Saturday, March 03, 2007
Catch of the day
A man sped down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, when he passed a patrol car, it pulled out behind him, lights flashing.
The police officer handed him a citation, took the driver's signature and was starting to walk away when the man said, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. Plenty of other drivers around me were going just as fast. Why did I get a ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.
"Um, yeah ..." the startled man replied.
"Ever catch all the fish?"
Drilled chili beef
It's always good to experiment and it's always good to experiment in the kitchen. It was with this motto that Nick and I came up with the concept of putting chillis inside meat to create Drilled Chilli Beef. A 'mechanic's dinner'. This is a meat dish for spice lovers
Ingredients:
1kg+ of slow roasting beef
Bird Eye chillis
Finger chillis
Utensils:
Electric drill
Sharp drill bit (typically 3/8" - 10mm)
(I’m getting hungry)
Chicken Fried Bacon Strips
It’ll kill ya, but it does look mighty good.
You gotta die of something. It might as well be something that tastes good.
Snails Save Energy by Re-Using Mucus Trails
In order to conserve valuable energy, snails essentially play a game of follow-the-leader, a new study finds.
Snails create trails of mucus to that help them glide across the ground, mainly in search of food or a partner, but making all that mucus uses up a lot of energy.
"Snails expend a lot of energy, probably a third, creating mucus," said Mark Davies of the University of Sunderland, lead author of the study published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B. "This process is very taxing indeed--much more so than walking, swimming or flying."
Parents have a good sense of humor
Royalty of the football field?
Hailing from South Sumpter High School in Bushnell Florida.
Can you name all 50 U.S. states in 10 minutes?
I missed 5 of them. I just couldn’t pull them to the front of my brain. There’s just too much useless junk in there.
Hints: Spelling is important and you don’t have to hit Return after you spell the state right. Ten minutes is plenty of time if your brain is working right. (Which explains my problem)
Give it a try!
Incredible crash
The guy that was driving this car (one car not two) was not hurt. (See the description below.)
What you see is what you get, i.e. there was no cutting of the vehicle prior to the pictures being taken.
It is my brother-in-law that you see holding the mobile phone, he honestly doesn't know the speed that he was going at but wasn't near as fast as he has done in the past on that particular part of the road.
Although the road was completely dry he said that it felt he was on ice and the car just careened into the tree. He actually called the emergency services and climbed out of the car by himself, he spent only a couple of hours in hospital, apart from a few minor scratches he got a bandage around his little finger, I told him if he's not already religious he should take it up ASAP!
The car WAS a pristine Audi RS6 ABT, I was supposed to pick it up that very day to borrow it from him for a week as I've always wanted to try out the ABT version. He really should have simply told me that he didn't want me to drive his car I'm so happy he is alive and all in one piece.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Thought for the day
Remember:
If you light a man a fire, you warm him for the night.
If you light a man ON fire, you warm him for the rest of his life.
Lunar Eclipse visible Saturday
In the USA, the eclipse will already be underway when the moon rises on Saturday evening. Observing tip: Find a place with a clear view of the eastern horizon and station yourself there at sunset. As the sun goes down behind you, a red moon will rise before your eyes. Viewers guide.
The first of two total lunar eclipses in 2007 is unique in that it is partly visible from every continent around the world. The eclipse occurs at the descending node, 3.2 days before apogee and 1.9 days after the Moon occults Saturn (northern and eastern Europe). During the eclipse, the Moon is in southern Leo, about 13º east of the 1.3-magnitude star Regulus (alpha Leo). The Moon's orbital trajectory takes it through the northern half of Earth's umbral shadow. Although the eclipse is not central, the total phase still lasts 73 minutes. The timings of the major phases of the eclipse are listed below.
Update: James Brown still above ground - 61 days and counting
Two months after his death, late soul legend James Brown remains unburied because a DNA sample is being used to establish how many children he has.
The godfather of soul, who died more than two months ago, has still not been laid to rest, after a judge ordered the test could be carried out.
In a battle set to rival the Anna Nicole Smith case, several children are expected to come forward claiming to be heirs to Brown's estate.
House hacks
Things that would be cool to have in your new (or old) house.
Things like:
- Coloured faucets - LEDs colour the water coming out, a thermocoupler detects the temperature of the water and lights up the appropriate LEDs.
- Dish rack sits over sink and is actually the shelving for the dishes as well. Apparently this is common in one more European countries.
- I'd want a big outlet strip on the kitchen counter for all the appliances that plug in and I'd like under-cabinet lighting so I can see them all.
- My ideal kitchen would have places to put lots of bulk foods in addition to all the cans/boxes/whatever, so undercounter storage for 20 lbs of flour, sugar, dog food, birdseed, would be really great.
- Also, put in way more outlets than you could possibly ever use. You'll still run out.
- Put a "charging station" in the entry/mudroom. Have a shelf/cubby for charging phones, laptops, and other devices.
Subtle sex ad
"Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market. They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless. The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details... Oh, my God. Look carefully at the details. Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe."
Handwriting analysis
Discover what your handwriting reveals about you with a personalized handwriting analysis.
This was a kind of fun way to kill a few minutes.
For those who enjoy language.....
…Or severe distortions thereof…
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Thanks Paul E
Build it and they will come
This is the actual turnoff from
After the highway was built, there were far too many accidents.
I understand it didn't take the animals long to learn, that this was their "road" for those that lived, that is.
Thanks Donnie Mac
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Who has the better jokes? Letterman or Leno?
Who has the better jokes? Letterman or Leno. You be the judge. Here are some recent jokes about the love triangle involving the astronaut that drove from Houston to Orlando in a diaper.
| Jay Leno | David Letterman |
| "Have you been following the story of this female astro-nut? She drove 900 miles from Houston Texas to Orlando, Fla., to confront the woman who was her romantic rival. She drove the whole time wearing a diaper so she didn’t have to stop and pee. And let me tell you something ladies, nothing turns a man on more than a woman with a full diaper." | "How about that astronaut? She’s been up in the Space Station and she goes wacky and she puts on a wig and a diaper and drives 900 miles. I’m sorry, call me old fashioned, but I don’t recall Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong getting all worked up like this. That’s just what we need, a bunch of sex-crazed astronauts up there hitting on Martians." |
| "When she was arrested, she was carrying a wig, a steel mallet, some duct tape, and a knife. Or as OJ calls it, an overnight bag." | "I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner." |
| "She told the police she was involved with another astronaut, and that it was ‘more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship’ -- or as the Clinton’s call that, marriage." | "There's a big love triangle. This woman astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were in love with the same guy. So this woman astronaut drives 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper. This is one giant step for man, one giant leap to the nuthouse" |
| “As you know, she went to court yesterday and was released in her own incontinence.” | "She drove 900 miles in a diaper. That’s pretty amazing. Britney Spears can’t even make it around the block in her underpants." |
| "Of course, since this is America, people capitalize on these things . . . have you seen these? Huggies with the 'Astronaut fit?'" | "How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John." |
| "This female astronaut ... tried to kidnap and murder another NASA engineer, who was her romantic rival. She put on a wig and attacked the other woman with pepper spray and a BB gun, after driving 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, Florida, in diapers, so she wouldn't have to stop to pee. She drove 900 miles wearing diapers, thus breaking the old record set by Larry King." | Bonus joke: The astronaut love triangle. I love that one. NASA hasn’t had this much press since they faked that moon-landing thing in the ’60s." --Craig Ferguson |
| "I guess you know the big story today. Houston, we have a problem. Oh my god! The woman astronaut told police she was involved in a relationship with another NASA astronaut that was 'more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship.' or as NASA calls that, an unauthorized docking procedure." | Bonus joke # 2: "It turns out the female astronaut was trying to kidnap the other woman because they're both in love with the same astronaut. The male astronaut was disappointed the female astronaut was arrested and said, 'I was hoping to get some tang.'" --Conan O'Brien |
Joke link via Misscellania
ID Ten - T computer error
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID Ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T' error? What's that. In case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned...." Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error Before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. 'I D 1 0 T'
Songs rewritten for Boomers
J-Walk blog has posted a bunch of songs rewritten to appeal to aging baby boomers. I shamelessly stole borrowed them and some of the funnier comments he received.
- Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
- The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
- Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
- Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
- Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
- Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
- Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
- Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
- Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
- Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
- Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
- The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
- Abba - Denture Queen
- Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
- Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
- Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
- Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
- The Angels - My Boyfriend's Dead
- The Outsiders - Time Won't Let Me Do Anything
- The Box Tops - Bend Me, Shake Me Out Of My Coma
- Pete Seeger - This Land Is Your Land, Thanks to My Will
- Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Cleaner
- Betty Everett - The Droop Droop Song
- The Righteous Brothers - You've Lost That Feeling In Your Left Leg
- Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling Down The Stairs and Breaking My Hip
- Nancy Sinatra - These Slippers Are Made For Keeping My Feet Warm When The House Gets a Little Chilly
- Van Morrison: My Gallstone Girl
- Eric Clapton: It grows hair, it grows hair, it grows hair.....Rogaine
- The Stones: Time Is Not on My Side
- The Stones: Get Off My Lawn
- James Brown: Papa's Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag
- Tony Bennet: I left my heart in... Uh... Where was I?
- Moody Blues: Lovely to See You Again...with these new bifocals
- Simon & Garfunkel: Hello Darkness My Old Friend (now how will I find my Depends?)
- Going to the Chapel (And We're Gonna Get Buried)
- The Box Tops: The Letter--not one of those newfangled emails!
- "Predecease Me" by Kitty Wills
- Predecease me (you die first)
'cause you're the one who'd feel the worst
to think of me without a friend
Predecease me...and let me love again - Amazing Grave (How Sweet the Mound)
- Paul Simon: Call me Al (Zheimer)
- The Beach Boys: Be True To Your Stool; Good Vibrators; Help Me, OnStar
- The Beatles: Dear Prunejuice; Drive My Golfcart; Got To Get It Into My Wife; I Am The Wal-Mart; I Should Have Known Betty
- The Rolling Stones: 90th Nervous Breakdown; {I Can't Get No) Sam's Club Action; Let's Spend The 401K Together
- Janis Joplin: Me and Wobbly Knee
- Creedence Clearwater Recovery: Who'll stop the pain
- Pete Seeger: Where Have All The Hours Gone?
- Bob Dylan: Blowin’ (I’ve Got Wind)
- Beatles: "Will you still need me..." When I'm Seventy-four
- Van Halen: "Hot Flashes for Teacher"
- Little richard: Fruity Tootie
via Still the Best After All These Years
Who's in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days…
the brain had a terrible headache…
the stomach was bloated…
the legs got wobbly…
the eyes got watery…
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!
Thanks Mickie
Bacon for life
And you were worried about the gators in Florida…
The fellow in the pictures is Larry Earley. He lives about 30 miles from Orlando, in the very rural community of Okahumpka, just off the Florida turnpike in Lake County, Florida . He has 20 acres of land and on it, a few cows and horses. Mostly it's pasture land that is fenced with woods surrounding him.
He is neighbored by a larger cattle ranch.
His neighbor has complained for several years that wild hogs had been raiding his cattle feeders and salt licks.
Last month he saw what he thought was a cow in his pond and went to see if it was stuck in the mud and would have to be pulled out. When he got close enough to realize it was a hog, the thing made a charge at him. He had driven his truck down to the pond and ca rries a pistol in it (as any Florida redneck would, and I say that with genuine affection). He got his handgun and when it came at him again, he shot it twice and killed it.
Wild hogs in Florida usually run from 100-400 pounds with a 400 pounder being a monster. Because this one had been feasting on grain for several years it had grown to mammoth size. When Larry took it to the processor it weighed in at over 1100 pounds! The meat has no wild taste, as it was grain fed; and Larry is quite the hero. He has fed many fireman and provided the homeless shelter in downtown Orlando with a couple! of mea ls. You were worried about just gators in Florida !
Thanks Joe P
A blonde at Starbucks
Blonde in Starbucks A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and >win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! >I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free >lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won >a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but >you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have >that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS, I PROMISE!)
"W I N A B A G E L"
Thanks Joe P
Windy landings
I will be flying in a few days. This probably wasn’t the best thing to watch before a flight. I’ve never been a nervous flier, but it does make you think.
WOW!
Thanks Paul E
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Kids are pretty smart
Who said children are getting dumber every year? Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves:
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Why are there 28 days in February?
The short answer – No one knows why. But here’s an interesting theory that involves the Romans, Julius Caesar, Duma Pompilius, and the fact that months with even numbered days were unlucky.
I read through it and don’t really know much more now than I did before I read it.
Computer error messages
Computer expert and programming author Ben Ezzell, and publisher O'Reilly & Associates held a contest in which they asked people to send in their favorite bad error messages. Ezzell was the sole judge.
Contest entries:
The procedure failed with the following error: The command completed successfully.
Not enough memory to display this dialog.
Error: Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.
And its cousin:
Your mouse is not working, please click here to acknowledge.Cannot delete tmp150_3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space. Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.
Unexpected error, quitting.
What makes this entry, found in Internet Explorer 4.0, is the attached comment:
An Internet error occurred.
Submitter Jeffrey Schmitz writes: "Yeah, right, Bill, the Internet is broken and Internet Explorer is working perfectly."
Windows has found an unknown device and is installing a driver for it.When using Windows 95 with a Compaq Computer Corp. Presario:
Your system shell has changed. The Compaq software will work with your new shell, but the new shell will not work with your Compaq software. Do you wish to keep your Compaq software working? Click yes if you are unsure.Error 0000: No errors found, restarting computer.
And finally, the grand-prize winner:
You need to supply a fax number in order for your request not to receive fax notifications to be processed.
A prize in every bag
Hex nut found in frozen chicken bag
Now included with your bag of Walmart's "Great Value" house brand chicken breasts...a steel hex nut off of a very large bolt. We've heard of getting a prize in a box of cracker jacks, but this is ridiculous.
No word if the nut also comes in BBQ flavor.
This is cool. Bloomframe is an innovative window frame which can be transformed into a balcony. The balcony gives the user a flexible living environment. Opening the Bloomframe window offers the possibility to step outside and enjoy the outdoor space. With one simple movement, light, air and space are added to the interior.
The Bloomframe is designed and patented by Hofman Dujardin Architects based in Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Dragon Illusion
| A short video about a cut-out dragon that fools the eye by being built backwards instead of forwards, giving the illusion of movement. | |
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