually notifies me when you make a comment on a post here. That “feature” appears to be broken at the moment. I’ve gotten no comments since 1:47 this morning. I’m not the only one having this problem.
I hope someone at Blogger/Google is working on the problem. And when it’s fixed I’ll probably get flooded with comments. I’m putting my waders on now to be prepared.
Update: I just answered a couple of comments (with comments) and got those notifications immediately (from myself) …but no other ones yet.
Relocation anxiety
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to St. Louis, there's crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in St. Louis all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private School. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack.
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Thanks Gene
Note: This joke was originally written about New Orleans. I changed the locale because New Orleans has had more than its share of misery. It could be almost any large city. They all have their bad areas. And I know all about it in St. Louis.
Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy!
Now for something completely different on Bits & Pieces. I guess you could call this a “Piece”.
For someone who isn’t terribly religious, I thought this was awfully cute. It’s an on-air phone call from an 13 year old boy who lives on a ranch in a very small town in Nebraska. Logan listens to Christian Radio station 89.3FM KSBJ which broadcasts from Houston, TX. Logan called the radio station distraught because he had to take down a calf . His words have wisdom beyond his years. Enjoy!
Thanks Gene
Top 10 peeves dogs have about humans
'1'
Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
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'3'
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
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'4'
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
Thanks Gene
And you thought you'd seen it all.....
The ultimate funeral…
DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote (in hand)
AND the football game is ON!
Oh yeah, don't miss the new silky pjs, slippers and beer!
And are those a pack of Newports in his ashtray???
Just when you thought you've seen everything .... and yes,
this is a regular commercial funeral home.
Thanks Sandra R
Blog commenter arrested
Direct from J-Walk Blog:
If you write comments at blogs, listen up: Trolls Take Note: Teacher Arrested For Leaving Offensive Anonymous Comment On Blog.
Suburban Milwaukee high school chemistry teacher James Buss was arrested last week after leaving an anonymous comment on the Boots And Sabers political blog as part of a discussion on teacher's salaries. Under the name of "Observer" James Buss wrote the following:
Looking at those teacher salary numbers in West Bend made me sick. $60,000 for a part time job were you work' maybe 5 hours per day and sit in the teachers lounge and smoke the rest of the time. Thanks God we won on the referendum. But whining here doesn't stop the problem. We've got to get in back of the kids who have had enough of lazy, no good teachers and are fighting back. Kids like Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold members of the Young Republicans club at Columbine. They knew how to deal with the overpaid teacher union thugs. One shot at a time! Too bad the liberals rip them; they were heroes and should be remembered that way
Police acquired the IP address of Buss from the blogs administrator then arrested him at his home at Cudahy, south of Milwaukee. Buss spent an hour in the Washington County jail before he was released on $350 bail.
So, y’all mind yer manners.
Update:
MADISON, Wis. - A Wisconsin teacher who posted an anonymous comment online sarcastically praising the Columbine High School gunmen won’t face criminal charges, a prosecutor said Wednesday.
Washington County District Attorney Todd Martens said the comment left by James Buss was offensive and disgusting, but was protected speech under the state and U.S. constitutions.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
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