Just taking a stab at it…. but do you think it might be the decomposing contents?
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!"
The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!".
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
A guy walks into a bar...
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
3 Brazillans
The Secretary of Defense is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Oxymorons
An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two usually contradictory terms in a compressed paradox, as in the word 'bittersweet' or the phrase 'living death.'
Here are a few more:
- Free credit
- anxious patient
- awfully good
- barely dressed
- butthead
- clean dirt
- disposable products with a lifetime guarantee
- even odds
- fresh frozen
- freezer burn
- going nowhere
- hopelessly optimistic
- kosher ham
- larger half
- Light-Heavyweight
- long shorts
- loose tights
- lower inflation
- maxi-thins
- mild jalapenos
- new improved
- numbing sensation
- ocean shore
- old news
- original reproduction
- pretty ugly
- pretty disgusting
- removeable sticker
- relative stranger
- second best
- short distance
- strippers dressing room
- terribly nice
- Thinking out loud
- true lies
- uninvited guest
- wireless cable
- predictably unpredictable
These are just a few from the complete list
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Kennedy Assassinated - 44 years ago today
I was a freshman in Beaumont High School in St. Louis MO when I got the word that President John F. Kennedy had been shot. We were just coming back from lunch when a classmate of mine, Terry (I can’t think of his last name), who was talking to a girl as they entered the classroom, said to me, “Didn’t Kennedy just get shot?” Figuring he was just trying to pull one over on this girl, and guys being guys, I said “Yeah”. A moment or two later an announcement came over the loudspeaker that indeed, President Kennedy had been shot in Dallas Texas. It stunned the classroom … and the nation.
About ten or so years ago I went to Dallas and visited Dealey Plaza and The Sixth Floor which is a museum created in the Texas School Book Depository building where Oswald worked and from where he fired the shot that killed the president. At the museum, you can stand in the window next to the actual window Oswald fired from and the view is so erie. It appears as though nothing has changed at all in those 30–35 years since the assassination. It didn’t even appear that the trees had grown.
Everything appeared just as I had remembered seeing it in all the footage shown over and over from the window after the killing. That was a very strange feeling.
Wikipedia entry on the assassination
An in-depth look at the assassination and conspiracy theories by John McAdams
Happy Thanksgiving
It’s the day for giving thanks, so I want to thank the readers of Bits & Pieces. This past week an average of 8,440 people have visited Bits & Pieces every day. A total of 3,552, 499 people have visited this blog since it began, way back in march of 2002. That’s three and a half million hits! (There were more than 5 million page views). That’s just amazing to me. So, I thank you very much. I’ll keep doing it until I get it right… or until I get tired of doing it. Happy Turkey Day!
Bush Issues "Thankfulness List" Pre-Thanksgiving Radio Address
In a special pre-Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things:
"My fellow Americans, let's be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.
"Let's be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China.
"Let's be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too.
"Let's be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it.
"Let's be grateful that I didn't take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.
"Let's be thankful that nuclear weapons haven't fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O'Donnell.
"Let's be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's writers are on strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.
"Let's be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they're still higher than my grades at Yale.
"Let's be thankful that Osama bin Laden dyed his hair in his last video, because that made him look really gay.
"Let's be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they're going on and on about the economy.
"Let's be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they're retired.
"Let's be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.
"And finally, my fellow Americans, let's be thankful that, even though Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I'm still a lock for the Nobel War Prize."
Things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving Day
- 1. Talk about a huge breast!
- 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
- 3. It's Cool Whip time!
- 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
- 5. That's one terrific spread!
- 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
- 7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
- 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
- 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
- 10. Don't play with your meat.
- 11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
- 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
- 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
- 14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
- 15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
- 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
- 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
- 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
Top 10 myths about Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
And so it begins....
Kansas University and Missouri University both find themselves in unfamiliar territory. They’re both vying for a championship in college football. They go against one another this Saturday. Here are the first round of jokes I’ve come across: (Yes, they’re a tad biased, and you can just switch names depending on your allegiance.)
Coach Mangino recently got lost in the KC area on a recruiting trip. So he stopped at a gas station and asked a young man the quickest way to get to 435.
The young man replied "start eating salad".
Q: What do you get if you drive by the KU campus real slow?
A: A degree.
Q: Why do KU students hang their diplomas from their rearview mirrors?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
Q: Why doesn't KU have ice on the sidelines?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: How many KU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore class.
Q: What do you call a person from KU in a three piece suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What's the difference between a litter of puppies and KU fans?
A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
Q: What does the average KU player get on his SAT's?
A: Drool.
Coach Mangino is only dressing 10 players for the Jayhawks game against MU.
The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.
Q: Why did they have to cancel the Christmas play at KU last year?
A: They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
Q: What is the difference between a KU cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells, the other is a fish.
Q: Did you hear that KU has found a new use for sheep?
A: Wool.
Q: What do KU cheerleaders and tornadoes have in common?
A: Both end up in trailer parks.
Q: Did you hear about the KU athlete that won a Gold Medal in the Olympics?
A: He was so happy, he had it bronzed.
Q: How do you run a small business?
A: Start with a large business and put a KU grad in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a KU cheerleader and a heifer?
A: About 30 pounds.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke bottles in Kansas?
A: Open other end.
Q: What do you call a KU fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted
Thanks Opie
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Black Friday ads
Here’s a sneak peek at what you’ll find available if you get up and go shopping at 4 or 5 am Friday morning….
Doctor ethics
Doctor Jim had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Jim, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him backto reality. Whispering:
"Jim....Jim....Jim....you're a vet"
Two sides to every story
Here’s an example of how politicians and news outlets might put spin on a story.
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: ‘Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary’s staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
‘Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings
with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.’
And THAT is how it’s done folks!
Sweet Caroline
For 40 years, the world has wanted to know. Now, it's finally revealed: 'Sweet Caroline' Was Caroline Kennedy.
Neil Diamond held onto the secret for decades, but he has finally revealed that President Kennedy's daughter was the inspiration for his smash hit "Sweet Caroline."
"I've never discussed it with anybody before _ intentionally," the 66-year-old singer-songwriter told The Associated Press on Monday during a break from recording. "I thought maybe I would tell it to Caroline when I met her someday." He got his chance last week when he performed the song via satellite at Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg's 50th birthday party.
Diamond was a "young, broke songwriter" when a photo of the president's daughter in a news magazine caught his eye. "It was a picture of a little girl dressed to the nines in her riding gear, next to her pony," Diamond recalled. "It was such an innocent, wonderful picture, I immediately felt there was a song in there."
Now, if we only knew who Cracklin' Rosie is...
A word of advice....
If you get invited to Condition 1 weather
McMurdo Station in Antartica is a science research center operated by the United States. The weather at McMurdo Station is classified as being Condition 3 (nice weather), Condition 2 (not so nice), or Condition 1. Take a look at the video to see what Condition 1 is:
The game
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up And asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Thanks Gene
Your drivers license tells it all
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,' I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in Sex.'
Thanks Gene
Monday, November 19, 2007
Stuck in a snowstorm
While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”
Polish sausage
A repost…but it’s good.
A man asked "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes, I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would you? Well, would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because.... you're at Home Depot.
Thanks Gene
A few good Woody Allen quotes
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty"
Football player numbers by position
From NFL Rule 5, Section 1, Article 4:
All players must wear numerals on their jerseys in accordance with Rule 5, Section 3, Article 3c (see NOTE 1), and such numerals must be by playing position as follows: quarterbacks, punters, and placekickers, 1-19 (and 10-19 for wide receivers if 80-89 are all otherwise assigned); running backs and defensive backs, 20-49; centers, 50-59 (60-79 if 50-59 unavailable); offensive guards and tackles, 60-79; wide receivers and tight ends, 80-89; defensive lineman, 60-79 (90-99 if 60-79 unavailable); and linebackers 50-59 (90-99 if 50-59 unavailable).
Q: Why do worms go onto the sidewalk when it rains?
A: Most people assume that earthworms come to the surface during heavy rains to avoid drowning in their tunnels. In fact, worms can live totally submerged in water, so drowning isn’t the problem. But the rainwater that filters down through the ground contains very little oxygen, so the real reason earthworms come to the surface is to breathe.
Once above ground, earthworms are very sensitive to light, and even a brief exposure to the sun’s rays can paralyze them. Unable to crawl back into their burrows, they eventually dry out and die on the sidewalk.
via Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Poisitive attitude
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”
“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?”
“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
Trip to the dentist
Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 but it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
Roger at 85
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have bee n with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Thanks Gene
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
via