Just taking a stab at it…. but do you think it might be the decomposing contents?
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!"
The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!".
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
Posted 6:30 PM
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Posted 5:32 PM
An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two usually contradictory terms in a compressed paradox, as in the word 'bittersweet' or the phrase 'living death.'
Here are a few more:
- Free credit
- anxious patient
- awfully good
- barely dressed
- clean dirt
- disposable products with a lifetime guarantee
- even odds
- fresh frozen
- freezer burn
- going nowhere
- hopelessly optimistic
- kosher ham
- larger half
- long shorts
- loose tights
- lower inflation
- mild jalapenos
- new improved
- numbing sensation
- ocean shore
- old news
- original reproduction
- pretty ugly
- pretty disgusting
- removeable sticker
- relative stranger
- second best
- short distance
- strippers dressing room
- terribly nice
- Thinking out loud
- true lies
- uninvited guest
- wireless cable
- predictably unpredictable
These are just a few from the complete list
Posted 5:33 AM
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I was a freshman in Beaumont High School in St. Louis MO when I got the word that President John F. Kennedy had been shot. We were just coming back from lunch when a classmate of mine, Terry (I can’t think of his last name), who was talking to a girl as they entered the classroom, said to me, “Didn’t Kennedy just get shot?” Figuring he was just trying to pull one over on this girl, and guys being guys, I said “Yeah”. A moment or two later an announcement came over the loudspeaker that indeed, President Kennedy had been shot in Dallas Texas. It stunned the classroom … and the nation.
About ten or so years ago I went to Dallas and visited Dealey Plaza and The Sixth Floor which is a museum created in the Texas School Book Depository building where Oswald worked and from where he fired the shot that killed the president. At the museum, you can stand in the window next to the actual window Oswald fired from and the view is so erie. It appears as though nothing has changed at all in those 30–35 years since the assassination. It didn’t even appear that the trees had grown.
Everything appeared just as I had remembered seeing it in all the footage shown over and over from the window after the killing. That was a very strange feeling.
An in-depth look at the assassination and conspiracy theories by John McAdams
Posted 1:50 PM
It’s the day for giving thanks, so I want to thank the readers of Bits & Pieces. This past week an average of 8,440 people have visited Bits & Pieces every day. A total of 3,552, 499 people have visited this blog since it began, way back in march of 2002. That’s three and a half million hits! (There were more than 5 million page views). That’s just amazing to me. So, I thank you very much. I’ll keep doing it until I get it right… or until I get tired of doing it. Happy Turkey Day!
Bush Issues "Thankfulness List" Pre-Thanksgiving Radio Address
In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things:
"My fellow Americans, let's be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.
"Let's be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China.
"Let's be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too.
"Let's be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it.
"Let's be grateful that I didn't take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.
"Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven't fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O'Donnell.
"Let's be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's writers are on strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.
"Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they're still higher than my grades at Yale.
"Let's be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video, because that made him look really gay.
"Let's be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about the economy.
"Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they're retired.
"Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.
"And finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I'm still a lock for the Nobel War Prize."
Things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving Day
- 1. Talk about a huge breast!
- 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
- 3. It's Cool Whip time!
- 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
- 5. That's one terrific spread!
- 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
- 7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
- 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
- 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
- 10. Don't play with your meat.
- 11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
- 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
- 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
- 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
- 15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
- 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
- 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
- 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
Posted 1:29 AM
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Kansas University and Missouri University both find themselves in unfamiliar territory. They’re both vying for a championship in college football. They go against one another this Saturday. Here are the first round of jokes I’ve come across: (Yes, they’re a tad biased, and you can just switch names depending on your allegiance.)
Posted 5:35 AM
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Doctor Jim had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Jim, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him backto reality. Whispering:
"Jim....Jim....Jim....you're a vet"
Posted 6:01 PM
Here’s an example of how politicians and news outlets might put spin on a story.
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: ‘Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary’s staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
‘Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings
with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.’
And THAT is how it’s done folks!
Posted 5:36 PM
If you’re squeamish you might want to pass on this one.
Posted 5:26 PM
Posted 5:13 PM