Friday, July 15, 2005
Posted 5:24 PM
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:.... "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Posted 5:12 PM
Here are just a few:
- The best time of day to buy shoes
Late afternoon, when your feet have swollen to their largest size.
- How to win more coin tosses
Always call tails. On U.S. coins, the heads side, with its big, solid portrait, weighs infinitesimally more: In the course of 10,000 tosses, the lighter tails side will come up an extra 50 or so times.
- How to catch bigger fish
Cast your line close to the bank. The current in the middle of a stream is four times faster than that near the bank, and the faster the water, the smaller the fish.
- Why left-handed pitchers are called southpaws
Because their left arms point south during games. How so? Baseball diamonds are oriented such that batters face east so they don’t look into the sun during afternoon games. Go ahead, draw it on a napkin.
- How to relieve thirst in the wild
A pebble held in the mouth will stimulate saliva production and kill that dry-mouth feeling. Stay on the lookout for neon bar signs.
- There’s no such fish as a sardine. Sardine is a generic term used for herring, pilchard, and the other small fish they pack in those little oblong cans.
- You can have long hair, you can have a mustache, and you can wear a pink shirt, but not all three at the same time.
- If you hurt yourself in the wild, clean your wounds with your urine When it leaves the body, it’s sterile, which is more than you can say of any water you’re likely to find.
- How to gauge the doneness of a steak without slicing into it
You can determine when a steak has finished cooking—whether it’s supposed to be rare, medium, or well-done—by giving it the finger. Press your forefinger into it lightly, as if picking up ink from a fingerprint pad, then touch your head and compare their firmness. A well-done steak should feel as firm as your forehead; a medium steak, as firm as your chin; and a rare steak, as firm as the end of your nose. Ain’t that cool?
- How to unclasp a bra with one hand
1. With the palm of your dominant hand facing her, slide your middle finger under the bra strap, right between the clasp and her unbelievable body.
2. Pull the clasp out away from her with your middle finger, and pinch the strap between your thumb and ring finger. Pull your middle finger out, and begin to hum “Moon River.”
3.Slowly snap your fingers to accomplish mission. If she has a double-clasp bra, you may have to snap twice; don’t get flustered. Practice on Grandma if necessary.
The complete list can be found at Maxim Online.
via Coolios Weblog
Posted 3:38 PM
PawSense is a software utility that helps protect your computer from cats. It quickly detects and blocks cat typing, and also helps train your cat to stay off the computer keyboard. Read all about it here. via Coolios Weblog
Every time your computer boots up, PawSense will automatically start up in the background to watch over your computer system.
This teaches your cat that getting on the keyboard is bad even if humans aren't watching.
PawSense is a software utility that helps protect your computer from cats. It quickly detects and blocks cat typing, and also helps train your cat to stay off the computer keyboard.
Read all about it here.
via Coolios Weblog
Posted 2:38 PM
Why anus surgery sucks.
- Sitting in traffic.
- Eating (because of what happens later)
- Being the butt of all the jokes at your place of employment, enduring many wondrous puns like "Glad you didn't meet your end, Leon" followed by uncontrollable sniggers.
- Bathing in chemicals, rather than being able to clean yourself with loo paper.
- And, enriching the sons of Satan over at the hygienic pad factory because I'm now going through more pads in one week than any well functioning woman does in a year.
Read the humorous story of one man’s jouurney through anus surgery.
via Coolios Weblog
Posted 2:27 PM
Thursday, July 14, 2005
- You never have your library card, and then you cough on me while explaining that you don't even have an ID on you.
- You contest a five-cent fine.
- You angrily explain you need this book more than other people do, as you are in a prestigious "book club".
- You let your child scream for more than 30 seconds without escorting him out.
- You believe that being ancient means you can be an asshole.
More can be found here.
via Look at this
Posted 2:31 PM
1. “American Pie” - Don McLean
2. “Light My Fire” - The Doors
3. “Free Bird” - Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. “Hey Ya!” – Outkast
5. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” - Def Leppard
6. “Wonderwall” – Oasis
7. “Memory” - Andrew Lloyd Webber
8. “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen
9. “I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For” - U2
10. “Totally Wired” - The Fall
11. “Born To Run” - Bruce Springsteen
12. “Chewing Gum” – Annie
13. “Imagine” – John Lennon
To find out why they’re overrated check out Blogcritics.org
(BTW: By title I only know about half of them I’d probably know more if I heard them played.)
via The Presurfer
Posted 2:17 PM
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a tory that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
Posted 2:09 PM
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thanks Gary & Debbie
Posted 2:02 PM
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Here are some examples of carnival lingo from those in the know:
- BABY NEEDS MILK - When carnies see another carny flirting with the townies, they will often go by and say this just to mess up their buddies 'score'.
- BLOW YOUR PIPES - Carnies often get hoarse and raspy-voiced from screaming at 'marks' all day long. This is called 'blowing your pipes'.
- BOZO - Agent in the water tank or "drop joint", usually has persona of obnoxious clown.
- CLEM - Another name for 'mark', probably came from Red Skelton's dumb guy, Clem Kadiddlehopper.
- G-Note - $1,000 bill.
- KEY TO THE MIDWAY - A non-existant thing that carnies amuse themselves with as in sending pesky kids that are asking too many questions to go get the 'key to the midway' or 'lightbulb grease' or a 'left-handed monkey wrench'. Any number of amusing non existant things, they will often send the kid to a specific carny just to bug them, too.
- POSSUM BELLY - Racks built underneath the semi-trailers that are used to haul excess cargo.
- POSSUM BELLY QUEEN - Derogatory term for ladies that sleep around with all the carnys, yep, sometimes in the possum belly.
The complete list is here.
via Look at this
Posted 4:41 PM
The Sun has been active for approximately 4.6 billion years. However, it only has enough fuel to go on for another five billion years (Y5B). At the end of its life, the Sun will start to fuse helium into heavier elements and begin to swell up, ultimately growing so large that it will engulf the Earth. Life on earth will change as we know it. First we will have mildly warmer temperatures, then a heat wave will be with us, and finally it will get cold....real cold. Thus, the Year Five Billion will be here. Will we be prepared for the billionennium(tm) bug ? Y5B.com will try to help.
via The Presurfer
Posted 4:04 PM
Monday, July 11, 2005
One for every day of the year. 365 excuses to get soused.
July 11 Buffalo Bill Day. Saved our young nation from marauding bison. Buffalo Trace Whiskey.
July 24 National Tequila Day. AKA Wake Up In Jail Day. Tequila.
July 28 Hurricane Supplication Day (Virgin Islands). Fight fire with fire. Hurricanes.
August 9 National Polka Day. Doesn’t sound so bad if you’re really, really drunk. Steins of beer.
October 2 Groucho Marx’s Birthday (1890). “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” Country Club Malt Liquor.
October 31 Halloween. Suit up as a historical drunk. Zombie.
December 17 Wright Brothers take the 1st airplane flight at Kitty Hawk (1903). Soar like a drunken eagle. Grey Goose Vodka.
via Look at this
Posted 4:07 PM
Here are a few famous Missourians:
- Blair, Linda (St. Louis)
- Cedric The Entertainer (Jefferson City)
- Cronkite, Walter (St. Joseph)
- Eminem (Kansas City)
- Grable, Betty (St. Louis)
- Goodman, John (St. Louis)
- Limbaugh, Rush (Cape Girardeau)
- Van Dyke, Dick (West Plains)
For the complete list by state click here.
Posted 3:34 PM
Ontario workers are well-trained. That simple explanation was cited as a main reason why Toyota turned its back on hundreds of millions of dollars in subsidies offered from several American states in favour of building a second Ontario plant.
What about U.S. workers?
Several U.S. states were reportedly prepared to offer more than double that amount of subsidy. But Fedchun said much of that extra money would have been eaten away by higher training costs than are necessary for the Woodstock project.
He said Nissan and Honda have encountered difficulties getting new plants up to full production in recent years in Mississippi and Alabama due to an untrained - and often illiterate - workforce. In Alabama, trainers had to use "pictorials" to teach some illiterate workers how to use high-tech plant equipment.
Posted 3:20 PM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
What do Pink Floyd, Bette Midler and Metallica have in common? They've all written horribly depressing tunes, according to Tom Reynolds, author of I Hate Myself and Want to Die. He offers his top 25 miserable tracks.
Here are a few….
23. You don't bring me flowers Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand (1978) … turgid song with all the energy of a ping-pong match played in zero gravity.
21. Tell Laura I love her Ray Peterson (1960) … the first of the infamous teenage car-crash songs of the early 1960s.
20. All By Myself Celine Dion (1996) … about loneliness and is the audio equivalent of the fire-bombing of Dresden.
16. The Rose Bette Midler (1980) … where Midler's rock-star character drops dead in front of a live audience.
12. Ruby, Don't take your love to town Kenny Rogers and the First Edition (1969) …. about a paralysed man who sits at home every night while his trampy wife Ruby dolls herself up before heading out to pick up any Billy Bob, Wyatt, or Bubba she can find.
5. Seasons in the Sun Terry Jacks (1974) … about a dying man bidding farewell to a close friend, his father, and some girl named Michelle.
3. Honey Bobby Goldsboro (1968) … The world's wordiest dead wife song
The complete list here.
via The Flophouse
Posted 6:22 PM
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.
Posted 5:48 PM
Here are just a few…
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
Many, many more Crazy Thoughts.
via The Flophouse
Posted 5:24 PM