Saturday, May 26, 2007
I think I posted this quite a while back, but it is so good. …. When Hollywood Squares was really funny.
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Posted 9:34 AM
John Wayne was born May 26, 1907… One hundred years ago today!
He was born in Winterset Iowa. His birth name was Marion Robert Morrison. He later changed it to Marion Michael Morrison.
Wayne appeared in 171 movies, many of which were as an uncredited actor or extra. The first one being Brown of Harvard (1926) (uncredited) .... he played a Yale Football Player. His last film was The Shootist in 1976.
He also produce twenty films and directed five.
Famous John Wayne Quotes:
- Speaking to his young cavalry lieutenants: "Don't ever apologize—it's a sign of weakness." (She Wore a Yellow Ribbon)
- "Fill your hand, you sonofabitch!" (True Grit)
- "That'll be the day!" (The Searchers)
- "I won't be wronged; I won't be insulted and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I require the same from them." (The Shootist)
- Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.
- Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much. …… Advice on acting
- I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddamn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble.
- All battles are fought by scared men who'd rather be some place else.
- If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
- Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.
- A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
- I've had three wives, six children and six grandchildren and I still don't understand women.
- Get off your horse and drink your milk.
The Official John Wayne website Wayne Enterprises
John Wayne, who died June 11, 1979 of lung cancer, at the age of 72, remains one of America's most beloved celebrities. For the last 10 years, John Wayne has continued to command a top ten spot in the Harris Poll for America's Favorite Movie Star. In 2006, John Wayne held the #3 spot as America's Favorite Movie Star. In addition to an impressive movie career that made John Wayne a popular figure in our American culture, there is also the ongoing commitment to support cancer research that is a vital part of the Wayne legacy.
P.S. They tell me I was named after John Wayne.
Posted 8:48 AM
Friday, May 25, 2007
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Posted 4:33 PM
Price per gallon:
- Human blood $1,514,79
- Vanilla extract $ 127.84
- Cover Girl Nail Polish $ 892.80
- Chanel No. 5 perfume $ $25,600.00
- Armor All $31.92
- Tabasco Sauce $94.46
- Budweiser $8.88
- Folgers Coffee $ 0.70
- Liquid Nails $24.02
- Scorpion venom $ 38,858,507.46
Posted 4:21 PM
A little boy, waiting for his mother to come out of a store, is approached by a man asking directions: "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
"Sure," says the kid, "just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn right."
The man thanks the boy kindly and adds, "I am the new preacher in town, and if you come to the church on Sunday, I will show you how to get to heaven."
The boy grins, in that way kids have a way of grinning when they know something you don't: "Aw, c'mon, you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Posted 4:17 PM
This story was different than I expected when I saw the headline.
This unassuming looking screw costs 61.31 Euros, or about eighty-two-dollars and forty-nine cents. According to the forum it was posted on,
it's for the PS3 and it came from a Finnish repair shop. UPDATE: Actually, it's for a three-way speaker.
You can buy it direct for $38.40, a special kind of screw, indeed.
Posted 3:51 PM
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Using Google Satelitte Maps and an elementary airplane that you can control you can fly over many destinations. Fly left, right, up and down, but not too far down or you’ll crash and burn.
Here, I’m flying over Disneyland. You can supposedly do your own city too, but I haven’t tried that. Must have a fast connection for it to work. Mine sometimes has a little trouble keeping up, but it’s still neat to play with.
Posted 7:43 PM
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
Note: This works just as well with the Republicans of your choice.
Posted 4:39 PM
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS
Thanks Joe P
Posted 3:39 PM
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
Thanks Joe P
Posted 3:34 PM
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Posted 4:47 PM
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Posted 4:36 PM
Or, Why The Photocopier Is A Great Invention
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,
"What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEB R ATE !!!
Posted 4:31 PM
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here.........
Posted 4:29 PM
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
What baseball teams are spending their money well, and how does it change over the course of the season? I see my Cardinals owners (and fans) aren’t getting their money’s worth. Nor or the Yankees.
This sketch looks at all 30 Major League Baseball Teams and ranks them on the left according to their day-to-day standings. The lines connect each team to their 2007 salary, listed on the right.
Drag the date at the top to move through the season. The first ten days of the season are ommitted because the rankings to (at least) that point are statistically silly. You can also use the arrow keys on the keyboard to move forward or backward one day.
A steep blue line means that the team is doing well for its money, which reflects well on the team's General Manager. A steep red line implies that the team is throwing away money. The thickness of the line is proportional to the team's salary relative to the others.
Posted 5:56 PM
An oldie but a goodie….
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving companies pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife; they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
Posted 5:00 PM
Last week a friend of mine went to a seminar called Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.
He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you.
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that “every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.”
eBay has it:
Comes with jail accessories like - jail window, handcuffs, LA County number sign, mugshot wall, and ball & chain
Also comes with a matching purse, and tinkerbell chihuahua
She is fitted in a bright orange jumpsuit if the finest quality paint material from paintsace, black boots, matching panties, make-up, and orange streaks in her hair also smells like prison time, a fresh spray of prisonbreze.
Back of jumpsuit reads "LAC" and she also has a nametag on with her number on front.
Posted 4:46 PM