There probably won’t be any posts Sunday. We’re holding a mud volleyball tournament. Things should be back to normal Monday, but there will be minimal posts Tuesday through Friday as I’m on another quick trip to Florida to visit my 92 year old aunt.
Update: I lied. One post.
* Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
* Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
* Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Stick your fingers in the flower beds, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
It's not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
As his fame grew, people from all over the country were coming to him in MN for portraits.
One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. She said money was no object -- she was willing to pay him $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with Lena, Ollie asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
How ironic is that?
China's hairiest man, Yu Zhenhuan, poses on a track in Beijing in his bid to run in next year's Olympic torch relay, state media said this week.
A 27-year-old lady presented with persistent cough, sputum and fever for the preceding six months. Inspite of trials with antibiotics and anti-tuberculosis treatment for the preceeding four months, her symptoms did not improve. A subsequent chest radiograph showed non-homogeneous collapse-consolidation of right upper lobe. Videobronchoscopy revealed an inverted bag like structure in right upper lobe bronchus and rigid bronchoscopic removal with biopsy forceps confirmed the presence of a condom. Detailed retrospective history also confirmed accidental inhalation of the condom during fellatio.
Detectives traced a suspected thief after he left his severed finger at the crime scene.
The digit was found at a South Shields building site after workers reported the theft of a motorbike on Tuesday.
Officers then took the finger to South Tyneside Hospital, where they found a man waiting in the accident and emergency department without a finger.
It is believed the alleged thief ripped his finger off after becoming trapped under a crashed motorbike.
Contact juggling is a form of object manipulation that focuses on the movement of objects such as balls in permanent contact with the body. Having little in common with "toss" juggling, it most typically involves the rolling of one or more completely transparent balls on the hands and arms to create visual illusions, such as that of a ball fixed in space.
I took the test and it said I’m average. I think I missed something, (but I’m too stupid to know for sure). I guess that means I’m an average idiot?
A Bostonian visited San Antonio and asked a native, "What is that dilapidated-looking ruin over there?"
"That, suh, is the Alamo. In that building, suh, 136 immortal Texans held off an army of 15,000 of Santa Anna's regulars for four days."
"Um-m-m," said the Bostonian, "and who was that man on horseback on that hill over there?"
"That, suh, is a statue of a Texas ranger. He killed 46 Apaches in single-handed combat and broke up 27 riots in his lifetime. Where you from, stranger?"
"I'm from Boston. We have our heroes there, too. Paul Revere, for instance --"
"Paul Revere!" snorted the Texan. "You mean that guy who had to ride for help?"
A Pennsylvania family turns heads driving down local roads with their pet bear sticking her gigantic head out the window.
Abby is much like a dog to the Friday family - just a little bigger and with wild animal instincts.
"I just remember, there's always the wild animal in them," said Abby's owner, Sam Friday. "Treat an animal like you want to be treated. Give the love and caring and they'll give you loving and caring back."
He said the big pet loves to go for rides.
"We take her down to the gas station for M&Ms", he said. "People watch her with her head out the window like a dog panting."
The Fridays said they have a license to own the bear through the state game commission.
With news video and slideshow.
Do you think you know a lot about money? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. But let's see if any of the following facts are in any way surprising to you:
1. More of our fantasies are about money... than sex.
3. 90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts.
6. For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks. What's really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it's ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a "measly" two million.
7. 92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives.
9. If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way they do it is, they briefly press the bills between rollers at high enough temperatures to kill most bacteria.
10. Women have very fixed ideas on how much they are willing to spend on a bra. 38.3% of women won't spend $30 for a bra. 28.4% won't spend $50. 10% would pay as much as $75. And, only 3.5% would shell out $100. But, you know what? Almost 20% of women say they would pay almost anything for a bra. This is because they consider (and I guess so do a few men) that the contents of what those bras are encasing is of extremely high-value.
11. Nearly half of the people who sell their houses with furniture included will take all the light bulbs out of all the lamps when they vacate the premises.
12. Most people won't bend over to pick up money lying on the sidewalk unless it's at least a dollar.
13. Most Americans think pennies are a pain in the ass and the U.S. Mint should stop making them.
14. There is about 405 billion dollars in circulation. Only 32 million of that amount is counterfeit. That means, the percentage of counterfeit money in America is .0079%. And, $20 bills are more often counterfeited than $100 bills.
17. One out of every four Americans believe their best chance of getting rich is by playing the lottery.
18. How about this one for a shocking fact: 5% of lottery ticket buyers buy 51% of all tickets sold. (Trust me, none of these people belong to the "Einsteins of America Society".)
21. A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket... than... he is to win the jackpot.
25. 63% of us decide NOT to buy a product advertised on the Internet... because... we think the shipping and handling charges add too much to the order.
26. Eight times as many Americans would rather use an ATM than deal with a real live teller.
31. The average wedding in America costs a staggering $20,000.00.
32. More than one-third of American women consider money more important than good sex to the success of a marriage.
33. According to Employee Benefits Research Institute 96% of all people who have jobs right now won't be eligible for their full Social Security benefits when they reach age 65.
37. People tip more on sunny days than they do on dreary days.
Why do pigeons bob their heads?
The pigeon has side mounted eyes unlike humans and owls which have forward facing eyes. As a pigeons have monocular vision rather than binocular vision they bob their heads for depth of perception. The pigeon’s eyes work much better with stationary images and therefore, as the pigeon takes a step forward the head is temporarily left behind. The next step jerks the head forward again and so on. This allows the bird to correctly orient itself.
Why do you never see a baby pigeon?
Most small birds rear and fledge their young in 2/3 weeks with young birds sometimes leaving the nest after only 10 days of life, but pigeons are different, their young remain in the nest for up to 2 months before fledging. This gives the young pigeon an advantage over many other species of bird. It leaves the nest as a relatively mature juvenile, allowing the bird to cope better in the first few days of its life, a dangerous time for all youngsters. Juveniles can be told apart from adults but it takes an experienced eye. A juvenile’s beak often appears to be far too long for the size of its body and the cere (the fleshy area at the top of the beak) is white in adults and greyish pink in juveniles.
A dude pulls out a big knife and tries to rob a store but when the robbery starts to go bad and he leaves the owner kicks his ass and ties him up for the cops. I like to see this stuff happen to these bad asses.
It’s either this or a new Harley Ultra Classic Electra Glide …. decisions, decisions.
This might keep me dry when it rains.
… and Samuel Jackson is nowhere to be found. I heard about this driving to work this morning. Here’s the story:
Man smuggles monkey aboard NYC bound plane
A man smuggled a monkey onto an airplane Tuesday, stashing the furry fist-size primate under his hat until passengers spotted it perched on his ponytail, an airline official said.
The monkey escapade began in Lima, Peru, late Monday, when the man boarded a flight to Fort Lauderdale, said Spirit Airlines spokeswoman Alison Russell. After landing Tuesday morning, the man waited several hours before catching a connecting flight to LaGuardia Airport.
During the flight, people around the man noticed that the marmoset, which normally lives in forests and eats fruit and insects, had emerged from underneath his hat, Russell said.
"Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him," she said.
The monkey spent the remainder of the flight in the man's seat and behaved well, said Russell, who didn't know how it skirted customs and security.
Todays kids seems to have answer of all tough questions. Following are some of the questions related to love and answers provided by kids:
days considers themselves quite intelligent and think they have answer to all problems (even love matters). Following is the list of some of the questions asked and answers provided by kids... quite hilarious.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E. R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."
I’m 6 ft, 3 and a half inches tall. I look down on lots of people. Here are my results:
Where do you stand?
Plug in your height to see how you compare with the averages of the world's tallest countries.
These come from a Catholic elementary school where the kids are asked questions about the Bible. The statements were written by the children and were not changed at all.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17.. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Thanks Joe P
Here is some video I shot a week or so ago at the Lake of the Ozarks. Ten of us guys were out on a pontoon boat. We were rocking back and forth and up and down in the wake of the larger boats. We also had ten guys on the boat…and some of these guys are big boys who sat near the front of the boat. All of a sudden the front end of the boat appeared to go under the water…and a deluge of water burst onto the boat. Everything in the boat started floating, including the seats these big guys were sitting on. It didn’t last long and we got the thing under control in about a minute.
